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It's really hard to wear my heart on my sleeve, because as someone else said here "we were brought up to not talk about our family"... I've found it's been really unhealthy to keep it in which is why I value this site where we can have a voice anonymously. Yesterday, I once again tried to 'please' my mother by taking/accompanying her on a senior bus ride to a casino (which she loves)... I have to literally be with her most of the times as her balance is really bad, etc. Her name was called to go into a 'wind' machine to catch paper money with different denominations for 'promo' money on the machine. Since she couldn't go into this 'wind' machine, they were 'nice' enough to allow me to do this for her... Long story short... I gathered $500 in 'promo' points for her to play on slot machines... Anyway, instead of her being happy, she was really mean towards me and once again, the weekend ended in ruins. Can't win... and, my health is jeopardized... It's accumulative... I'm so happy to be at work today.
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I2understand made some good points. I try and think my mom might be lonely or bored and she can't express that so she lets her depression or boredom or whatever color her talk. It's hard to be neutral with family sometimes, though. It's frustrating when you try and get them out and they refuse, too. I understand depression, having it myself, but when you try to nudge someone out who fights you left and right and refuses to even venture out for a cup of coffee on a 70-degree day, it's frustrating.
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Turmoiled, would a corset or brace to support the spine help?
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sandra93...of course you're lonely....but complaining to family will only make it worse. is there a senior center by your house? my mother was picked up daily, per senior city but...and taken to the center for lunch with about 40 seniors. she loved it. there is a senior service center there that helps seniors who are having problems...of any kind. good luck...
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jeweltone.....sooooo happy you broke off your relationship...and are now happy!! i think your response because it's first hand info...will help others!!
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I feel your pain. My 80 year old mother doesn't complain as much about her infirmities as compared to how "America isn't America anymore", etc. If I hear she's dropped dead (and she wishes she was dead), I am to get down on my knees and thank God (her words not mine). Almost every conversation or every other is filled with the same dialogue. Pointing out that you've heard it all before doesn't make a difference to her. My mother is not someone who would take an anti-depressant...she's not interested in anything that will alter her mind. I have come to the realization that she isn't going to change and the only person I can change is me but I am also the only one who is there for her because of her personality. I hold the phone away from my ear when she rants and raves; I change the subject to something else; or if the call's being going on for awhile, I find I might need to use the restroom or the doorbell is ringing or I have another call coming in, etc. She's been fairly negative most of her life, and, at times, didn't speak to me for 2-3 years at a time because of who I was dating or who I married. I just accept that this is the way she is and try to not let it affect me. You can choose your friends but not your family. If we were not related, she is not someone I would have as a friend but she is my mother and the only one I will have. Fortunately for me there have been other women in my life who were more "motherly" to me than my own. My mother and I live on opposite sides of the country. I do what I can do to handle my mother. In her own way I know she loves me and I love her but don't often like her or the things she says. So I guess I'd say accept that how she is won't change and do what you can to bear it...wear earplugs with an ipod or something. If she says she doesn't like something, tell her she doesn't have to. I agree using breathing exercises while there, listening to loud uplifting music as you drive away and meditation to calm down after a visit may help. Sometimes it helps just knowing you are not alone in having to deal with this type of issue. Take care of yourself and hang in there...sending hugs your way.
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She may not drive the car, but having it gave her comfort knowing she had the ability to come and go as she pleases. Losing a loved one is hard, and helping a love one who is trying to cope with it is even harder. Sometimes you have to be the authority, set her appointments for her around your schedule, get her out of that house. Out and about, seeing others, being places, may not sound like much, but it does improve their attitude. My husband had a stroke, he was always on the go, doing for others and for a year now he has only me to help. I found that his attitude changes to the better if he gets out and about once a day. We don't even have to go far, a gallon of milk, a trip to the post office, doesn't matter. So every day I plan a trip. I don't care if I forgot something at the store, another trip. Lunch out or Dinner, they see people they know, that freedom, that fresh air helps more than you think. Talking about moments, great moments, family, friends, life, also helps a great deal. Don't just listen, which we have to do, help by talking about great things, explain to her that you love her and want your mom back, you had fun then and you can have it again, if you work together. What makes us feel great is the same that makes them feel great. Out with friends, fresh air and sunshine, and special moments with a loved one. Meds don't always work, but love does.
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"All you can do is all you can do and that's enough". My Mom doesn't like to be around people her age- and any emotional investment in friendship is just too too much. The situation is obviously not only frustrating you but hurting you (I know ! Me too ! Funny how that works...) since with all your love and smarts you can't 'fix it' or make it better for either or both of you. Look up this book: "The Four Agreements". It's helped me to stay sane. I have no time for a-n-y-t-h-i-n-g since my 'roomie' of six years (92 yr old Mom) recently has a bout of sepsis, and strep infection from a UTI, three weeks in hospital/rehab (yes we slept there too) and cannot be left alone at all- ever. (It's a challenge to get time to go to the bathroom, let alone have a meal or meditate/pray.). Be happy you are WORKING. Be happy you get to GO HOME. Also be prepared because things will change quickly. Don't wait for her to take the next step- your call on that one. Stay strong - you can do it. Keep in touch.
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During my husband's last few months, I found that taking him to work with me (we have our own business) even if he couldn't do anything, was good for him. We could ask him questions, and people would stop by and chat with him. I noticed that after he had been at home for two days over the weekend, it was hard to get him up and going on Monday. Every day got easier, and by Friday he was getting himself up.
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HeartoHeart,

