Mom was recently diagnosed as having a "Personality Disorder." I'm wondering what this means, and where we go from here?

What a beautiful tribute to sunshine in your Spirit, yearight. I agree with you. We are free to rejoice, free to celebrate and free to release and share our painful and stressful moments. Life happens. Sounds like we are all making the best of it. How uplifting! God bless us all. SecretSister, I sure do look forward to being reunited with Dad, and our other loved ones who have earned theri eternal rest. I enjoy my life, challenges and all, so I only have hope in my heart for eternity. The choppy moments of this life eventually fade away. Nothing on this earth is permanent. Why should my stress and worry be permanent when everything else is but for a season?

Dear yearight, can I ever relate to you. And my would I like to learn from you. Thank you for posting. Thank you for the reminder to pray and encouragement to rise above. We are more than conquerers! You are a blessing, and I thank God for you! :)

Yearight, you've made a huge point. Attitude is everything. We can still give good care and take care of ourselves. It's not easy, and for some it's extremely difficult. For others, they can't do it hands-on because of horrible experiences. But, still, attitude can make such a difference. Forgiving doesn't mean forgetting and letting ourselves be abused. But it can help change our outlook enough to value ourselves as well as the care receivers, no matter how difficult they are.
Carol

Dear yearight, I researched a little on BPD, and found it enlightening. A 100% BPD would be scary. I am skeptical of the whole Psychological system, (as they play God, and don't necessary believe in him), but attribute people's problems to outside influences (such as parenting and genetics). If one doesn't believe in God, they will never blame problems on personal choice (sin) or find a way to reconcile it or change themselves. I believe in hereditary. I believe we inherited a sin nature when Adam fell, and without God's provision, can never change. I think a person controlled by their father, the devil, will display ungodly, and often satanic behaviors. (Read about unclean spirits, crying & cutting in Mark). James talks about war, fighting, lusts, envy and enmity, which is also satanic.) God is the answer, and I doubt people will find lasting change or hope outside of him. All the Psychologists and Psychiatrists in the world can't help a person who lives in darkness and cannot understand the reason and wisdom light provides. Christ is the only answer. My Mom is foolishly lost, and cannot comprehend it. She chooses to follow blind and vain persons, and will remain one...unless she embraces the One who can help ~ the great Physician, who is God. All the labels in the world pale in comparison to God's truth and plan. Satan fools people into thinking otherwise. I know this from personal experience. His amazing grace saved a wretch like me, and set my feet on the solid rock of Christ. Without him, we are all as an unclean thing, eternally lost, and without hope. My Mom doesn't know that, so all I can do is pray, and try to point her to him. I'd appreciate your prayers in this matter, too. Thank you.

Dearest Secretsister, and Carol, I not only have Parkinson's Disease but severe depression, heart disease "and" Borderline Personality Disorder. About 1 1/2 years back I began attending a support group that centers around DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy). This therapy has helped me learn a new way of dealing with life without abrupt and disrespectful responses that cause hurt for myself as well as those on the recieving end of the spectrum. If possible, check into DBT with a professional or go to your library and look up Marsha Linehan's wisdom. It may shed some light and help all of those involved.

Dear ML, thanks for your input. I will take a look at your suggestions on line, though have no time for a library search. I am sorry to hear about your personal struggles. I went to your wall, and it sounds like family issues need attention, too. I'll post there. Take care.

To: N1K2R3, Many times I reread your post, "Do not try to engage them in a conversation or get them to do anything...you will regret it." I asked myself if I should if I should avoid contact. I already know to avoid certain types of confrontation. Perhaps some clairification would help me understand what you were trying to say. I keep thinking, how can I avoid engage Mom in conversation? Don't think I can. How do I keep from getting her to do something? Sometimes I want her to do something she might enjoy. Yes, there have been times I've asked Mom how her day was going, and she answered, "It's not." OK, "Not what?" I regretting biting on the bait, to be sure. But I did want to know how she was doing, whether for good or not. Rarely is it good.

Lately I've been waiting for her to lash out at me. But she hasn't. I was thinking, how wonderful that my newly learned and newly placed boundaries seem to be working in our favor. But really I think she's not fighting at present, is because she's too sick from the Chemo side effects. She looks rough, and says she really doesn't feel well. I feel for her. But I am very glad for the reprieve from what became commonplace and most unpleasant. Now it's just indescribably "too quiet," like the storm is brewing, and it's going to be a big one...

