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I truly do not have a problem with her eating one meal, but she eats breakfast, lunch and dinner. I think what has sent me over the edge as of late is that she will put items on the grocery list that she does not give my mom. She will prepare them for herself and never offer it to my mom. I know this because we have cameras in my mom's home for her safety when she is left alone for short periods of time. I have noticed that she will also bring her clothes to wash as well. Understand that my mom speaks very little English and she will not ask her for much of anything. I feel that it is out of fear that the caregiver will be mean to her. My mom is also on a fixed income. Not that we don't supplement when needed. However, I do not feel we should have to provide 3 meals for an agency's employee. And...yes the agency has been made aware of the issue. As far as I can tell, it has not been addressed. Should I address the caregiver?

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Good Morning,

Let's face it finding reliable caregivers especially after a Pandemic is no easy feat.

I believe in hospitality. Other's wrote your mother would not have to eat alone.
It's so touching, even though my mother has dementia, she never picks up her fork until I join her at the dining room table. It's important to have company when one eats. Basically, this caregiver has to eat. If she's order fillet mignon and charging it to you that's a different story.

There may be more benefits than drawbacks. I make sure I sit with my mother at every meal. Now I realize that I am a family and your situation is employer/employee but at this stage of the game, I call it the last mile, food is one of their major enjoyments. I think I would like someone to join me rather than eat alone and serve me.

If you think that the caregiver would be mean to your mother than by all means you should NOT employ her. Everyone is scrambling for good help so to speak and you have decide if the benefits out way the problems.

The agency probably figures, you don't like it there's 100 other people that are looking for a caregiver.

Your home is not a laundromat. I would speak up about that. You need to have a "Come To Jesus" meeting with the caregiver and tell her the things that are going good but inform her that other "things" should they continue would be a deal breaker.

Let's face it caregiving work by agencies is backbreaking. They are underpaid, overworked and short staffed. The franchises make the $$$. Usually immigrant women or women of color do this work. The immigrant women also take care of their parents and do not put them in nursing homes. I respect them and also think they should unionize and be paid at the least nothing less than $35 per hours plus gas, continuing education, uniform allowance. Ireland and China are turning this into a highly regarded profession.

It's shouldn't be let the immigrants do it they'll lucky to have a job. This is the Lord's work. Look at what athletes get paid. Did you know it takes more hours to attend school for a certificate in dog grooming than it does to become a caregiver. It shows what we value in this great country. I love America but there are certain things we could improve.

After WWII the elderly became discarded and less valued. Gone are the days when people rose to their feet when an elderly person entered a room. The immigrants respect their elders but you/me also have the responsibility to protect them.

It's time for a meeting...Amen!
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ForReal May 2022
You're mixing entirely too many images in with paid employment.

What this caregiver has been perpetrating is theft, and it is simply unacceptable. No one takes anything without asking or being offered. It is a poor representation of herself, her ethics, and her character. It also poorly represents the agency that she works for.
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Unless this CG is putting caviar, lobster & filet mignon on the shopping list to eat herself, I don't see it being a huge deal, personally. Would you tell her to bring her own food in a lunchbox with her every day to your mom's home, yet expect her to feed your mom 3 meals a day? Is that your goal?

If a load of mom's wash is already being done, what's the difference if a few more items are thrown into the wash that's already being done?

How many hours is this caregiver employed at mom's home that she's eating 3 meals a day there? It sounds like she's working too many hours & has no free time to do her own laundry, cooking or grocery shopping. If that's true, you may want to cut her a break b/c she's working long hours on your mom's behalf!

Why are you throwing in that you 'feel it is out of fear that the caregiver will be mean to her"? That statement makes no sense to me. So if you speak to this CG about eating food and/or washing clothing, she's going to punish you for doing so by 'being mean' to your mother? Have you ever seen or heard this person being mean to your mother in the past?? You have cameras in her home, so you'd be the first to know if something unkind was happening, right? The CG is either a nice person doing a good job or she's not. Or, you feel like it's not a very nice thing you'd be doing to her to tell her to quit eating your food, and for that reason, she'd retaliate?

