I want to start off by saying how thankful I am that I came across this site. I care for my mother who is 73 years old. She is physically able however I support her financially and emotionally- due to being her only child. This morning we got into a little bit of an argument because she was having a "tantrum". She asked me to help her with a chore but wanted it done her way, not in the way that I understood it could be done. She spoke to me in an aggressive tone that I didn't appreciate and I expressed this. We went back and forth for a few mins. One of the things she mentioned was "when I die..." trying to say that when she passes, I will fall apart and things won't be the same because she knows best and I don't want to learn from her. This isn't the first time she mentions "when I die..." I reached out to my therapist to speak about my feelings of hopefulness, feeling stuck, anxiety/stress. Now my question is, do the elderly typically speak that way? "when I die you will miss me?" or "when I die things are going to be different?" or even "I bet you can't wait for me to die?" And if they do, why is it? I'm really trying to better understand what my mother is going through in order to better support her. Any piece of feedback is appreciated.
Are you willing to listen to that for another decade at least?
She is physically able, what is keeping her from having her own life and what can you do to reclaim your own life?
I think at this point she needs therapy more than you.
Your tale reminds me of a fight my parents had when they were first married. My mother told me that she insisted they fold their bath towels in thirds lengthwise to hang on the towel bar, because that's how her mother always did it. My dad folded them in half lengthwise to hang them, and it absolutely gave my mother fits. She finally complained to her mother that my dad was raised terribly and didn't even know to fold the towels in thirds, to which my grandmother replied, "I only folded them in thirds because the towel bar was too short to fold them in half."
My mom was stunned that there was no one right way to hang towels!
Share that with your mom, have a good laugh about how there are lots of different ways to do the same task, and tell her you treasure this time with her. Be sure not to diminish the value of her experiences, because they are a result of a long life, and ask her about how she learned to do various things.
I’m a 35 year old single woman who takes care of her 73 year old mother. I am also a school teacher which is what brings me joy. My mother has exhibited some behavior changes that I’m concerned about. She seems more irritated and irrational as the years go on. I hope to find some resources to better support her and me.
First off, has mom been tested for cognitive impairment, since you say you are concerned about her being more irritated and 'irrational' as the years go on? I'd look into getting her a SLUMS or MoCA test asap; speak to her PCP about it, to see what she scores now, on a scale of 1-30, to get a baseline.
Speaking to you about 'when she dies' and how sorry you'll be is not rational behavior, no. I have 2 children and I NEVER speak to them about how sorry they'll be when I die and how I'll bet they can't wait for me TO die. That's passive/aggressive FOG type behavior (Fear/Obligation/Guilt=FOG) and comes from a negative space in your mother where she's trying to emotionally blackmail you.
Here is a Google link to FOG:
https://www.google.com/search?q=fear+obligation+guilt+mother&sxsrf=ALiCzsbJNVGPgWk05yfKQGr4n15GzyuH6w%3A1654382424044&ei=WN-bYoqqAvGekPIP1ts6&oq=fear+obli&gs_lcp=Cgdnd3Mtd2l6EAEYATIFCAAQkQIyBQgAEIAEMgUIABCABDIFCAAQgAQyBQgAEIAEMgUIABCABDIFCAAQgAQyBQgAEIAEMgUIABCGAzIFCAAQhgM6BAgjECc6BAgAEEM6EQguEIAEELEDEIMBEMcBENEDOgsILhCABBDHARCjAjoICAAQgAQQsQM6DgguEIAEELEDEMcBEKMCOgsILhCABBDHARCvAToNCC4QsQMQgwEQ1AIQQzoHCC4Q1AIQQzoHCC4QsQMQQzoLCAAQgAQQsQMQgwE6BAguEEM6DgguEIAEELEDEIMBENQCOggILhCABBCxAzoHCAAQsQMQQ0oECEEYAEoECEYYAFAAWL0NYN8daABwAXgAgAGNAYgB8AeSAQMzLjaYAQCgAQHAAQE&sclient=gws-wiz
Then read this excellent article about passive/aggressive behavior & what it looks like:
https://www.excelatlife.com/articles/crazy-makers.htm
You are 35 and your mother is 73. You have a whole life in front of you and mother can easily live another 2 DECADES, with her anxiety and bad behavior worsening the entire time! You say you are financing her life b/c you are an only child. I was an only child, too, and never financed my parents' lives b/c it's not a child's job to do that. It's my job to worry about MY retirement and how I'm not going to burden my children with it, so I have to save for it myself. What about you? If you spend your money on HER life, what happens to YOUR senior years and retirement?
