Mom's doctor revoked her license, but she is so independent and stubborn she won't listen to anyone. What can be done?

It has been 8 days since the original post - hopefully Pattiesad has taken some action to stop mom's driving. Please let us know (if not, then let us know where she is so we can avoid the area!!!)

As many have said here, YOU CANNOT WAIT until the disaster happens. IF her license has been revoked, NO question but to at least disable the car. If you are not sure, you could still disable it until you confirm otherwise. You CANNOT take the chance that she will hurt or kill herself or someone else.

My daughter works dispatch, and she said the same about the police, but explained it is not that they do not care, but rather that they cannot intervene until something happens and then they have to deal with the aftermath. Think about it - you cannot be arrested for stealing unless they catch you or have video evidence, so the same applies for driving like this. She would have to be "caught in the act". In the act would be better than after-the-fact, but chances are the accident will happen first, so FAMILY must be PROACTIVE and do what they can to stop the driving. In most cases, telling, arguing, even getting someone else involved, is not going to work (sometimes maybe, as posters have indicated, but in most cases mom and/or pop is not going to listen).

Your mom's doctor, if he/she really did this, is a peach! Most doctors do NOT want to get involved in this issue. We asked mom's doctor treating her for macular degeneration to write a letter to revoke the license, but until her sight in BOTH eyes went beyond a certain limit, all he would do is TELL her she should not be driving. Like talking to the wall - what does HE know? Like Pattisad's mom, too stubborn, independent and pig-headed.

Like another poster's comment, mom wanted help with a "flat" and when I arrived to pump it up, I found it split from the rim to the ground, and the metal trim around the wheel well all bent up. After taking the tire to get it fixed, the mechanic said she ruined the rim too. Hmmm. What did you hit mom? Oh no, she did not hit anything! Yeah mom, just like the LAST time when you just "brushed" the telephone pole (6000$ in repairs, not including the deductible... only then did the mechanic let me know he had recently done the same work on it! Brother never told me about that accident...) Around this time we find the inspection sticker expired, the back of the driver's mirror missing... "It was there the last time I drove it" she says. Both front fenders had white streaks from brushing the side of the garage doors. As someone else said: Driving is a PRIVILEGE NOT a right. If you cannot maintain the car properly and/or are causing accidents, it has to stop. "But I don't go far" she whines. No mom, but you could go two feet and run someone over. Just NO!!

In other threads about this same issue, some have said no way, you cannot touch that person's car, it is stealing, etc etc... You CAN disable it just to keep her from driving it and IT IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO!!! If she decides to have it "fixed" you can offer to take it for her to a mechanic. Then stall, stall, stall. Give some outrageous repair quote that she cannot afford. Give a "mechanic" on repair shop letter saying the engine is toast. Something, anything. Doubtful she will question it. Nix the new car as they are also too expensive. IF you have DPOA, then while it is MIA, sell it. I do agree with MaryKathleen that if the car is sold the funds should be put into the person's account. Even if it goes to a family member, they should contribute something for the car. We sold it and deposited the funds in her account.

When my brother had the "chat" with mom, she did not say anything, just had the sad face of a 5 year old. I was there but said nothing. He took her key. On the way out I told him I know she has another key, can you disable it? He pulled a battery cable. Sure enough, nasty call to ME the next day demanding her key back. I could honestly say "I didn't touch your key". Response to her query of who did, I just said "You're so smart, you figure it out!" and hung up. The very NEXT day I get an even NASTIER call telling me to get down there right now and fix whatever it is I did to her car (see, I was right, she DID have another key!) Again my honest response was to say that I didn't touch her car. I did have to white lie and say I didn't know what was wrong with it, I'm not a mechanic... maybe the battery is dead, maybe something else, I do not know... :-p

The bottom line is she should not be driving and I would have been horrified to find out she maimed or killed someone if we left her and her car alone. For many long months after she whined about not having her "wheels", but that eventually morphed into saying she made a mistake giving up her "wheels" and whined about not being able to get out and "go" when she wanted to.

MollyBlooms - although scary, after-the-fact that story is quite funny! What a card that mom is/was! Thankfully she did not hurt anyone, but what a sneak! We did not take mom's license, just the car. We didn't really consider that scenario, but I suppose our mom could have done that too! She could also have bought another car fairly easily, except she'd likely be unsure how to do either lease or buy - Dad always took care of that stuff. Taking her to an appointment last month, she mentioned something about the car, so I told her to take her license out. Once she had that out, told her to check the expiration - oh, it is August... Yep mom, what YEAR? 2017. Yup. It is NOW expired so you are NOT legit to drive anywhere in anything. Period. She cannot anyway because we had to take her to a MC facility back in January.

Anyway, please Pattisad - get someone to pull a battery cable, spark plug, fuse, let the air out of one or more tires, ALL of these suggestions, whatever it takes to keep mom off the road. If she has anything like AAA, or a mechanically inclined friend, make sure it won't be easy to find the "problem" (doing more than one of the above might work). AAA will only fix itty bitty issues, if they can. Generally they will just tow a non-working vehicle.