I"m glad that you have this place to vent safely!

The old "brought up to not talk about our family".still exists and is one of the most dysfunctional ways to hide all sorts of family secrets that don't get talked about sometimes even with other family members, but sometimes they already know. I wish people would let go of that unhealthy way of being a family.

I grew up that was and so did my wife. Many years down the road, I learned that what I thought was a family secret within just my family was known by her sister. Again, that is a very unfortunate way grow up and to live.

I hope you keep getting free from that background.
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Chimonger: I had to laugh about your expression about the elder thinking they were "Jolly Sunshine!" Good one!
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Get a bell to take with you when you visit her. Explain that each time she says something negative you're going to ring the bell. Then do it!
When she says something nice, give her a candy (or some other treat.)
Hey, make a game of it. Keep score. Good Luck! You gotta laugh!
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It is so refreshing to have this forum. I am glad in a way that I have others who feel the same as I. I felt guilty about feeling the same way about my mother and her complaining. I now see that it is common. I wish all of you the best!
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My mom seemed to LIKE being mad about something pretty much all the time. I think anger releases adrenaline and would help her think and communicate better. Now she can scarcely say a word. I have to admit that I don't miss the constant complaining... and it was constant. Changing the subject works for about 2 minutes. We should have tried an ant-depressant much earlier.
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I have the same type of problems with my mother too. She is still at home living on her own. She mainly sits in her comfortable chair and watches tv..... AND WANTS to know why we don't want to come over. We ate lunch at a restaurant with her yesterday. That went well. She could help so many people really bad off, but she complains about her pain. Or mainly just complains about President Obama and everything else she hears about on the news. I would suggest changing the subject. She does not say much about the Prez anymore because I have told her on several occasions I did not want to hear any more about it. Also, sometimes I have said I have to go. Good night. She does not talk a lot about this any more. Also, older folks, especially women, may not have worked in 60 years. They have forgotten what it was like to have several children, or several dogs, or other interests, and think we just sit home every day with nothing to do. Also, some of us still work full time or part time and have our husbands, friends, church, etc. These folks could often make a positive difference in the world for themselves and other people, but do not feel any need to do so. They only want their children around who are busy. I think the DEMAND for the children to do this or that and not getting compliance from their children generates the anger they feel as many spent the majority of their 20s 30s mostly taking care of their children - US. Also, the economy is not what it once was, and many of us including me and my husband still work part-time out of necessity. This does not leave a lot of time for other things. And we do not feel very good either... with health issues of our own.
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I am so glad to hear from such a wide variety of people and many perspectives. I love my mother, but her negativity and anger when I least expect it have worn me down to the point I am going for counseling--again. If this were new behavior, I would think it was her current situation or her physical health, but this has been her tendency since my childhood. She can be warm and wonderful but I never know when she will lash out. I know I have to do my best to ensure she is okay, reasonably happy, gets out or has visits often (i am sometimes at her place 3 times a day) without sacrificing my own well-being, which I have done over and over and over again for years. I just want to say that I applaud those of you who are able to help your parent(s) and have found ways to make them happy. I also want to applaud all of us who are trying to find that balance for taking care of our very difficult parents and also ourselves. It is very challenging work. Hang in there, everybody.
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Understand please that aging is a sad and depressing proposition. She is losing control. But she might be lonely too. She won't be able to help that because she might be too depressed to help herself. I think you might talk to the doctor about this without her knowledge. I did that with my Mom when I knew that she had a doctor's appointment. You can have one way communication with her doctor and just tell him/her what symptoms you are seeing. My Mom was nasty, negative - I didn't know who she was! Sure enough, she was depressed and in 2 days of taking a pill, she was the old gal again. She was lonely too and when she realized that, we sold her house and moved her to retirement living, where she is so happy! She has friends, stuff to do, and NO responsibility! Hope this helps.
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I don't have the 'right' answrs, lol...but my Mom was like that and the only thing i could do was try. I would go into her room and give her a big smile and say Hi...You are looking good. Sometimes she would submit to that, and others she would go bk into her depression. Just remember, we can only do our best, so try not to let it get you down too. I think that when they become so old, they can't think of anything to talk about because they have lost interest in tv; reading; etc and don't have a lot of people coming to see them. Even myself, i'm getting ready to go back to work now, and i know it will change my conversations when i actually have something to talk about while meeting people and seeing old customers. (Jst an insight).
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Basically people age in one of two ways.