Mom seems to be getting worse, in terms of her attitude and symptoms. She is becoming more beligerant, argumentative, accusatory, paranoid and delusional. Her unreasonable expectations seems to be taking new shape, and her demands escalating. Just talking about the Clinical Physician who diagnosed her brings a bitter response and snarl to her face. She knows he knows her problem, and that many do not. Since he does, and I do, we are the target for her reactions. Hmmm. No way to deflect that, I suppose. The heat is great, and many times I feel singed. Sometimes I feel I'm fighting Satan himself, toe to toe. It has become a great battle. Thank God for a bit of respite, and some much-needed rest.

This week will be a tough one. Mom has her final Chemotherapy treatment, a follow-up, and visit with her Physician. The referrals so far have produced little in the way of treatment. Seems like we're just managing "the momster," and none too well. I'll bet if these professionals had to deal with her on a daily basis that they would find alternative means of caring for her. I just don't know how to articulate to them how bad things have become, and find a solution. If it were in my power and ability, I'd have her evaluated by a Psychiatric Specialist who would do an intensive inpatient evaluation, and aggressive therapy and medication regimen.

((( Any suggestions? )))

Today, is big phone call day, as I've been waiting all weekend for this. I'll be calling some professionals for their input. For one, Community Mental Health. I'll also call the Clinic she was at recently, and the Psychiatrist's office for their notes. What a chore! Her disease and care thereof is consuming my time and energy.

I have hired someone to transport mom to her Chemotherapy treatments 3/4 hour away. I won't be there to to deal with her directly, so will request they call me with their recommendations for further treatment.

It is hard to see our own loved one get worse in heath right in front of our own eyes. I my self have been on medication for my nerves. I have been looking over mom from 1996, she was not bad then with the Alzheimers/diementia it takes time and is not notice at first.But I did notice a difference in her behvior and living ways. It took a while for any one to listen. So many visits from Florida to New York due to falls and eye surgery, broken hips. However I did learn one thing you must take care of yourself first. So you can help mom, you will notice things changing before any one even her own doctor. And when a doctor is called in they can trick the doctors with answers, and seem normal to ousiders even on the phone. You yourself know your own mom. There are programs that will take the elderly to doctors appoinment and treatments at no cost. get with social services and elder care they can help you. Take care of your self and bless you in your time of crazy things going on around you. patrica61

I don't feel I'm so much watching mom get worse, as trying to adjust to her diagnosis. It changes the way I think about everything, from the past to the present. It also changes the way I need to respond to her, which is the hardest of all.

I've looked into many many programs, and transportation isn't available free for us. Since her Cancer treatments are in a different county, I've had to hire out-of-pocket Caregivers to transport mom. Ouch. Not like she has tons of $$ to begin with, but it saves me the stress of having to do it myself. Her anger toward me in out-of-control, so it removes me from being her target, and I get help, as well.

Now she is cancelling appointments with Physicians that she doesn't "think" she needs. Actually, she is trying to avoid their detection, and subsequent treatment (medication), which she desperately needs. One day she'll no longer be able to maneuver the system as she is, but for now, I'll let her "think" she's in control of things. She "thinks" she no longer needs a Guardian or Conservator, but the court, and her Physicians all think otherwise. Sad when they are deluded.

I am taking care of myself today by trying to clean up my office, and catching up on accounting and bills. Not fun but necessary. I'm thinking I should be outside gardening, instead, but sometimes we just have to do the next important matter. I did just help my son put up a tent in the backyard. I made him finish his school work first, and he can daydream of camping tonight. We'll make a picnic supper and surprise his daddy. Hopefully we can all go to the beach soon.

Oh SecretSister, Perhaps there would be a way to help you out by posting an exact site where you could find Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills. If so, let me know. These skills are an excellent tool for not only the BP Patient, but the caregiver and in fact if everyone used these skills to face everyday life, we would all be in a lot better shape emotionally, intellectually and I think "Every way." Please keep me posted.