Gosh, I hate growing old. Especially with some of the answers that are given on here. These patients are not dead yet, they are just confused. They do not know what you are doing to them or not doing for them. BUT, God does. I wonder if that is the test... In my grandparents day, they stayed with us until they died, I never heard any grumbling or fighting about their stay. What happened to us as people?

If you cannot control her driving, let the police know when she is out on the street and tell them you want her warned she should not be driving. Does she have a minister or someone she trusts who can explain this to her?

When I get there. I don't want someone just "taking" my car and giving it to a relative. I want it sold for fair market value and the money put in my bank. I need the money. I wonder how they transferred title? If they forged her name that is just what they did, forgery. I don't care if it is only worth $500.00 I want the money from the sale of my car.

We had to take Mom's car away. It was sad, but it was for her own safety and the safety of others out there driving or even walking. We gave her car to another family member.
She complained about it for several years, but it was better to be safe than sorry.

Remember this story? https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Santa_Monica_Farmers_Market_crash

Are you absolutely sure the doctor revoked her license or did he just say that and it didn't get through the system? Were you there when the doctor revoked her license? Have you checked with your local DMV or with the one in her town? This is where I would check if I were you. If you know where she keeps her license and maybe even the keys, grab those and her license and head down to the local DMV. Tell them what you told us here, especially if you happen to have record of her license being revoked by the doctor. Tell the DMV what the cops told you and that your mom is driving uninsured on a revoked license. I would also call my state safety department and report this because cops are required by law to pull people off the road and even confiscate their cars if necessary. It sounds to me like when you reported this and the cops said nothing can be done, it sounds to me like someone paid someone off to let her off the hook or maybe the cops just don't want to do their job, could this be a possibility? If she needs to be off the road, what I would do if all else fails is get pictures of her and her car along with a note from the doctor stating her license is revoked and take to social media and let the public handle it because anytime they spot her, someone somewhere will call especially if you keep posting this every day on social media and as many social medias as possible to raise as much awareness to the problem as possible until this problem has a happy ending

I love what elderlymyself did. My husband who has recently been diagnosed with AZ is not driving now. Lawyer told him "Hell No!" because of liability. DMV sent him a letter and he is going in for testing next week. He told me he might just drive. I told him if he did I would call the cops. My thought is instead of taking the keys, just rekey the car. We have keys all over the house and I don't know if I could get all of them or not. Besides that, why have the fight and have him feel demeaned by "hand over the keys Buster".

This is a little off-topic, but close enough that it may be helpful in situations where the license has not yet been revoked but the family realizes that the elder shouldn't be driving: After her elderly mother was involved in a couple of fender-benders, a friend of mine banded together with her siblings and broke the news to the mother that she could not drive any more. They explained that they were doing so for her own safety, and they took her license and the car. My friend said that her mother was strangely calm. Two weeks later, her mother was involved in another fender-bender, this time with a car she had just leased a few days earlier -- and when the police arrived, she showed them a brand-new, temporary license. It turned out that the mom had anticipated her children and had photocopied her license before they took it away. She took a bus to the nearest Secretary of State office, showed the clerk the photocopy, and said that she'd mislaid her license. The clerk, probably feeling sorry for this nice, dotty old lady, issued a temporary license with a replacement to arrive by mail. Now armed with a temporary license, the mom went out and leased a new car. The mother tried to keep the third accident a secret from her kids, but fortunately they live in a small town and the police passed the word to her family right away. The moral of the story: Never underestimate the cleverness of an elderly person who's determined to keep driving!

I would assume her doctor revolked it because of Dementia or Alzhemiers. If so, you can't reason with her. I also will assume since the doctor sent the DMV a letter that she received a letter from DMV asking for her license to be handed in. Because of this, I don't see why the police can't do anything since the state has revolked her license. Ask if an officer can come to the home and explain that. DMV has informed him that her license has been revolked and that he is there for the keys and the car. He can then ask you to please drive the car to impound and you really take it to a relatives or friends until it can be sold. Out of site out of mind. I hope someone has POA to be ablevto sell it. You now havevto be the parent. Yes, its a weird place to be. Take the keys and hide them. Like said, take the battery out of the car then say you need to take it to the shop. Then say its unfixable, like suggested. Yes, u havevto tell a little white lie. But the guilt of Mom being killed or killing someone will be far worse.

The Alzheimer's Association has a series of useful short statements addressing ethical issues. The one on driving says that if the person lacks insight and keeps attempting to drive, then family may need to remove the car or the keys. You can find these statements here:
http://www.alz.org/care/alzheimers-dementia-ethical-issues.asp

People here have given you a lot of good suggestions. You will need to try something, because the police and others usually will not get involved unless there is a court order. Good luck!