1. Like my dad, they look back over their life and what they learned long the way and feel good overall about their past. The only two hurts that he carries that he has talked about is son, do you know why you mother left me, and the pain of loosing his mother to suicide. Other than that, he is very content.

Some psychiatrist who concern themselves with psychological development over the years call this stage "Ego integrity"

2. Others look back over their lives and have an outlook of despair. This contributes to both depression and hopelessness.

Years ago, I met two sisters in a nursing home. They were full of despair and bitterness over how their lives turned out.

Unlike their siblings, they decided to stay home, never marry, never have a life apart from mom and dad for they were promised if they did that they would inherit the house and the farm.

In the end, they got what they were promised, but when they considered the lives of their siblings which was so full and alive, they felt empty and all alone. They regretted very much their earlier decision but there was nothing they could do about it. They never really had a life after their parents died for they did not have their own life before their parents died. I've seen the same thing happen to men who stay home with mom, even if they work outside of the home very often end up in despair for they never had a life apart from their mom.

How very sad.
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Try putting yourself in their shoes. If you are experiencing any dementia at all, it is much easier to be with people who you have known for a long time over staff who is hired to encourage you to attend events. You probably get tired easily and aren't interested in going all the time like you did when you were younger. You want to talk with someone who can relate to the things you remember, which might be your childhood or your marriage. Your life partner is gone. You know things need to be done but you don't remember how to do them or even how to get started. You life seems to have become an unending round of doctor appointments and pills. Everyone deserves some fun and joy in life. Think about how you can bring joy to others. It isn't about presents or the number of visits or tasks you do. It's about providing a safety net and helping that person to feel valuable. The other day I wrote a list of three things my father needed to do the next day. One involved buying stamps and two involved talking to the maintenance man. He accomplished both with great determination and was actually happy to have something to do and a feeling of accomplishment, that he doesn't get from doing arts and crafts. When you've been a responsible and independent adult most of your life, it is hard to wake up each day with nothing to do.
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I think we understand that Dana... Many of us are living in 'their' shoes... We work tirelessly at making our parent(s), happy. It is wearing to the caregiver to have negatives all the time and compromises the health of the one who is giving up their time (mostly, by one person in the family) and resources to give comfort, care, money, time... and, yes happiness to them. The question here is how to get them to talk about something that is happy.
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"don't talk about the family" yup such an "old" saying! all i ever heard from my parents..."what are the neighbors going to think?" omg... even at a young age, i found that statement very confusing...and in my teens realized..."who cares what the neighbors think!!" our neighbors across the street were "very secretive" about their sons mental health problems, good Irish Catholics....he took a shot gun at the age of 29 and shot his head off in their kitchen!!! also, believe it or not, their other son, the youngest, hung himself wen he was in the army at the age of 27...because his girlfriend broke up with him!! are you kidding me???? this didn't have to happen if they had asked for help and it was NOT so embarrassing!! makes me sick!
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I would say "No". The only way to deal with it is to turn the TV up nice and loud or leave the room.
