My 85 yo Dad is in Stage 5 dementia. He walks with a walker, has memory losses, doesn't talk much and is progressing as expected. He also has Sundowner issues. Gets agitated easily in the afternoon and early evenings. He recently has started to have weird night terrors. Yelling in his sleep, even kicking and trying to punch my Mom.
Mom is 79 yo and is sharp as a whistle. She still drives and handles all their finances. I've tried talking to her about her safety. I'm afraid Dad is going to unconsciously kick her in the middle of the night, she's going to fall out of bed and break something. She has osteoporosis and I think her bones will break easily.
Mom will not talk to me or my siblings about putting Dad in memory care. She says everything is "fine". I can't even talk to her when Dad is around because he'll "get mad at her". She's living in fear of his anger.
What can I do to get Dad the care he needs and keep my Mom safe?
My Mom wanted to continue to share a bed even after her hip replacement and her complaining that Dad kept kicking her at night. When he had a stroke and needed a hospital bed she still wanted to believe he would be able to move back with her one day.
Its so hard to make big changes when you are at that age, consider what they are giving up. Consider ways to make the changes in small steps.
Also, help her to see how their relationship could continue even if he’s in memory care. Could she visit every evening for dinner? Do they have continuing care options so she could live on the grounds in regular housing and make friends with the other ladies who are in similar situations? She might actually enjoy the friends and events, in addition to getting help with her husband’s care.
Once your mother starts making small changes, it may help her to see that things change, it doesn’t all have to stay the same. And look up Sundowning for suggestions about that. Click on ‘Care Topics’ on the top right hand side of the screen, an alphabetic list comes up, scroll down to S for Sundowners’ Syndrome, and you’ll find articles, questions and discussions that may give you some ideas. Perhaps your mother might like to follow up some research too. You say that she is sharp as a tack, and it may help her not to feel so alone.
Good Luck and love, Margaret
So I think mostly you need to decide what it is your Mom really wants, by talking to her. You really have no choice but to follow her wishes. You have at least broached the subject, which is really a good thing. Will get her thinking. Just be certain not to push it so hard that it forces her to "push back" instead of really thinking about how you may be right.