The time for handwringing and sweet talk is not when a parent has lost the ability to drive--yet continues to do so. Just imagine mom or dad plowing into a child and not being able to stop...can YOU live with the kind of guilt that would engender?

Mother's last hope for freedom was taken when she had her hip replacement done. She HAD it done so she could drive again. Sadly, the results were good, in that she was pain free, but totally reliant on a walker. Couldn't maneuver.

This is one time that tough love MUST rule. Take away the keys, deal with the drama that almost always ensues and be comforted in the fact she isn't out there plowing down innocent people. Every single one of mother's car's fenders was a dented mess, yet she never recalled hitting anything.

But do give them options for transport, Mother prefers one of the family escort her places, she had the option for a twice weekly aide and she turned it down. She is keeping herself under house arrest. I wish she'd accept new people in her life, she still wants to go do things, but drivers who can help her into and out of a car are becoming very limited.

A little levity for a serious problem- mom who has dementia, willingly gave up her driving years ago after getting lost. Yesterday she wondered if she could still drive. I told her she probably could but she wouldn't know where she was going! She laughed! So glad her sense of humor is still there.

I pulled the fuse to the starter.

When my two friends would not stop driving after their licenses were revoked, I phoned Adult Protective Services for advice. When someone phones, they have to send out a person to evaluate them. When she asked how they get their groceries, they admitted to driving. When she asked if they knew their licenses were revoked, they acted surprised. Later when she asked the husband what he though they should do with the car if they can't drive, he quickly said "Sell it." That was when I was able to get the keys and move it to a friend's garage until we had it ready to sell. He refused to give them to me before when I asked for them. (I am their POA).

The simple answer is to take her keys and sell the car. That would be easier for you than for her. Be prepared for an epic melt down. This is her independence. Her last vestige of freedom. You don't say how old she is or if she has any mental concerns, but understand that if you don't take her keys and she has an accident and hurts or God forbid kills someone, your feelings of guilt for not having taken her keys away will last much longer than the meltdown. Dealing with the accusations and anger when you more or less force someone to confront the iniquities of aging is something most of us have done, including me. But at that point, one needs to "man-up" and do what needs to be done. If Mom is up for it, make sure you and the rest of her family take her out for lunch, shopping, or just for a ride. Fall foliage is coming up! Don't leave her stuck and isolated in the house. That way, she won't feel so much like a prisoner and she'll get her over her anger much faster.

I had the same problem a year ago. When I told my mom she couldn't drive anymore she was mad but got over it. I took her to the DMV to surrender her license and sold the car. She still tells everyone, including her doctors that she drives.

We took my Mom's car in for some "work" and told her it couldn't be repaired when we actually sold it. That way she wasn't mad at us for selling it cuz she thought the car was broken. At 1st she wanted a new car but we explained she couldn't afford it and she shouldn't drive anyway. She was upset for a little while but would probably have been madder if we took the car from her.

We had that problem as well. BIL had POA and she lived with us. He sold the car and until it was sold the keys were locked in the safe. That was almost 2 years ago and she's still pissed. But she had 2 accidents in 1 month and the doc said no more driving.

Do not put others in danger from your mother driving. You have an ethical responsibility to see she doesn't kill or maim someone. She's obviously not thinking right. Disable the car, and take the keys. When she screams and yells tell her you couldn't live with the thought of her killing an innocent person when she's been told not to drive. Driving is a privilege not a right.

My MIL did roll her car on the hi-way but no other car was involved. She was fine. A couple of years later she drove to the grocery store and then called my husband and said she had a flat tire. When we got there she had 2 flat tires that she drove on until she made it home. Also the whole side of the car had side swiped a high curb. Again, no other car involved. This time my husband made a run to the police department and had them send an officer out to her house. He came and talked to her and that finally ended the driving. We parked the wrecked car on our farm so out of sight , out of mind. Sure was hard for her. She was 88 and had been driving cars and tractors all her life. Sometimes you just have to wait for the accident or disable the car.

In my state -- Florida -- if a person, in this case you -- sends a letter to the Department of Motor Vehicles, the officials will demand that the driver is retested. However, in the case of a friend who was a reckless driver, the driver may pass the test.

Sell her car
Disable her car
If he is living with you or someone else lock the car and keep the keys locked up.

I got a small safe to keep papers and other valuables in (good thing cuz I needed that when I eventually hired caregivers) and I would keep my keys in the safe or attached to my belt loop. Whenever I had the car in the garage or driveway the doors were locked.

Pattie, I found these articles here on Aging Care, hope they can be helpful to you:

https://www.agingcare.com/articles/taking-the-keys-what-to-do-if-mom-or-dad-won-t-give-them-up-112307.htm

https://www.agingcare.com/articles/is-it-time-to-take-away-the-keys-112306.htm

You take the keys and the car away from her.

If she has access to a car, it sounds like she's going to use it. The police will only arrest her if they catch her. It's up to the family to make sure that she doesn't have access to a car.

Why/how does she have access to a car?