sooz55 Asked September 2014
Mom's live-in caregiver is constantly late when I give her time off. What should I do?
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I'm talking like anywhere from an hour to three hours late, not just a few minutes. She has never called either and forgets to take her phone so I can't get hold of her. Maybe I'm stuck on principal and keeping one's word but I really stress out every time this happens. I told her from the beginning (and put it in writing), she had 3 chances - well, I've given her five and each time she says it will never happen again. Then it does. One time, she left at 1am and didn't return until 3am and never asked to leave - she just left. I feel taken advantage of and don't really know what to do about it. She gets a minimum of 18 hrs off/week. Your feedback is appreciated.
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Our first and only paid caregiver for Saturdays was a gem. Months later, she started slacking off. I hired her to take care of both my bedridden parents. Dad kept complaining to me that she was either sleeping or outside in our garden (she started one.) I never realized how much she slacked off until one day she asked her friend to cover for her. Oh my! That friend did a lot inside the house and with dad. She even cooked a meal for him. Our regular one always burned the pot, spilled on the burner and she never cleaned up her messy spills. Etc... After experiencing her replacement, I realized how much our regular cg had slacked off a lot! I sure hope your new cg continues to be a gem.
Speaking of "serious about the job" what does it say in your contract with her? The written contract laying out her conditions of employment - pay, hours, entitlements, responsibilities and so forth. There is one, right?
If she's in breach of it, and you've given her written warnings, then she's fired. As far as her rights of occupancy go, can you not find out what your area's regulations say, exactly? - but in general, if accommodation is part of her employment terms and conditions, I should have thought that if you terminate the job you terminate her "tenancy" too. No?
The conversation you need to have with her is a difficult one, and with respect it isn't just she who has blown it each time. You tell her she's fired, she cries and says she's got nowhere to go and she won't do it again, you back down, and - guess what happens??!! I know you know this, I'm just hoping the absurdity of it will bring a sigh and a smile, help you put your finger on where the problem is.
Look objectively at the conversation. What difference does it make to her who you've got lined up to replace her? Why should she care whether that person is better, worse or much the same? Seriously, by putting forward that kind of case what you are asking her to do is say "oh I see! Well, she sounds just wonderful! You'll be much better off with her here instead of me! Okay, I'll leave today then…"
Yes. Well. Quite.
To complete this conversation successfully, you have to be clear about what the bottom line of it is: namely, that her employment is terminated for disciplinary and contractual reasons and that you therefore require her to leave by [date]. What happens after that with your household is not her concern. Where she goes and what she does is not your concern.
Having said that, I suspect you have been counselling or befriending her (I suspect this because how else do you get any impression of what her boyfriend is keen on?). Since you have already been doing it, you had better finish the job by collecting some pointers for her towards alternative employment and alternative accommodation. Phone numbers, names of agencies, YWCA contact details, whatever. Put the information in a folder and hand it to her. This would be charitable and constructive - but thus far and no further, because you are NOT taking responsibility for what later becomes of her. Do and say nothing that is not directly related to her leaving as planned.
So two things to remember:
1. She's fired.
2. She must be packed and gone by [insert date].
Before you begin, consciously put aside any desire you have to be liked. I may be wrong but I think that could be where it's all going wrong - and most of us have fallen into that trap every so often, surely.
Oh, I am assuming that you are working with an agency. If not, then it's your problem and you are stuck. Just hope the caregiver will leave when you ask. There have been many instances where they refuse to vacate causing additional legal problems. Guess things like this are where working with an agency would come in very handy.
Good luck.
Yes, things come up occasionally that will run us late but those are exceptions and not the rule. Your caregiver should not be running late on a regular basis. It's selfish and disrespectful. And I agree about giving her more than the 3 chances. By not speaking to her about it you've let her know that her tardiness is ok. You are being taken advantage of but you gave her your permission to take advantage of you.
Who is watching your mom when she is running late? Is she still getting paid when she's late? And what does she do at 1am? That's weird.
Do you have a backup caregiver? If not, find one. It's too late for you to have a discussion with this caregiver since the contract specified what the consequences were if she were late and you didn't follow through on that. She shouldn't get "1 more chance".
The one I hired started slacking off months after she was hired. When another caregiver covered for her, I really liked this temporary worker. But she told me that she's only doing this as a favor for her Friend. In other words, she's loyal to her friend, the original cg. She was not about to steal her job right from under her. When this temporary worker left, I realized how much my original caregiver had slacked off. Well, I knew how much but .. to see the difference between the 2... I decided to lay off my original caregiver. I asked fave sis if she can start babysitting dad on Saturdays from 8am to 1pm. I sure do miss the paid caregiver but I refuse to spend $70 for her to do little but sleep for hours, then spend hours out in the garden. Uhm.. she's suppose to be watching my bedridden dad.