Is there a way to get my Mom to talk about something other than all the things that are wrong?

I think most of us have tried LOTS of things to cheer our moms and dads up that have worked for only a few minutes or not at all. While anti-depressants aren't perfect, they help a lot more than our continuing to stand on our heads trying to "fix" things.

Heart2Heart, Suit yourself. Just don't complain about it.

So interesting and timely. I have a house guest at the moment, a mother of three who is very happily married and adores her children. She was very sick this spring. She had no energy for many weeks and lost a LOT of weight. She looks dreadful. She had all, all the tests done with all kinds of doctors (in Germany) and they finally decided it was just stress. What stressed her out so badly? Not the children. Her mother calls her every day and is very negative and complaining all the time for long bouts on the phone and it is very difficult for her to get her mom to take more positive attitude. Naturally, I thought of this thread right away.

Cheers to all!

Have you tried any day care programs?

I think day care programs are great. If I could afford it, I would go so I would have something positive to talk about. As I said, I find myself being all about the negative because nothing positive is happening. I still have. Good mind so I am trying to watch my conversations with my children and friends as well. I do not want my family and
friends to avoid me because of negative thoughts. I'm open for any suggestions you folks come up with for me.
Thanks

I truly understand your pain. My MIL is very negative. She lives in fear, she complains and she wont do anything for her self. I had to tell her if she needed attention that she wouldn't get it from me. I explained to her that if she didn't think enough of herself nobody else would. She still thinks someone owns her something

Are there any local book clubs or hobby classes or community volunteer projects you could get involved with?

Sandra93...there are many senior centers, ours is at the park. about 40 seniors meet for lunch there Monday thru Friday. Lunch is $1.50 for most and I'm sure free if you can't afford it. Also offer all kinds of services and information at those centers. have you tried these? Oh...we also have a senior bus that picks up seniors and takes them there...for free!

She is probably depressed. I think day cares are great. If she complains about that just tell her you are going to try it and see. What are her diagnosis? Is she drinking plenty of water? Does she have a UTI? Is she diabetic? Ask her doctor to prescribe a light sedative to help...

I can understand everyone's frustration and discouragement about these situations. My mother is in a large 6 bedroom home she could sell easily for over a million dollars, but she refuses to budge. She has also fallen. The doctor could find nothing particularly wrong with her. I am wondering if it is, to a great extent, an attention getter situation. She's been to about 50 chiropractors, massage therapists, Internal medicine, doctors, orthopedic physicians, you name it. Nothing wrong except some stenosis of her back. This all started around six months after dad died. It is a difficult situation, and sometimes our parents who have been so in control and knew what they needed to do that to see them seeing unsympathetic to others, unkind to others because they think everyone should be happy to be with them all of the time as if we all have nothing else to do. It is very upsetting when you know your parent is probably making a bad decision to stay in her three story house where one day she will likely fall, no one will know, and that will be the end of her.
We also visit weekly, my bother and his family live next door to her and my sister and her family visit often, but I get the vague feeling that she wants more. She is very ambulatory, still drives and could go places herself to meet others and enjoy the rest of the life, but mainly sits at home watching tv. I guess we should all just accept what is going on with our loved ones as that is what they want to do with their lives. What do you all think?

wiseone: Huh? What are you adding to a post that's over a year old?

OMG, I apologize for not having any answers for you. I just found your post because I am dealing with the same issue. ALL my mom talks about it negative stuff. It drives me crazy. I pick her up for an appointment or even on the way to do something supposedly fun, like lunch and off to TJ Maxx and by the time I am half way there, I am ready to scream. I try to change the subject, telling her something cute one of my grandkids (one of her 21 great grandkids) did or said and after she says Oh how sweet, she launches into how she never sees the kdis any more or how everyone has their own life and is too busy to see her or she starts to forlornly reminisce about how much she used to babysit but now you would think they would remember and come see her. She complains about EVERYTHING!!!! The most beautiful weather in the world and she complains that she dare not open her doors and windows because bugs and dust will get in. And heaven help me, if there really is an issue at hand, she completely perseverates over it and talks it to death. If I am just quiet thinking that eventually she wear herself down and stop talking...nope, she just goes on and on and on repeating herself. My only advice: pray, don't try to correct her in any way, and learn to set some sort of boundaries...I am working on it but not very successfully. Also reading a good book on dealing with difficult parents. Good luck!

