My 85 yo mother is barely able to walk with a walker, is frequently confused, asks the same question over and over, has trouble with ADL and yet is in absolute denial that there is anything wrong with her. My sister lives with her but needs to get away occasionally for work. we are getting to the point where we do not want her alone for more than an hour or two. When we tried to get a home healthcare provider in her house she had a fist slamming hissy fit and told us to leave her alone and mind our own business, stop treating her like an infant, etc. the shouted that she REFUSED to get anyone in the house. What to do? Last week filled the dog bowls with pecan cinnamon crunch Special K instead of dog food and when we corrected her she put it back in the cereal box! Then, after dinner, she thanked me for a nice breakfast, commented that it looked like another cloudy morning, and said it was time to make her bed!
I used another ruse to get her to stay one afternoon a week at an Alzheimer's day club by telling her I worked in the front office. I'd wave goodbye as I told her I had to go check in with my boss next door. She was fine thinking I was in the room next door. The folks at the center knew about the deception and they were helpful to play along.
My mother-in-law lives with us and 24/7 caretaking is exhausting. I used to feel guilty about these deceptions, but they are the only way I can gain her cooperation to get a few breaks here and there.
She said ' I don't want them to see the dirty house.'
'Well, that's why we need her to come.'
'I would be too embarrassed.'
'They've seen dirty houses before.'
'Not like THIS one!'
So that's where we are now - don't know if I will make progress or not.... ( she won't go to daycare either, with the 'loud old people.')
Sigh.
Oh, and the cereal in the dog dish...? That made me laugh. My mom has cooked the cat food before, so just be glad it was human food going in the dog dish, and not pet food going into the human dishes! ;)
Meals on wheels might be a good way for Mother to get a nice hot meal once a day. (My mother loved this. And when asked about it she always mentioned the dessert first: Oh yes, the meal was good today. The apple crisp was really nice!)
Don't be blackmailed by your mother. Help her in ways that strengthen her independence for as long as possible. And why should she want to pay for help if she can bully her kids into providing that help for free?
"Oh Mom, I could not possibly prepare all your meals! But I could arrange for Meals on Wheels, and bring you a couple of homemade meals for the freezer when I come to visit." "I'm sorry you don't want to try Meals on Wheels, Mom. But I still cannot prepare all your meals. Perhaps you can locate a restaurant that delivers. Or buy prepared meals in the deli department of your grocery store."
This would be especially effective if you and your sibs are on the same page. "Oh, I couldn't possibly do that, Mom. But I could arrange for someone else to do it for you."
As Ann Landers used to say, you can't be a doormat unless you lie down. Stand up for yourself.
Mother has a table-pounding, shouting hissy fit. Not pleasant. But what if you go ahead with bringing in some help anyway? She'll probably have another fit. But would that escalate into violence? Would mother attack the helper? If she pounded and shouted and she were ignored, what would happen?
I like Staaarr's suggestion of an alternate explanation of what the helper is doing there. She's there to water the plants or feed the dogs or because she is a friend of sister's who needs some income. Or maybe she wants lessons from your mother on making Mom's famous dumplings. Or she is there to learn to knit or to teach knitting. Or she is there to help Mom organize and label that huge box of photographs sitting in guest room closet. Anything that Mom might accept.
My husband was not pleased when I hired a handyman to do chores he used to handle. I kept assuring him that since he was retired it was time for him to take it easier. This mollified him some.
My husband accepted that he had dementia, and that made things much easier for me. But he often didn't agree about his impairments. "I can stay home alone! I don't need a babysitter." And I would reply, "Yes, I am sure you can, most of the time. But we never know when Lewy (what we called his Lewy Body Dementia) might mess you up and that one time you'd need help. Please accept this for my sake. I will worry the whole time I am away otherwise. I do a lot for you. Could you do this for me?" From what you say about your mother, that probably won't work, but perhaps you can think up a variation on it and might be applicable to her.
My heart goes out to you and your sister. You are doing your best and thinking only of your mother's best interests, but it is very hard when you get resistance from her!
If you try various approaches, let us know how they work out. This is a very common problem, and we learn from each other.
If you have a good relationship with her doctor you might want to describe what is happening and get her to tell mom that she can not stay alone, that way you would be following "doctor's orders" when you bring in helpers.
If there is a senior daycare in her area she may enjoy getting out for the day. If she resists the idea I read one comment where they had convinced their loved one that they were one of the volunteers there ;)