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Mom and Dad have lived in AL for two years. Mom's dementia continues to decline. AL is not enough anymore. My husband and I spend the night with them on weekends. And I go there by myself the rest of the week. My Dad and I are exhausted trying to help her. We are constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop, ie: falling, cleaning up poop, and now she is hallucinating, verbally abusive, sundowning, and hitting my Dad!
Do we find a place for her to live in a memory care facility, even though she still knows who we are? Feeling a little lost....need direction. Thanks so much.

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Based on your comments here which I've been reading, your mother needs a Memory Care community only; one that has ONLY residents with various dementias and Alzheimer's, as the staff is trained to deal with them and their behaviors. Your dad can stay where he is and you can bring him by to visit as you're able. Your mom doesn't need to be unable to recognize family members in order to 'qualify' for Memory Care.........she's well past the point of needing it as it stands right now!! They will help her with everything she needs help with (eating, toileting, dressing, bathing, etc). This is too much for your dad and you to handle alone; Memory Care is the answer you're looking for.

Wishing you the best of luck!
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katgrab Feb 2020
Yes....based on what you wrote, I think that's the way we need to go. We are doing her no favors trying to cobble a life together where her needs aren't being met. And she is miserable and screaming at us because she doesn't understand why her body and mind are failing. The past two years have been the most stressful and heartbreaking time of my life. My precious little parents are 93 year old toddlers. I just want them to be safe and feel they are loved and respected. Thank you for your advice.
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We placed our step father and his wife in AL, he has a 100 medical things wrong with him and she has Front Temporal Dementia. This facility was chosen because it has a step up program, when they time comes they will be moved to MC, together. When he passes she will immediately be moved to MC.

Right now, he can rein her in, tomorrow who knows? The only difference in the apartment is that there is no kitchen area and he can sign her out when need be.

Your circumstance is a little different as she is becoming violent. Perhaps you can find a home that offers both, so he can be in one room she in another, they can still visit each other. Good Luck!
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katgrab Feb 2020
Thanks, DollyMe....I really wish my sister and I understood this process 2 years ago. We would have definitely looked into AL that transitions into memory care. Big lesson learned. Unfortunately, it's too late. My Dad doesn't have another move in him. And my Mom will probably get kicked out.
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Yes do start with checking for UTI as this is the fastest, easiest thing to rule out or treat. Peace to you!
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katgrab Feb 2020
Yes, my sister and I are on top of the UTI 's the minute we smell that "barnyard" odor and detect a change in personality. She just finished another round of antibiotics, plus she is on a low dose, continuously.
The way she acts now has been a slow downward spiral over the past 2 years.
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Katgrab
Does your parents ALF have Memory Care? If not, perhaps it’s time to look for one that does have elevated care options for both their sakes.
Who manages your mom’s meds? Has she seen her doctor recently? Does she have access to a geriatric psychiatrist?
Oh and do have her checked for a UTI tomorrow. That can be a huge contributor to the behavior described.
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katgrab Feb 2020
Their facility is AL only. Mom has been diagnosed with Lewy's body. Yes, geriatric doctor and a few different neurologists. Dad is not on any meds and completely lucid.
Mom has fallen backwards and fractured her neck TWICE. We must watch her constantly because she won't use her walker. Taking a low dose of antibiotics, daily, because the UTI's have been prolific. They are FINALLY under control.
She can't toilet herself. She eats with her hands.
Now she thinks all the caregivers at the AL are having affairs with my Dad! This is creating quite a ruckus at the AL as the employees are not trained to handle her behavior. They mean well, but her behavior escalates when they talk to her. She has a dead look in her eyes. She cannot finish a sentence. Her hands shake. Poor thing is a mere shell of who she once was.
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Memory care is not the same as nursing home. Memory care can look and feel a lot like assisted living. Where my mother lives is called "enhanced assisted living with memory care." My mother has her own large room with her own TV, a phone I supplied that screen calls in and out, a view of garden, her own toilet and shower. Meals are served in dining room, TV in living room area, games and activities in lounge area. Lots of windows and light, holiday decorations, kindly aides, nurse every day. Doors of building are locked with key code so residents can't go out unattended, but residents can freely use one door outside to garden area. Huge variations in these places, check them out in your area.

Many have posted here about risperodone and other psych drugs helping with hallucinations.

You will soon be inundated with advice!
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katgrab Feb 2020
That place sounds wonderful! I fear my Mom is beyond that, but most definitely a thought for my Dad.
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