I have been feeling stuck, and this gives me some alternatives to the same old patterns of behavior. I printed some lists, and Q&A stuff that looks really good. I'll be reading them, and going over them with a fine tooth comb, and making notes. I expect great results, and hope to glean as much as I can.

mlbatzer, thank you so much for your suggestion. I'm sure this is just scratching the surface of what's out there. Again, thank you. I'm grateful.

And to those of you who suggested DBT before, I thank you, too. I don't always respond the first time I hear something, but three times really gets my attention. Bless you all! I'm praying this puts the joy back in the journey. At least I feel a resurgence of hope, if only for my own well being.

Since my last posting on this thread, much has been revealed to me in terms of Mom's mental status diagnostically. I found records dating back to 1974 from present, clearly indicating a multitude of diagnosis, and a host of Counselors, Social Workers, Psychologists and Psychiatrists treating her. To date, I found Physicians assessments indicating:

"Generalized Anxiety Disorder, an Adjustment Reaction with mixed emotional features, Underlying Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder, Major Depression, Cognitive Dysfunction Secondary to Depression, Depressive Neurosis, Depressed Mood, low averages on Psychomotor Speed, Mood Affect somewhat attenuated, and a secondary diagnosis of a Passive-Dependent Disorder."

He also states: Her perceptual awareness of her environment is below average, and ability to perceive what is going on around her is between the bottom 10 to 27th percentile, in comparison with people her age (18 years ago). She therefore, is not aware of her environment, as one would expect." Further, "...not able to utilize her intellectual and psychological resources efficiently to cope with everyday type of problems and activities...tends to be overly analytical and anxious...does not respond sufficiently to important details in her experience."

These result in: Obsessional Thoughts, Easily Agitated, Furthermore, "...the Roschach evaluation suggests that she is experiencing symptoms...that take the form of inhibition and emotional constriction. She is not able to think and respond with confidence in highly emotional situations. She, therefore, can become somewhat defocused when experiencing intense emotional reactions..." "She appears to have withdrawn some from her environment, so she is not aware of what is occurring around her."

Regarding the Thematic Apperception Test, he states, "This is a woman who has a very strong need for people to take care of her. This is a woman who also has a theme in which she experiences considerable frustration. The frustration cmes from people who do not listen and do not respond to her when she is seeking recognition, validation or apologizing for things that have gone wrong."

She was also diagnosed as having an: Inability to cope with children, parents and principal, and overwhelming stress on the job. (Here she was using the system to take an early retirement as third and fourth grade teacher.) Basically, she just didn't want to go to work anymore...because she lost a job as Remedial Reading Specialist. She complained of "problems with parents, discipline of the students, and harassment from the principal."

Her Psychiatrist states: "In talking with both the superintendents, (at her school) it was my conclusion that both of these gentlemen felt that she was not capable of functioning adequately within the classroom." (My sister and I could have told them that 23 years previous!!!)

She states she, "...developed a great deal of anxiety, depression, and numerous physical sumptoms: severe headaches, muscle spasms, back pain, diarrheah, sleeplessness, gastritis, leg pain." She was given narcotic pain medications to "help" with these symptoms, and had been taking narcotics for over 50 years...until I got involved!!! And she wants me removed from the picture, because I'm blowing the whistle on her games. Now she's accusing me of causing her the same stress she accused others of.

Her evaluating Psychiatrist states: "She appears to be intellectually inhibited, emotionally constricted, and experiencing psychological blocking. The indications of psychological conflict are seen primarily on the projective tests. This suggests that this is a woman who has difficulty putting order into her life and has more difficulty functioning in ambiguous situations... I would recommend that this woman engage in psychological counseling."

I have also noticed increasing memory loss, (forgetting appointments, conversations...) confusion, (with medications, instructions) safety issues (door left wide open for hours with unsecured valuables inside) and vulnerability to undue influence by unscrupulous individuals. This is alarming!!!

Mom was in treatment with a variety of mental health professionals for over 39 years (at least that's all the records I've found to date...) The one closest to an accurate diagnosis states:

"In treatment, she has shown poor psychological insight. She is not psychologically-minded or introspective. She tends to be a very reactive individual. She is insensitive to the motivations and motivations of others. She is a person who is psychologically quite rigid in her relationships and approach to life. When situations become ambiguous or she has to cope with confliciting relationshps and strong emotions from others, she tends to somaticize and/or becomes very emotionally reactive. She, therefore, has very poor skills, as far as resolving interpersonal conflict. She is very unadaptive. She becomes very anxious and inadequate when forced to deal with criticism from..." (In my opinion, ... a n y o n e.)