'Debbie Downers' are very difficult to be around... it's so ingrained in them and very toxic (wearing and stressful) to the person listening to the negative comments. Boundaries and not engaging (cutting conversation short and leaving) is the only way I can think of to deal with these personalities. (There was a Saturday night skit about this a long time ago... google 'Saturday Night Live Debbie Downer' to see some of them... might give you a chuckle).

Both of my parents do that. It's hard sometimes to keep your chin up when it's day after day-my parents live with me. And when my mom doesn't sleep well it's even worse-"my life isn't worth living" or "I wish I wouldn't wake up", or my dad will weep because he can't get out and shingle a house anymore. They were never social people, so they really only have family. I usually have to guilt my sisters and brother into a phone call or visit.

I totally understand... it's so hard for us to absorb negatives... so toxic... My mother's brother just passed (another one of four that past and two sisters) and I'm the only one that she really goes,to for her pain... Everyone else around her forgets I'm the one who does everything and no one thinks I have feelings or is affected by all this trauma... and, it is 'trauma' in so many ways for us caregivers... My two brothers think I'm invincible, immortal, superwoman...

Oh, no! I watched Debbie Downer and she reminded me too much of me. No wonder no one likes me. Sniff. I hope the turkey doesn't walk off the table this Thanksgiving.

Too funny Jess... I don't believe it... tell me it isn't so... :)

LaraLu: That's incredulous! One thing you could attempt, though very difficult, is to just not respond to such an acrimonious person. Keep your lips sealed and then if she asks why you stay silent, you can say something akin to "when your mood is less nasty, then I will communicate with you!!!"

Thank you, those of you-Heart2Heart and JesseBelle-Debbie Downer-that's a good one! I learned something new today.

So glad it helps Llamalover... Also, there's another excellent old Saturday Night Live skit (google this for You Tubes.. I don't think they allow hyperlinks in this site):
Stuart Smalley is a fictional character invented and performed by comedian and satirist (and later United States Senator from Minnesota) Al Franken. The character originated on the television show Saturday Night Live, in a mock self-help show called "Daily Affirmation With Stuart Smalley." It first aired on SNL's February 9, 1991 episode hosted by Kevin Bacon. Stuart is Franken's middle name. Franker has stated that his "going to Al-Anon meetings inspired [the character] Stuart [Smalley]".

I'm good enough. I'm smart enough. And doggone it, people like me. :D

:D. Yeah!!!

Did you ever think that's what a day in her
life is for real. I have days like that. Only
thing I can talk about is the negative things
as nothing happy happening. Spend a day
with her and see. Might be she's not trying to be negative
just nothing else to talk about. Sounds like she's
very depressed.

The SNL stuff is a good uplift - thanks, folks. Just saw my mother last evening and....yep; same old/same old. The aides are sneaking in her room when she's sleeping and eating all of her candy, donuts because they must like it, according to mom. She misplaces something in her drawer and it must have been stolen - that is, until I open the drawer and see it sitting there in plain sight. And, yes....no one is available to talk by phone anymore, everyone is too busy for her and, the best one in our family - "when's a good time to talk with your brother?" Brother, BTW, is bipolar and only speaks to anyone (typically me) when he feels like it and that's not often. He lives in Kansas with his girlfriend and hasn't seen his own kids or grandkids in over 7 years and, of course, that includes mom. She knows what he's about but, still....she just can't stop herself from obsessing about him. On one level, I understand (as a mother) but on the other, it makes me want to tear my hair out because this isn't going to change and she can barely dial a phone anymore. Anyway, time for some SNL repeats probably.... ;)

Imb... it's wishful thing on your mom's part that everything will turn out 'good' at this juncture in her life... i believe we have to try and not take it personally (I know it's hard)... switch our brain right away to thinking something else (so it doesn't get under our 'skin')... we're all working on it... thNk goodness for comedy and humor when we need it, eh?... Hope you have a nice week... (Do something nice for yourself).

Thanks for the supportive comments, Heart2Heart. Yes, many of us are apparently in this same situation, sadly. I'm so very fortunate to have a husband who is willing to shoulder a lot of the burden - he is a Godsend!! Hugs to you and everyone else as we navigate these tough times.

Thank you Imb... yes, you are so lucky to have a great husband who supports you. Take care of youself (ves).