If this CG is not doing a good job, ask for a new one to be sent to you by the agency. If she's doing a good job, don't be petty and look for reasons to be pissed off with her, that's my suggestion. Good help is hard to find, especially help that works long hours. When I worked as a caregiver to elders, the vast majority told me to eat whatever I wanted, and/or to join them for meals when I prepared food. It's common decency, in my opinion, b/c I was washing their bodies, cleaning their home, changing their soiled briefs, linens, providing companionship to them, and taking them on errands as well as shopping for them. In reality, I became part of their family to some degree and was treated accordingly. If you are going to treat your caregiver like a thief and put her actions under a microscope, then perhaps it's time for a new caregiver b/c you either don't like her, don't trust her, or both.

Address the caregiver however you see fit, but consider she has feelings as a human being and may be hurt & insulted by your words. Tread carefully and think hard before you speak. Ask yourself if it's worth it to possibly sever this relationship over a few bucks.
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BurntCaregiver May 2022
I couldn't agree with you more, lealonnie. The OP is pretty much knit-picking. She's looking for any reason to find fault with her mother's caregiver who puts in so many hours that she's in her home for three meals a day.
The OP should consider taking care of her mother herself instead of using hired caregivers. If she wants perfection she should step up and do it herself.
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If she was taking good care of my mother, I would let her eat anything she wants. A good caregiver is as rare as a fine ruby. Be thankful you have one.
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Rhernandez20 May 2022
That’s what I did. It’s just me God will provide.
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I have multiple healthcare people 7 days a week. They are welcome to eat any meals that are prepared. But I decide the menus and make grocery lists. They have no say. If they don't like what I have, they can buy and bring their own. Only me and my family are allowed to use my kitchen. One of my aides is vegan and she brings her own food when she works. Doing laundry is over the line. I also don't allow smoking or pets in my house and they can't bring their children with them.
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Wow! That caregiver is bold!

Don’t engage her directly. Arrange to have a replacement in place first and then call the agency to inform them of problems and fire her. If you engage her now, she might be abusive to your mom.
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I definitely would not allow a caregiver wash their clothes and prepare her meals and not share it with your mother and her buying groceries for herself. This caregiver needs to be fired her character is at question. What else will she do!
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If she's really good with your mom, then I would speak to her. Explain that your mom can't afford the extra food. Maybe you can come to an understanding. I would be concerned that if she doesn't think that she is over-stepping her boundaries on those issues, what else is she doing?
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How many hours a day is this caregiver putting in if she's there for breakfast, lunch, and dinner? Normally when a person works a full-time job (8 hours a day) they only have one meal during working hours. Do you put in so many hours on a job that you'd be at work for three meals a day? My guess is no.
It sounds to me like this caregiver works so many hours for your mother that she would have precious little time to cook for herself at her own home.
You say she prepares meals for herself and offers your mother none. Please put this into context. Does the caregiver eat at a different time than your mother? Does she say make herself a sandwich and your mother has soup instead?
She does laundry at your mother's house. Your mother could very well have given her permission to.
You "feeling" the caregiver might be mean to her does mean that she actually is. Why don't you observe them interacting with each other through the network of cameras you've installed in her home and see for yourself.
You saw fit to snitch the caregiver out to her agency and they've done nothing. Maybe the agency and your mother are not as upset about it as you are.
If I was employed in such a position, you would not have to report me to the agency for eating with a client because I would have left this position the minute that kind of knit-picking started up.
Good caregivers are hard to find. If you found one, don't be an a**hole about her eating with your mother.
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If they are eating together and it's not expensive food, then I would think that's a good thing, as eating is supposed to be a social activity.
We had a live in caregiver who ONLY cooked foods she liked and wouldn't give my parents anything if they didn't want it - spicy foods from her culture. So I would make food for them and she would give them small portions and eat the rest herself. That was NOT ok.
You may need to look over the care plan/contract before making any decisions, as there may be an agreement in place for her to add food for herself. Maybe your mom told her she could?
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One meal, shared with your mom is all that I think is OK. How many hours a day is the CG there? Taking the good graces of your mom, sounds like you have a person who is stretching the boundaries a bit.

When I worked CG, I ate breakfast at home, and lunch was a shared meal. It was whatever my client wanted. I worked a 6-8 hr day. Never had dinner with her, not once.

As far as cominingly the laundry--that is over the limit, I think.

How close do you feel to this CG? Do you fear that if you approach her in 'anger' she may take it out on your mom?

I'd let the agency do the talking, then if you don't see a change, talk to the CG yourself. In the meantime, prepare to interview other CG's.
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