My mother lives in an assisted living facility 200 miles away. I go to visit her once a month. Since her condo sold, I have to make the trip down and back in one day. My mother gets upset when I am not able to attend all of the events at the assisted living facility. She calls to tell me about the other daughters who come to visit their mothers all the time. I try to explain that I don't live close by but she gets very upset and says well if that's all you care about me and hangs up the phone. She refuses to move closer to me because she says it is to cold where I live. I am an only child and have to travel by myself to visit her. I am the only one who goes to visit her. I feel very guilty about only visiting her once a month but I'm not a spring chicken.
He indicated, you cannot tell him to do things one way one time and expect it, then turn around and say do it another way. Example: It is time to eat a well balanced meal, the kid wants to eat a bowl of candy 30 minutes before the meal is served.
You say, no son, you must wait until after our meal then you can have some candy.
You are the one expected to be the decision maker at that time. So you follow through. Next time a meal is ready to prepare and son comes up and says he is going to eat the candy ahead of time, he is hungry now. So you think, well maybe it won't hurt this time. So he indulges. Next time around same scenario, Son wants candy before the meal. No you say, it is not good for you. Then the tantrum. Frustration! He Does not understand why he cannot demand and have the candy. He had it once before the meal, why not any time he wants. So it goes, we must set boundaries and stick to them, or no one understands why not.
One has to have lots of patience with young children coupled with love, and on the other side of the line, even more patience and love while making major necessary decisions for our elderly ones. For in many cases, the old body is regressing while a young body is progressing. We do what is best for the issues involved to help things run as smooth as possible, while continuing to look for ways to coop to the best of everyone's abilities to be balanced and reasonable and in turn happy. Here is a Hug your way. joylee
The 'Teflon' idea [see above] sounds like the best proposition for you. You can only do what you can do.
Re what harpcat saus: It is doubtful that you can 'take over' after your Mum's death if you have a POA. A POA gives the grantee the right to make decisions for a living person, not for a dead one. However, I see you didn't raise that issue, so I wonder what prompted harpcat to raise it.
Just do your best. It seems that you are. Your Mom might never understand that, but it will not change them fact that you are.
:)
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"Mom, I understand that you would like me to attend more of the lovely events at your new community. I am so glad you like your new home, and enjoy going to the events I am able to attend. However, when you complain that I do not come often enough, it takes the pleasure out of visiting. Therefore, I suggest that you let me know which event on your monthly calendar you would most like me to attend. We can also do another activity or two so that my monthly visit is truly a special day that we will both enjoy."
Some facilities have a room where visitors can stay. Have you explored the option of an overnight visit so you can spend two days instead of one? That would be a nice compromise and a meaningful gesture.
If you do convince your mother to move closer to you, you can count on the fact that she will be even more needy and demanding. When your mother's condition declines (which it will), the demands on you will increase. I would wait until that stage is upon you before moving your mother closer. It might be a good idea to start exploring living options ahead of time so that you will be better-prepared when that time comes.
Barbara Matthews, author
What to Do about Mama?
http://bgmatthewsblog.wordpress.com
It is not free to travel 400 miles once a month.
I have had the reverse experience with my younger daughter. Always strong willed she would call ask advice then argue and finally slam the phone down. I never called back and in a couple of weeks she would call again as if nothing had happened. So I absolutely agree with Sodonewithsal wait for her to call you and don't sit around feeling guilty.
If she moved closer it would not satisfy her and she would have you running round in circles all the time. Do you really want that every day?
When she hangs up on you in a snit, don't call back. Let her call you, and when she starts up on the "all the other daughters" again, tell her you've got to go -- someone's at the door, the sink is overflowing, you have an appointment, whatever. Lather, rinse, repeat. She'll eventually get the message,
My dad would say those same things to us when he was in Independent Living place that everyone has family coming for brunch except him. Of course EVERYONE didn't, but no matter, it seemed that way to him. It is more acutely evident when living in a communal facility.
You are doing your best. I liked the comeback Maggie posted above. Your mom chose to live there but she is manipulating you. Why feel guilty? She should feel guilty!
My dad did finally move here near me, and now that he is on proper meds, he is happier that he did. But he had to be the one to ask to move here and he did. We knew we couldn't force him which is why he stayed in his own city at first. Wish you the best and please take off the guilt...not worth it. She's using manipulation strategies on you.
I really believe as one gets older their concept of time and distance disappears.
I still cannot convince my Dad that I can't drive more than a certain distance because I don't like driving, yet he will ask if I could take him here or there.... it's like what part of "I hate to drive" doesn't he understand... [sigh]