All of you have described my mom, one way of another. I am the only care giver for mom. I live next door, and the mask she wore all her life, is truly off now. Always negative, but bright and happy(tries to be) when my other brothers and sisters call. Now she doesn't even pick up the phone. My dad passed away 10 months ago. Now she only talks bad about him too. She has medication, and tells me she takes it, but I can tell when she doesn't. She refuses to talk to me, I never do anything for her, talks bad about dad(who loved her dearly)....

My question, before I write a novel :) is has anyone tried using herbal remedies such as calm support and DL-Phenylalanine? I think she would take them more since they are herbal and she thinks medicine is bad for you... There's the ego thing, she is always right, but can't remember anything *sigh*.... I was just wondering if anyone has tried it, or has it been mentioned somewhere else? My mom is not a addict, if someone is thinking that. I was just thinking a herbal supplement would help with her severe depression.. Be strong my friends.......

jessie of course the turkey won't walk off the table unless you forgot to nail it's feet down again or you got the one the President just pardoned. No Pres elect Trump took that one home he's too smart to let a turkey slip through his fingers. Maybe I really should get citizenship then I can vote. After 65 you don't have to pass the test so no worries there - just pay the money.

I actually had to look at who had written this post from HelpMeMom to see if I had written and forgotten that I had! I just came across this conversation stream again looking for anwers and saw that I wrote a few months back. Things are getting worse so I guess I need a little reinforcement for my resolve. My 87 year old mom also has always had a "glass half empty" attitude towards life although she has had a pretty darned good life compared to so many. She certainly did not have the best childhood but according to her "stories" nothing good ever happened. I could literally go on for hours about how she complains about EVERYTHING and she is the world's biggest procrastinator, she prides herself on being "a worry wort" (she sees that as evidence that she loves deeper and is less selfish than others), she is a perfectionist and NO ONE can EVER do anything to her standards, yet she's become a hoarder, she's a germaphobe (no one cleans the way she can!) and only because of all her ailments she can no longer do much of anything and her house is a mess and hardly ever gets vacuumed (whenever I do it, she says she would prefer not to have a "half-assed" hurried job and she will do it "right" when she can get around to it); she REFUSES to let anyone help her or come into her house EXCEPT family but because she complains incessantly and EVERYONE knows they won't please her, most have stopped even asking to help; she's a complete martyr (insisted on putting up her 7' Christmas tree although at least 4 people in the family offered to help); she is scared all the time yet refuses to have anyone live with her and in no way will she even consider for a second to move herself (she has a security system, outdoor motion detectors, flood lights, a First Alert and multiple locks on all doors yet she hears people rattling her door and has seen a man standing outside in the middle of the night yet she's extremely hard of hearing and cannot hear the doorbell or one of us knocking on the door!); she's financially well situated thanks to my dad. He passed away 2 years ago and she is completely depressed yet will not take any meds. All I can do is pray, read the posts by others on this site and try to realize that I MUST be the one who responds in such a way that I can somehow love my mom for who she is, not who I wish she could be. She's been a great mom and grandmother but somehow, has not adjusted to the aging process and the changes that come with life as one gets older. I would love to see her happy, loving the fact that she's lived this long and has so many people who truly do love her. She cannot see that...she only sees what she doesn't have anymore, every negative aspect of everything. I get upset with myself because I am often so frustrated, annoyed and mentally exhausted that I don't feel the compassion and understanding that I know I should feel. I feel like a shrew sometimes rather than a loving daughter. I have to stop wanting (expecting) to get accolades for all that I do. After I've spent time with her, helping her in some way (Dr's appt, bills, grocery, bank or to a movie and out to dinner) and she's very appreciative, wants to pay for my gas or buy me lunch or asks what she can buy me to repay me for "my time")...it's still winds up later as some sort of "ding"...a criticism or not so subtle remark about the time I spend with my grandkids...it's as if she's resentful that I have a life. She even says sarcastic remarks when I tell her I'm cleaning house ("Well you're lucky or it must be nice") yet she refuses to let me come in to clean her house ("I don't need you telling me where to put stuff or what I should get rid of). Bottom line...(I will use a phrase I personally dislike and it's waaaay over used)...It is what it is! Thanks for taking the time to read this. It was cathartic to get it off my chest!