I found this group 3 years ago when dad passed away, mom began accusing me of stealing from her. That was so surprising to me since I've been very generous toward my folks my whole life, I'm 60, mom 82.
Mom owns a home (40 miles from my town), has 3 acres of land, lots of steps in her home, mom has mobility problems so I bought my parents a nice house 5 miles from my home so I could look after them. Our understanding was they were to take about a year to do repairs to their home, sell it. That was 10 yrs ago, mom still has her broken down house, blaming my dead father it's all his fault he left her with a mess to take care of, but it was her that kept him from hiring people to do work, she's so cheap she didn't want to pay anyone. I've paid the taxes, ins., utilities, upkeep on the house I bought them for over 8 years, 2 years ago I made mom start paying her utilities because she was so nasty to me. She's suppose to pay taxes & ins on this house, but she won't, even tho she has the money, very selfish with me although I've always given her nice gifts, I've supplied 2 cellphones to her, nice foods, I did her shopping, haul her around, do everything for her basically, rarely appreciative.
Mom has never had many friends, didn't want to 'be bothered' by anyone. My dad catered to her every whim but she was always hateful to him even on his dying day. Mom & I have been pretty close over the years, but she's always been a challenge for me to get along with. After my dad passed, she said out loud one day "I don't have a friend in this world" & she's right, except for me and my husband, we helped her a lot. She never made much effort, didn't join in groups or church. Now my concern is the woman that lives across the street in her town has financial problems. She only became very friendly with mom since dad passed. I warned my mom to be careful of this woman & it made her mad. I did some research very recently and found that the woman's husband & son are both felons & been in prison, but are out now. I haven't told my mom yet about the woman because mom got mad at me in March and hasn't spoken to me since then. Mom had hired some men to work on her yard last year and I asked her for their names, checked on them, one of them had been in prison for many different reasons. I told her about it and she got very mad at me, told me to mind my own biz because they were the best workers she's ever had. She's very distrusting toward me although I've never given her one reason my whole life, yet she is surrounded by Felons and trusting them!
When I last saw her in March '17, I'd taken her a burger/fries (which is just about all she will eat), to help put her trash out - she went on a tirade about how it was my fault she didn't have any friends or family that wanted to see her, that I always did things for my dad and never anything for her (not true at all), that I had stolen from her, that I had threatened to throw her out of the house I bought her! and the most amazing thing: She said I'm so afraid she'll get remarried!!! I just laughed when she said that! My mom & dad were unhappily married for 63 years, she never let a day pass when she didn't insult him about everything he did or said. She was a very attractive woman years ago, now she's bent over on a walker, wearing a diaper, seems to have hated men her whole life - where in the world did that thought come from? I've wondered if her new "friend" that lives across the street has tried to introduce mom to a man? I know that I must go talk to my mom & try to work things out with her, it makes me sick to even think about having to deal with her anger. I have one sister that lives in another state, she's only in touch with mom to keep her foot in door to inherit what she can, she would undermine me any way she could to get me out of the picture. She's never given a hoot about our folks. I'm just sick about this, I vacillate between doing the right thing for mom and trying to respect myself & not put up with her anger. She's always been kinda nutty but I do think she's experiencing many symptoms of dementia. She's so distrustful of me, will not allow me to go with her to Dr. apptmts. I took mom to see her attorney after dad passed to check on will, 2 years later she accused me that I took her there to try to get attorney say she was insane! I don't want to be around mom and she doesn't seem to want me, but I don't want this neighbor to get her hooks into mom, could mom be so out of it to really consider remarrying someone? I'm at a loss.
I haven't talked to mom in about 6 months, I have pretty much detached & I had decided to wait for a fall or illness emergency to bring us together, but as time ticks by I get more worried. I have gone to her home and peeked into the window beside her door, I can see the chair she always sits in, I usually do that once a week just to make sure she's alive. I check the mailbox to make sure she's getting her mail. I just keep hoping she will call me, I guess that's too much to ask for. She did this last year, not speaking to me for about 6 months then she texted me asking if I could change her light bulbs and we renewed our relationship (me waiting on her hand & foot). I do worry that if she does have an accident that her 'cash poor' new friend will be contacted to aid in her recovery instead of me. If she had a car wreck would the authorities contact me or her friend? I don't know how that even works. Would they have records or use her cell phone for phone numbers to contact?
My mom has a Jitterbug phone and I get the bill for it, it doesn't list the phone numbers she calls but I see that she's been using up more than her allotted minutes & doubled the monthly charges for the last 3 bills so she's talking to someone quite a bit & I'm really wondering who that is). It's difficult to get into someone's business when they want you out. She parks her cars in the garage so no one ever knows if she's home, that's why I peek into her window! I found myself nosing through her mail lately, I HATE having to do this. I'm an amateur spy these days, but I know it's for her own good. I have been watching a lot of videos on YouTube lately, I'm beginning to get a really good insight into the dementia brain.
I would not seek guatdianship; although it would give you the legal right to determine where she lives and the like, it won't make her any less angry at you.
Could you step away and detach with love? Google that phrase and see if it fits what you want to do.
Stop arguing with her. Google Teepa Snow and use some of her techniques.
You may need to wait for a fall or illness that puts her in the hospital. You can then encourage the discharge staff to find a placement for her.
She doesn't seem to have fear of driving on a busy interstate, she can hardly walk so probably shouldn't be driving.
Sometimes I think she's untrusting of me because she fears I might try to get guardianship of her, that would probably be the death of both of us. She's always been very vocal about not allowing anyone to help her make a decision. If I say up she'll say down just to have her voice heard.
I imagine if there is a man on the horizon - introduced by the "friend" across the street or even these friends themselves - you're probably right that they are looking for a big pay day. Minimizing that threat would be important cuz if mom gifts her assets and then needs nursing home care - there will no Medicaid, not without a struggle at least.
So first - is the home your mother is living in - in your name since you bought it? That ought to keep that safe, if it is. But I think the old homestead can be an issue in it being mortgaged for cash. Besides of course, any other cash and assets your mom has in her name.
While it might prove difficult- it makes sense to make up with your mom - get back into her good graces - get your foot back in the door so you can hopefully get a clear picture of what's going on - attempt to snoop around a little on the sly.
I know how hard this can be on you - with having a mother like yours. Like mine. Scream and rant all the way to and from a visit with mom - but be as sweet as humanly possible in her presence. Do not argue and above all - do not attempt to reason with her. If there is one lesson I've learned from my caregiving years it's - there is no reasoning with dementia!
Barring that action plan - there is always notifying APS - which has the threat and pitfall of mom knowing/suspecting you called them. Plus - unless they see obvious danger or abuse, they may do nothing. After all, legally competent adults are free to make stupid decisions.
You might want to consult with an elder care attorney- but not sure where that would get you unless there is a chance of you gaining guardianship. If you go that route - in order for mom to contest it she would have to submit to a psychiatric evaluation. But if found competent you could be in a bigger mess than it is already.
I guess there are no really good answers or solutions for the situation you find yourself in. It sucks. I feel for you, having had a very difficult mother myself - I know how you feel
I'm so sorry, I know you are going through a lot. Trying your hardest to help your mom but its not easy. Please know its probably her personality and her medical or mental decline contributing to her behaviour. With my dad, I really failed to realize how much dementia was affecting him and how devastating his stroke was.
Are you able to talk to her doctor about her condition? Engage a social worker? Or talk to a counsellor or join a support group? I would even suggest talking to an elder law attorney about the financial aspects. There are lots of resources in the community and through church.
I know others on the site have gone through a similar experience. I hope they can provide more insight about available options.