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Now that I think about it Helpmemom... One of the best thing that's happened to make my mom feel better is for other people to engage in a 'normal' conversation with her. Since she's around me (the daughter) all the time, I'm not treated like a 'visitor' and I may also keep reminding her of her past (?)... Anyway, I see her light up when she has a more 'social' atmosphere around her (aside from me). I know their world is small, so any kind of setting outside the house like watching people walk their dogs (sometimes driving her around the park where there's activity), neighbors coming over to the house (backyard party?)... anything to open the senses once again... (when people talk with her, I try to step back to give her 'her' space... (I sometimes listen from afar just to hear how she talks with people outside of me). I try to 'change up' the environment for her... even by changing things around the house to be a bit more cheery... I try for a flower 'theme' in the house.
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I agree with Dreyfuss, leave the room. Listening to something you just don't want to hear can steal a caregiver's sanity.
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I try to use music and humor. Have your mother listen to music that brings back good memories and feelings. Try to remember what used to make her laugh and let her hear it again. Remind her she is still valuable to you.
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Dana, well said and expressive of a great deal of insight.
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Heart2Heart, I don't think you understand what I am getting at. Your sentence, "We work tirelessly to make our parents happy" is indicative. We are not responsible for our parents happiness but we think we are. We work to provide them the things we think they need but maybe that isn't what they need at all. Maybe we don't need to work so hard. You mention all the wonderful things you do to help open up your mother's world (good ideas) but maybe your mother doesn't want her world opened up. I was knocking myself out for my father until I realized he just wanted me to listen to him talk about his father and his childhood. So many of us are used to trying to juggle several things at once, maximizing our time, that it is really hard to just sit down and do nothing but talk. I'm suggesting stepping back and listening to see if you can't work smarter instead of harder.
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Sadly, Getnstrong sums up my situation perfectly. Probably my well intentioned yet ultimately ill advised efforts to basically try to give my mother everything that would make her environment exactly as she wanted it have now come back to bite me on the you-know-what now that AL has become necessary......she was just moved in over this past weekend. The somewhat regimented environment (i.e., med administration before she wants to wake up, usually 9:30 am or even later, scheduled meal times that she is retrieved for because she'd prefer to munch on some cheese and potato chips, forced bathing, which we were unable to get her to do other than some sanitary wipes, etc.) is making her turn on me as her punching bag. She was an only child as well so this likely just exacerbates her narcissism and lack of an ability to think anyone has a schedule. And, as I saw in a previous post, she can't do anything but bring up the most unpleasant family memories which I've essentially told her I will not engage in. So, for the moment, I need to extricate myself for my own sanity, knowing she has everything she needs to be safe, nourished, etc. So sad that there are so many posters experiencing the same thing....maybe we all have a little condo waiting up in heaven for us eventually. God Bless and hugs to you all.....
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Dana... I understood perfectly what you said... Your statement "maybe your mother doesn't want her world opened up" is just speculation on your part. My mother has opened up tremendously since she's been introduced (by me) to people in various social settings (she is all the more healthier for it... mentally and physically)... Yes, one thing that works for one person may not work at all for the other... We all have different opinions (in caregiving) on different topics on Agincare.com with varying caregiver situations and those of us caring for our parents/loved ones are pretty in tuned with their needs and wants.... It's just that it's mostly one person doing all the work... Of course through our attempts of successes and failures it takes a toll on us. We're here on this site with different insights/stories to 'share' even though we may disagree. What works for one person may not work for others.
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