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My Mother (84, but otherwise in good health) is living with me, with the plan for her to age at home. It's nothing new for Mom to use "the silent treatment" when she's unhappy with me, and at times close her bedroom door where I don't intrude - dinner meals are always prepared, whether she eats with me or not. Things have since escalated, and she notified me she hasn't eaten in 3 days, with the intention of starving herself to death. The triggering event was telling her it's time for a deep cleaning of her room (my job, as it's my house and I'm the caregiver). My Mom is a hoarder, and the situation that developed when she lived with my brother and sister-in-law was horrendous. I was distraught because of the conflict/stress my family had to deal with, including the unsafe, unsanitary situation that from outward appearances looked like an open and shut case of elder neglect (it WAS NOT - Mom absolutely resisted all efforts to clean/de-hoard, by myself and others).



When I intervened on the family's behalf, Mom ran away with an out of state niece, who deposited her in a small home by herself, then left the state. Several months, and $10,000 later due to this misadventure, I did a "Mom Rescue", and brought her to live with me, by mutual agreement.



Well, my turn - I know what I signed up for, and that I would NOT allow the squalor to take root in MY house, and that I would need to set boundaries. So, here we are again - the Hoarding Playbook.



I lost my husband to suicide - Needless to say, my Mom threatening suicide is something I take very seriously. My current option is to contact her primary care physician and arrange for help, and to get this situation documented. My mom betrayed her family before, and to be honest I need to protect myself from any possible exposure to charges of elder neglect.



Any and all advice, observations, similar experiences shared is most welcome!!!

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You're absolutely right to not allow your house to become a filthy and hoarded mess. You say your mother notified you that she hasn't eaten in three days, which I'm pretty sure is a lie. You may not have seen her getting something to eat. That doesn't mean she isn't eating.
It's the very same tactic little kids use when they don't get their own way on something. Refuse to eat or hold their breath. I'd call her doctor anyway though and get his advice and documentation of the behavior. What will likely happen next is your mother will start telling others that you're starving her. Next will be you're hurting her. This happens often with the elderly when they don't get their own way on something or when they want to spite their caregivers/family. Dementia is often responsible for it, but not always. I've been a caregiver for a long time mostly to elders and am currently caring for my own mother (age 84). She uses suicide ideation all the time if she isn't getting enough attention from me or everyone else, to ruin something good, or just to spread her negativity and misery around. In fact she threatened to kill herself a couple of weeks ago because I refused to make hamburgers for dinner. Her problem isn't dementia because I've been on the receiving end of this behavior since I was a little kid. It was terrifying to me then. She's obviously never been serious. If she was she would not have reached the age of 84. Your mother wouldn't have either.
Don't play into your mother's games and that's what they are games. My first husband was an alcoholic/addict. He played these kinds of games too because this is what addicts/alcoholics to make sure the people who love them continue to enable them to be active in their addiction. By threatening suicide, your mother knows this will cut you deep because of what happened with your husband. This is her way of controlling you so you will enable her to compulsive hoarding behavior to continue. You have to tell her no. Tell her that the bedroom is getting cleaned whether she likes it or not because it's your house and you will not have filth, squalor and hoarding. Give her the choice of helping to get the room done, but it's getting done whether she helps or not. Then tell her if she wants to starve herself to death she's not doing it in your house. That she can go to a hospital or a nursing home.
She'll probably stop and have something to eat before you actually call an ambulance for her. If she wants to keep it going, call one, but I don't think she will.
It's hard to establish boundaries and to stop being an enabler. It's not impossible though. Your mother, like my mother and my ex-husband need that tough love. It's good for them and it saves lives.
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It's neither here nor there whether this is manipulation, under the person's control or what have you. The woman has suicidal ideation with a plan and that calls for a psychiatric evaluation.

It is not incumbent upon this daughter to be subject to the squalor of hoarding nor for her mother's triggering behavior. She (the mother) will need to live elsewhere.
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Jax, welcome!

Certainly, call her doctor, but when ANYONE threatens suicide (whether by starvation or other means) the appropriate response is to call 911 and have the person taken to a hospital that has a proper psychiatric unit.

Once mom is admitted to the hospital, you are entirely within your rights to tell the social workers that you will NOT be allowing her to return to your home as this would be an "unsafe discharge". You are not equipped (nor are any of us) to deal with someone with this level of mental illness (hoarding is, by definition, a mental illness).

Just to note, my MIL did in fact starve herself to death; she decided, after ill-advised aortic aneurysm surgery and possibly a stroke during recovery that she was done and refused food.

