Mom passed. Any advice?

There's always more to the story. Since they did not tell you she died or answered your texts, something had to have gone on before Moms death. Were they mad because you moved a plane ride away? Did they expect you should be the one to care for Mom because they had lives they were not willing to give up and felt you were better able to give up your life?

People should never have expectations on what another person should do. I try to never expect because then you aren't hurt or mad when they don't do what u expected of them. Knowing the situation u were in, your siblings were cruel. Should you write them notes, if it makes you feel better but I would not apologize. Maybe you can do one email to all. Saying how hurt you were that you were not notified of Moms death. That then they chose to ghost you. You would have loved to say goodbye to Mom. You probably would not have made the funeral because your DH is receiving chemo to fight cancer but you were not given that option. It saddens you that not one of your siblings felt you had the right to know about ur Mothers death. How cruel of you all.

My question is whether you and your siblings got along very well until AFTER the passing of your mom. If you did not, then this seems to be the norm, and not unusual. But if this "not getting along" happened with the last illness and death of your mom, then there may be a way to communicate about it.

The truth is that communication is the only answer here. I would write a note that is to all your siblings, but sent to each one separately telling them of your feelings as stated above. That you feel pain that your own husband was so ill that you could not be there as much as you wanted to for mom and for them at the time of mom's demise. I would tell them you miss them, and ask them if they are open to a visit from you, or if they are able to visit you. And if not, if there is some way you can all reach out to chat on zoom or some such.

Then, and according to their answer to you, you will have relief, or the peace of having tried. And you will, if they are unable to respond to your heartfelt request, have to move on, making friends and "family" where you live, whether through your faith-based community, senior centers, or groups devoted to hobbies help in common, book clubs, knitting clubs, quilting clubs and the like.

As to your mom's passing and your inability to be there, we are all hobbled by our limitations in life. We all do the best we can do. Your mom, it sounds, had support. I am so sorry for your loss. I wish you well moving forward.

I'm very sorry for your loss. [[Hugs]]

I absolutely understand. You weren't just "too busy" to go to your mother's funeral, you had a crisis going on. You can honor your mothers memory in your own special way. It was in her "life" how you interacted with her thats more important to remember than her funeral. My siblings have been toxic with me while i mostly cared for me mother while alive. Yet i had to endure their negative vibes (resentments) when she died, at her funeral. But that's the kind of people they are. Vent your feelings in a letter. Tell them how it wasn't a "small thing" for you to miss your mothers funeral. Dealing with the living in crisis is important, as with your husband. If you love them, tell them. If they want to get stuck in the record groove of condemning you and what transpired to cause you being unable to go to the funeral then that is inescapably sad and upsetting. If you have explained and told them you love and miss them you can do no more, apart from group counselling sessions. You also lived far away. First, forgive yourself, as you understand the predicament you were in. If they never do it cannot be anything but remain a sadness. As long as you've said all you can, part with love. Always love and kind words. There is always hope they will understand one day. Your mother continues to love you from above. I hope they will enjoy you while you are alive. It's their loss and all your loss if you don't. Sadly, I am better off without my toxic siblings in my life. Butvrest assured, i am surrounded by love and my partners family who have all been amaizingly loving and kind for all the 30 years i have known them. My adopted family. There is always that feeling of wishing for that one last chat or perhaps could of done more or one last hug to say goodbye. Always. But she is hugging you all the time with her love sent from above. Continue to love her and cherish the good memories, as her live continues forever to surround you. Here is a hug from Devon, England. X

Abby,

I am so sorry for the loss of your mother. Of course, you would have loved to have seen her one last time. This intention is enough. You are not ‘less than’ because you weren’t able to be there. You shouldn’t be treated as if you are.

I’m quite sure that your mother knew that you loved her and that is what matters the most.

Your siblings should have been understanding of your situation with your husband.

Do you think for one minute that your mom would have wanted you to abandon your husband in his time of need? I seriously doubt that she would have. Why on earth would your siblings or anyone else expect that from you?

Your siblings are unreasonable and have shown their true colors, or perhaps their grief has affected them deeply and that is why they are behaving oddly.

I truly hope that your siblings will come to their senses and realize how they behaved. I also hope that they will apologize to you. Then you will have to decide if they are sincere and if you choose to forgive them for being insensitive to your needs.

Maybe there will be a reconciliation in the future or maybe they won’t be any peace making. Whatever the outcome, hold your head high knowing that you did absolutely nothing wrong and in fact, you did the best thing possible for your husband in his time of need.

You couldn’t possibly have been in two places at once. Your desire to be with your husband was completely natural and should have been accepted by your siblings.

Wishing you peace as you heal and grieve for your mother and hurt feelings from your siblings.

Do speak with a grief counselor if you feel that it would help you to sort through your emotions. Take care.