He states, "It is my opinion that this woman has a very poor prognosis for being able to cope with the demands of...interpersonal relationships in a group setting."

How would you like to be her Guardian?

Does not her current medical team see this??? Why are they not trying to help the family and her Caregiver for this individual? Due to her complaints about me, I am seeing another Attorney tomorrow.

What's a daughter to do?

Sister: This report (copy of) MUST be included inher chart.

Thank you, N1K2R3. I have given a copy to her current Psychiatrist, who has only seen her for two 1/2 hour sessions. He tells the court she's "fine," and ignores my notes and pleadings. CRAZY system!!! Says all she needs is: "help with finances." While I try to make appointments with her PCP, Geriatric Assessment Team, and anyone who will listen...only to have them all pass the buck to...???

Her PCP told me he's not dealt with such before, and referred her to one who discounts everything. I am the one getting frustrated, as I've been to several doctors already. The Geri Team says it's psychiatric, and the current Psychiatrist seems incapable. They don't know she falls asleep with the oven on and burns food, or two days later leaves the stove on. Or loses her cell phone for days, and her keys forever... They don't have to deal with argumentativeness, hostility, accusations, lying, paranoia, and a bitter spirit. I am at a loss of what to do next. Mom can still "perform" for short periods of time, which is why some don't see it. But only for short periods, which is why the Geriatric Assessment Team did see it. But how do I find a competent Psychiatrist to accurately diagnose???

Sad to say but mental illnesses both biological and personality disorders don't get the attention in geriatrict medical training as they should.

You could look in the yellow pages for psychiatrists and see who has the training and availability to diagnose personaility disorders and other mental health issues in the elderly as well as is available.

The records you found should be used by your atty and entered into the evidence for gaurdianship.

I've read several of the posts here to say that contrary to the one person who said you can't talk to or expect anything from someone with a personality disorder, you can. It takes a lot of strength, a refusal to walk on eggshells which was mentioned in this thread many times, the ability to make clear, concrete boundaries with consequences along with a determination to focus on keeping yourself on a healthy path despite what they chose for you did not create your mother's mental health problems, you can't control it, nor can you fix it and believe me if you think elswise, you will self-destruct trying.

The reasons people end up with personality disorders are complex and far more a psycho/social disease that has been learned in contrast to a fully biological mental illness like bipolar, clinical depression, schizophrenia, etc.

Before the lable Borderline Personality Disorder, we use to just call those people plain mean. A new term for this is catching on which is emotional disregulation.

Unfortunately, parents or a parent with narcissitic personality disorder raise children with borderline personality disorder or people who make great therapists. Understanding the Borderline Mother and Surving a Borderline Parent are great books.

Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up's Guide to Getting over Narcissistic Parents by Nina W. Brown.

For a list of books for adult children of a parent with a mental illness go to.
http://nccmentalhealth.org/sonsanddaughters.htm

You might consider a book about "Emotional Vampires". It is well written, funny, and it finally sheds light on what makes them tick. Better yet, it offers practical advice on what to do once you have identified them.

I highly recommend it to everyone.

Crowemagnum, thank you, Sir, for your astute observations. You seem to know quite a bit about mental illnesses, and about how to handle difficult situations. I am grateful for your helpful suggestions. God's grace, and the phone book have been superb guides at many times when I did not know where else to turn for answers, so I will follow your suggestion. Thank you for your excellent advice!

Annlidiot, the book you recommend has an interesting title. Seems the world is facinated by vampires, these days. Have you had experience working with a loved one diagnosed with a personality disorder or mental illness? Practical advice is always welcome, and I thank your for your recommendation.

Since learning of the diagnosis, I have spoken with many of the health care professionals involved in the care of our loved ones, and have researched several avenues and facets, trying to understand the complexity and level of need our loved ones possess. It has been quite a learning curve along the way. My family and I have tried to decipher what the medical profession is telling us, and how to best provide for the ever-changing needs of our aging parents. It has been a unique opportunity to become intimately involved in the care of those whom previously cared for us, though not without challenges. In fact, it has been downright difficult at times, as you probably can guess. We are beginning to wonder who can best meet the needs of a particular loved one, given the nature of their bent. When dealing with mental illness, who decides what is in the best interests of said individual when the medical profession, clergy, and even court systems disagree? This is a highly complex issue!