It sounds like you've been emotionally blackmailed into caring for your mother, sacrificing your life in the process, and spending your retirement $$$ to do so. Now is the time to wake up and recognize what may be happening, why, how to recognize the signs and how to get out of the situation you find yourself in. You may want to get some counseling to figure out how to best get support YOURSELF in this situation; then mom secondly. Get her to the doctor for a full medical workup about possible dementia/cognitive impairment, why she's so anxiety ridden and depressed (which in my experience often leads to dementia) and medicated appropriately. If she can then go into a senior living residence, you can move on with YOUR life and she can have some autonomy herself and her own life as well. And if not, at least maybe the two of you can live together with firmer boundaries set down and less accusations about "You'll be sorry when I die" interfering with your life! I lived with that dramatic nonsense my whole life from my mother & it drove me bonkers! She was always threatening to jump out of the window or kill herself too, all in an effort to elicit a REACTION from me. It just drove the wedge between us deeper.
That's my suggestion to you. And to pick up a copy of the book Boundaries by Cloud & Townsend to help you figure out how to set down some boundaries with mom and stick TO them like glue.
It's a lot to sort through, but you owe it to yourself to do so. Things aren't likely to get better as mom ages, only worse. NOW is the time to sort thru these issues, before they get worse.
Best of luck.
This might be part of her anxiety.
We all know we are going to die.
As you get older the fact becomes more "real" as we see our friends die and every morning we wake up with a new ache or pain.
She sees you getting older and that also reinforces that she is getting older.
When she says it again try replying with one of these.
You have taught me what you know and I have been able to expand on that.
You have given me strength (if she has)
You have given me stability (if she has)
You have helped shape me to be an independent person.
I am who I am because of you. (this is true in all cases good or bad influences make us who we are)
Things are always different when someone we are close to dies.
Even when your mom dies she will still be with you.
I am sure that there are times when you look in the mirror and catch a glimpse of her looking back at you.
I am sure that there are times when you hear her voice in your head when you have a question. That voice telling you what to do.
My mom has been gone over 55 years and I still hear her voice in my head.
Next time mom goes to the doctor you might want to bring this up, or send a not to the doctor if you do not go in with her. It is possible that with her anxiety she might do well with medication, if she is on medication checking doses might help.
And a side note testing for cognitive decline might be in order.
way off topic...why do you support your mom financially? if she is living with you she should be paying some of the bills. This might be important later if she has to apply for Medicaid and has a "nest egg" that might have to be spent down rapidly. paying you now for her care is one way to spend down over a longer time.
The truth is that there is no "right way" and no "wrong way". There is her way and your way and they are different. You are her daughter, not her clone.
Bless her heart, ANYWAY!
I sure wish you and Mom the best. Try not to read too much into every little utterance.
Do know that both you and she know that death is more near. It is something we think about more at a certain time. I am a nurse, so the subject was always a favorite of mine, and my daughter and I talk of aging, of loss, of death and etc. very often. Americans in general, imho , have a heart time talking about, as the Podcast says "Death, Sex and Money".
I think my mother asks these questions because she wants to feel validated and that she was able to make a difference in life. I want her to know that the value of her life should not be based on what it is now, but the contribution she has made over her lifetime. I think we all can get stuck in the moment and feel overwhelmed, under valued and stressed, I imagine this is exacerbated greatly for the elderly.
What I never say is, "You won't die" or "Your aren't dying yet" because I think it minimizes her feelings. I also think that talking about all the wonderful things she did throughout her life helps her realize that she is appreciated.