She was admitted to a nursing home and died there about 2 months later.
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XenaJada May 2022
I had a relative who did thatas well.
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It may well be time now to consider placement where Mom doesn't have the opportunity to Hoard. That is an untenable situation for you and your home to be placed in, and Mom won't be able to control nor change her behavior at this point. You do need to understand that at this point the removal of her last "treasure" would likely have a serious affect on her. Her wish to "go" is likely to her a very rational one; she would prefer it to losing the last of her "stuff" and her personal connection to it is like losing the "self".
I suggest you start with a counselor versed in hoarding behavior; there are specialists in this. Try to consider with that person what options may exist. I am so sorry for all you are going through and wish you well.
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JaxJoni May 2022
Yes, I do greatly need professional advice on how I can best handle this. I can go in and deep clean, toss and declutter - BUT I will be the bad guy again, and it will precipitate another extreme reaction from Mom.

Time for the professionals to do their thing, for Mom to hear it from others and not just her daughter. I can wait for the for the mental health support resources and not move forward on my own at this point.
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How hurtful of your mother to threaten you in this way after what you have experienced with your husband. Her behavior seems manipulative and just plain mean.

Has she always been like this?
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AlvaDeer May 2022
Hoarding is a mental illness. Her Mom isn't in control of her actions.
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Hoarders suffer a form of OCD. Some times, they might improve with psychiatric treatment (SSRI's). However, they usually have no insight and do not cooperate with treatment. Your asking her to be normal is unrealistic because she can't change on her own. Her suicide threats by starvation are manipulative attempts. Ignore them. If she refuses psych treatment, there will be no solution to your problem. Nagging her will never work, because she is sick. If you rescue an alcoholic and bring it to your home, you can't tell him/her that you won't allow drinking alcohol in your home. This is a similar situation,
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Becky04489 May 2022
where

T.Champ, Where do you get your medical/psychological information??
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Get your mother to a geriatric psychiatrist for a professional evaluation.
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ANY talk of self harm, suicide or a threat to harm others should be taken VERY seriously.
A call to her doctor, inform the doctor of the self abuse and threat of suicide.
A call to 911, report the threat of suicide
A call to APS, report the self abuse and threats of suicide.
A call to Elder Abuse Hotline. They do take calls on self abuse
Clearly document each call, who you spoke to and the discussion you had and the outcome of the call.

Your mother is mentally abusing you and you should not have to live with that.
I do hope you are seeing, talking to someone about your own trauma.
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BurntCaregiver May 2022
She is absolutely mentally abusing the OP because she needs to control her so she will continue to enable the hoarding behavior.
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My recommendation is that you move your mother into a facility that can provide care for her with the appropriate doctors.

The hoarding aspect is unsanitary and you shouldn’t have to put up with it in your house and home. She should not be able to close her door to you for any reason since it is your house and you are caring for her. She can’t take care of herself.

Hoarding is a symptom of a mental illness. She destroyed your brother’s home, a house in another state and now her room.

Threatening to commit suicide is being manipulative, and dangerous to her and you. Time to call her PCP and 911. She should go to the hospital. They will be able to help find a facility where she can receive the treatment and care she needs.

You can then be able to clean her room and get your home back to what it was.

I do not recommend having her return but to have her remain in the facility, since at her age change will not occur. Medication will reduce her symptoms and there will be fewer opportunities to hoard.
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Beatty May 2022
I hope some day soon this condition is better understood & treatable.

NHs also have trouble dealing with this. I saw first hand when on work experience a long time ago. I was asked to help de-hoard a room while the occupant was hustled into the bathroom by 3 staff (strongly reminded of their compromise to bathe on that agreed day). While howls & screams from the bathroom continued, we removed anything with food scraps & newspapers older than 2 days. Plus other revolting stuff.

Full tantrum on return to bedroom. It was her stuff, her room afterall... So I did feel bad.. but also the NH had hygiene & fire codes to abide to - to keep ALL occupants safe. It had to be done.

She could not name what was now missing. Never seemed to miss it the staff said. It seemed more about control. Everything she could see was hers, was part of her. Like she never learnt where the edges of her body stopped. Something babies learn.

The now clean lady then settled under her favorite blanket & seemed ok. Seemed secure within her environment.

They did this every week.
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Bring her to the ER for a psychiatric evaluation and dehydration and say " she hasn't eaten for 3 days and needs fluids and is dehydrated . " The Nurses will take over .
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JaxJoni May 2022
Thanks! On a positive note, she really did stay hydrated. Her actual hunger strike lasted for three days, then she snapped out of it AND I took her in to see her primary care doctor. Meds, plus referrals for cognition and psych assessments.
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