What amazes me, are the people who profess wisdom and knowledge, but work against our humble efforts, and even thwart progress, in an effort to alienate us from the one we are trying to help. They are quick to blame and criticize, yet offer no practical alternatives or help. Many times, they have been more part of the problem than solution! I'm referring to "experts" and "professionals." Family members can be included in the list of those who do not seem to understand the difficulties involved, nor the limitations for handling certain situations. Seems the sharp-tongued armchair quarterbacks have all the anwers we lack. They're the first to condemn our efforts, adding to our fatigue, frustration, and grief. Yet, where are they when our loved one demands that 17th unrealistic expectation for the day? They sit by and watch us toil under the weight of improbable odds, ready to condemn, or worse, glorly in reaping where they have not sown, gathering in the spoils. Tragically, the person who desperately is needing help, falls by the wayside in confusion. This is heartbreaking to those who are expending their best efforts in an attempt to provide quality care, or perhaps "rescue" a loved one from themselves and the powers that be.

Crowemagnum, we have worn out several phone books since embarking on this voyage. We've called pastors, agencies, nurses, physicians, counselors, specialists, therapists, attorneys, and more. They say it takes a village, but we have found that even villages have weak links, and are not always supportive. Perhaps another government program will solve everything!? (Let's not go there...) I will make more phone calls, that next office consult, and show up for the next court date, etc., until they wrangle it out of my battle weary hands. Until then, I'll work as if someone's life depended upon it, for it may.

I started on a very steep learning curve 7 years ago about mental illness when a family member was diagnosed with Borderline Personaility Disorder, Bibpolar and some extended family members found what I was reading helpful to understanding their own lives and some very mentally sick relatives. Since then, I have taken and taught the NAMI course for families and friends of someone with a mental illness called Family to Family. The web link that I listed earlier is to a page that I wrote and update. Also, 6 years ago I was diagnosed with Bipolar II.

I would encourage people caring for an elderly person with a mental illness to find and take a Family to Family Course offered near you. I would also encourage people to contact the NAMI of their state because often they have someone with a weatlh of knowledge about getting help for your loved one. To find out how to contact the NAMI, National Alliance on Mental Illness, in your state go to NAMI.org. Very often their are support groups called affiliates in several counties of a state.

There are also state Mental Health Associations with county offices which can help you find out about resources. However, NAMI is my preference to begin with.

Getting back to my own family, some of us have become mental health Jedi Knights who seek to keep ourselves free from the dark side of our relatives with diagnosed and undiagnosed personality disorders. We've found it necessary, which the literature recommends, to get counseling for ourselve because for one thing it is far too easy to pick up mental illness fleas from someone with a personailtiy disorder that we can't see ourselves but a therapist can help us with. Always remember, you didn't create 'mommy dearest', you can't control 'mommy dearest' and you can't fix 'mommy dearest' for only in movies like Star Wars do the 'Darth Vaders" of life get healed. May the Prayer for Serenity keep you on the good side of mental health as you care for loved ones with diagnosed and undiagnosed personality disorders and other mental illnesses.

Hi! Mental Illness seems to fascinate people like us who never have had any experience with it. I am ever amazed at those who suffer from Depression, Bi-Polar intensities, or worse yet, a Personality Disorder and yet can manage their lives with drug treatments and psychotherapy,(very important).

I feel blessed that no one in my family has ever had any mental illness whatsoever. The APA has removed neuroses from the category of illnesses. I guess too many people are neurotic and yet function just fine. What do YOU think?

Neurotics build castles in the sky, but Psychotics live in them, and Psychiatrists collect the rent.

NAK2R3, who exactly are you talking about in "people like us who never have had any experience with it"? This thread is by a caregiver whose mother has a personality disorder. I've posted above about relatives in my own family with mental illness and that I have bipolar II. There are others here who have described their loves ones as mentally ill.

What I think is that it is very hard to believe in the existence of a perfect immediate and extended family where there is not a single diagnosed or undiagnosed mental illness.