Mom's SCARY eyes! Anyone else experience this?

Both my mom and dad watch my every move. It can be unsettling. And lately mom had gotten in the habit of intense wide eyed stare after asking a question or telling me something. Almost as if to say...can you fix this. I am an advance practice nurse and I believe that the stare is a sort of plead for me to fix things. It can aggrevate me and breaks my heart at the same time. Because I cannot fix dad's dementia, their aging, Mom's debilitating neck arthritis and the horrific pain associated with it. I believe that as we age if our health declines, dementia or other issue rear their ugly heads....our world's shrink. I believe that dad's mental decline has trapped him sort of in himself...as his abilities slip away I feel like he watches (me in particular) to hang on to reality, to keep hold of what is in his world. He has mom and I and that is what he clings to. He does not like to have us out of his site, becomes fearful. Recently, he said (in a very lucid moment) "when I can see you or mom, I know I am ok. I know it bugs you sometimes, but you have to know that I am scared to slip away and being able to watch you and mom and know you are here, means I am still here...that I am ok. I am ashamed of not being the man that was your dad, of clinging to you with my gaze (he actually used those exact words). Thank you, for loving mom & me. I know my watching and sometimes hateful stares must make you inpatient and angry. But you never let on. It is horribly frightening to have to cling to life by watching your own child care for and worry about you. I never wanted you to have to be burdened with us. You have given up your life and freedom for us and there is no way give back to you. Except to tell you how.much you mean to us. The sad and frightening thing is, tomorrow or tonight, I won't remember saying this and I will be angry again and staring you down. Maybe you could write this down for both of us, so you can remember that I am still the man that is your dad, even if only for 5 minutes. Don,t bother giving me a copy...my damned old eyes can't read it"
I did write it down...word for word. Later that dad he was staring me down again. I went into the bathroom, pulled the piece of paper out of my pocket and read what he had said to me. I carry that paper with me and it is already flimsy and worn from me pulling it out and 're-reading it...when I am frustrated from the staring and watching. I AM SOOOO thankful for the moment of clarity that dad had...so he could give me glimpse into how he feels in his world.
I do not know if this has anything to do with why your mom is staring, watching, and has "scary eyes". But I share this story with you because I DO NKOW how maddening the watching and staring can be and is.
I do not have human children and do not consider myself a care giver. Actually, I am a care giver, as I am a nurse. But it is an entirely different kettle of fish when you are caring for you parents and the roles.are reversed. I cannot speak for you, but I feel so much responsibility and guilt. And I think that prior to my dad's moment of lucidity, I felt that the watching and angry stare were personally directed at me....almost as if he were blaming me for where he is, his condition, his decline. I AM A SO THANKFUL for the words and love he gave me.
Your mom is blessed to have you!!!!!!
Know that she loves you and perhaps she watches and stares, partly for the same reason my dad does.
I hope that you can find someone to give you even an hour break every now and then...simply to "BE" and know that the world is ok. And that you being in this world makes the world a better place.
I will be thinking of you and sending loving, restful lite your way (stares not included :-) ...... I hope this last comment at least puts a small smile on your face.
Remember, you are doing the right thing and there are many of us here to support you!!!!!!!

DesertRat.....Your answer has been helpful to so many and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for putting it in writing. Your memory of your dad's moment of clarity where he shared such a loving message brought tears to my eyes but also helped me to be able to see my 90 year old mother's idiosyncracies in a slightly less aggravating light. Thank you very much for sharing this intimate but oh so helpful moment with the masses.....bless you....

For the sake of your own sanity, accept whatever your mother does as normal for her age/stage and lovingly detach your emotions. Easier said than done, of course, but this is the only thing that helps as my own 95-year-old mother stares at me whenever I'm in range. Sometimes I'm able to distract her, but apparently she finds my movements more interesting than TV. Just let it be. It's our resistance that causes the pain. Blessings.

My mom was 89 and she started getting glass looking eyes. But we believe she started dementia. I took her and dad into my house took aleave from work to care for them. When she would stare I would always look at her and say I, love you Mama. Finally after weeks of this she started saying I love you to. My heart just melted. She passed Oct 2012. I miss saying those words to her. Now I'm taking care of Daddy. Tiried, wore out but I love him..

remember also that your mother's eyesight might be failing and so she stares so intensely to try to focus. Try not to internalize it so much...don't project onto her thoughts or feelings, you really don't know what she's thinking/feeling and when you are stressed, you are far more likely to imagine the worst instead of the best.

Arrrgh, well, I agree, when I understand how afraid my mother is and how she gauges her well being by my being close, it helps me. Yet, it is still terribly hard, the stares, the sneaking up on (got to get her tic tacs), the TISSUES, the whole nine yards. I agree with Gigi, the pain is in the resistance, acceptance is the answer to all of my problems, yet, it is not easy to accept 24/7. It is striving for progress not for perfection. I would also get mom's eyes checked. My mother will say her tea is too sweet when it is too hot, in other words, sometimes you got to investigate what is what. The eye doctor may find something you are missing here.

*DesertRat5555* - your post about your parent's "explanation" and your comments about it have been very insightful. Thank you!

Old peoples eyes dry out quickly, have you tried eye drops? Consider 94, what life might be like for her. She may be a different human being than the one you remember during her vibrant years, she may have fears and thoughts she is unable to express, she may have Alzheimers . Bless you for taking care of your mom. She won't be around much longer...give her love and gentle caring regardless of what you feel may be hostility behind those eyes. If you do that, you will have no regrets, but believe me, she feels your weariness, your anger, your resentment. She is in a position of total vulnerability. Don't know where you live, but you might contact your local office of aging, churches, senior centers to see if you could find someone to relieve you at least once a week. It's important.

I understand what you are referring to. My mother lives with me, she is 85 and suffers from dementia. Her eyes are the biggest part of her face, and her tonge is the strongest part of her body. They say that the elderly often become very angry, and this is part of the dementia. My mother glares at me often, she actually looks rather scary, and as though she can't stand looking at me. It's hard because the one who is closest takes all of the brunt of their anger, resentment, and hurtful words. My mother refuses to take anymore medications, so this will not be controlled. They become paranoid and think people are taking advantage of them, and don't even believe their loved ones who are very trustworthy. It is one of the hardest things, and also I am unemployed with no income, and looking for word at the age of almost 58 - GOOD LUCK, I know - but must persevere. She came from a world of a wonderful husband who did everything for her, never worked outside the home after marriage, and hence doesn't understand how things have changed so much. Her income is limited, and I am afraid of losing my home and don't know how to tell her this.
As they get older, they have lost so much weight, that their eyes become the biggest part of their bodies.

medical speaking the reason for the wide eyed stare as told by a doctor to me is that the eye muscle starts contracting for sight especially if they are taking medication for instance chemo and this usually starts about 1-2 yrs before death even though they might seem to have perfect vsion the medication makes their eye sight blurred so the person strains the eye muscle to really focus because they see image like looking under water