Why does my Mother become unable to do absolutely anything for herself whenever I'm near?

p.s. - please remember to come back to this post with an update on how you're doing :)

I am so sorry you have had such a hard life. I truly hope you will be able to take some steps forward with the help of the advice offered here. I think you already know what you need to do but it sounds like you're still not quite sure how to go about doing it. I hope you will be able to find help in breaking free of the situation. I suggest buying and fully engaging in a book entitled Toxic Parents (Publisher: Bantam 2003 by Susan Forward), which is available online, if not in stores. There are plenty of other books out there on the same topic (search "toxic parents"), but I can personally recommend Forward's book as a good one. Most of them include a range of topics involving bad parenting, including incest, etc., so just ignore the chapters that don't apply to your own situation. But if you can't seem to put one foot in front of the other, start with this book, at the very least. I got my life back after reading this book and was able to rid myself of an extremely toxic relationship with my step-monster of some 40 years. You can do this!! Some parents are not meant to be parents and we, their children, are not obligated to cater to their every whim for the rest of our lives.Thank God my Mother was the complete opposite of my step-monster. I applaud you for surviving - but now you need to learn how to live, not just survive!

thankyou so much for all your very sincere and helpful responses, it means a lot to me. I'm struggling with knowing what to do for the best as my Mum is unwell with her heart and mobility problems and has been for years but seems to treat me like this and always has since i was a little girl, even when she was working and even when i was at school she had me doing everything for her.she can be sat right next to the kettle for example as ive made her living space more accessible for her needs - with lots of hard work on my part too - yet last night ..this is when I decided it was breaking point and i had to research for some help and support for myself - as she sat by the kettle (which she could easily reach and can make drinks herself) I had already made her a cup of coffee incidentally..i was upstairs doing all her laundry when she was shouting my name over and over again like there was a dia emergency, i ran in to the kitchen - when she complained that the coffee was far too sweet for her and she wanted a cup of tea!! she was sitting right next to the kettle!! This was after me looking after her intensively 24hrs a day with no break whatsoever for 10 days solid after she came out of hospital to help her get back on her feet. It alarmed me as she is fairly mobile despite her arthritis but she can walk about and do tasks for herself and usually goes out and manages to have a busy social life with friends most of the week..so i was really alarmed and it was as if everything in that moment blasted in to perspective and came flooding back from a lifetime of severe manipulation. I spoke to her about how i felt and ended up actually crying myself to sleep because no matter what i do or say i am made to feel guity! I have been clearig out her hoarding mess for almost six months all by myself - i have even told her it is making me feel suicidal and i feel like my life is not worth living anymore with all the pressure she is putting on me with everything..all she says is you'll be fine and just ignores any plea I make to her to understand just to what level of stress and desperation she is putting me through - still at the age of 35 i am suffering terribly because of my mothers severe hoarding, her constant self absorption,her demands and the guilt and painful emotional blackmail she always uses telling me that i'm the only person who can organise her things and help her.I feel like she really couldn't care less about the fact that i am so utterly depressed with all of this and have given up on my own life due to her intense and very selfish ways.I really just dont know what to do. I cannot imagine that if I had a daughter of my own I would ever treat them in such a way :( when i was little i had to share a bed with her and because of her hoarding problem the room was packed high with rubbish to the ceiling and carrier bags full of things all over the bed so there was no room to even sleep - and everything was mouse and rat infested, i had to live like that my whole childhood and im still having to deal with it all now as the heavy guilt she puts on me is unbearable by always mentioning her heart and mobility condition it is just constants 'immense pressure and i can see that she doesn't really care exactly what it is doing tand has done to me over the years at all.I feel like just giving up i dont think i can live like this much more,i just dont know who i am anymore and have no hope left..

Ok, you are No longer lost! You have somehow become aware of what has happened to you. Good first step. Everything you say is true, don't start doubting yourself now.
1) AVOID HER
2) STOP GOING TO HER WITH QUESTIONS ON WHAT's okay to throw away.
She threw away her 'mother knows best card' years ago, or was never issued one.
3) Learn to detach with love, how to, and what that means for you.
4) If you live there, move out or stay with a friend. You have a life now, go to her house only once a week, bring a friend for support.
5) Take action while all this is new, new house, mom you are on your own.
6) Don't lose your nerve, now that you have found yourself.
7) Avoid attaching yourself to someone similar to her in the future.
How are you doing so far?

We moved mom to ALF and left the house untouched for a month. Within two weeks she decided to stay there. That's when we got a 14 cubic yard dumpster and we filled it twice. We never told her what went in there and she did not remember all the hoardings.

Lost - your mother is what's called an emotional manipulator. Emotional manipulators are selfish and demanding. They behave the way they do out of an unhealthy need to control people and have the upper hand in a relationship. Your mother turned you into an "emotional caretaker." Emotional caretakers are vulnerable and even the slightest bit of positive attention from the manipulator makes them feel like all their love and caring is worthwhile.

But you have woken up and realized that you do not like the way you are feeling. And that is a very good thing for you and will be a very bad thing from your mother's perspective. She will lash out at you, get very angry, and disapprove of everything you are trying to accomplish, which is creating your own sense of self and self worth.

You no longer want her approval and validation. And that is a healthy goal! Now you need to learn to let your mother's demands go and letting your mother fulfill her own needs. It sounds like your mother can live independently. Is that correct? If so, go and live your life and use the telephone to check in on her once a week. If she does have legitimate needs like help with the groceries figure out if and when your schedule permits you to help. If she doesn't want to accept your help because it's not on her terms be prepared for that but don't enter into a discussion because no amount of discussion with an emotional manipulator is going to change them.

One more thing with the holidays coming up. Holidays are already stressful and it's okay to limit/minimize/eliminate stress because it's bad for your health. You have permission from the universe to skip the holidays because you need to focus on yourself and your own needs. I wish you lots of luck and come back and let us know how you're doing!

The hardest words I ever had to learn "No, mom, I can't do that" then after the screaming starts "I love you, got to go" and physical remove myself. Or she accuses me of not loving her "I do love you, I have to go now"

your mom has had years of knowing how to manipulate you - anger, guilt, cold shoulder - what ever. Mine would progress from shouting and if that did not work guilt and if that didn't work, could shoulder - for months and months and months.

In my case a counselor was key to getting out of the mess because I usually ended up giving in finally and resenting her for it and hating myself for giving in. Finally wanted the cycle to stop.

Please note - my mom's behavior has not changed. I still get the screaming - guilt - cold shoulder routine. it is just now, I don't take it upon myself to make her feel better. I take it upon myself to decide what I am willing to do, not willing to do, and hold my ground.

"I can't do that" do not get into a discussion!!!!
"I've got to go" when the manipulation starts

Good luck

jeannegibbs is right. You can't expect your mom to change her behavior and we have no control over others behavior. It's up to you to change your own behavior. Set some boundaries and stick to them. It'll be difficult at first since these patterns you described go all the way back to childhood but you're a grownup now and you can choose what you will and will not put up with.

Why?

Not why does your mother do it, but why do you go along with it? She expects it. So what? I can see that she gets something out of her behavior. What do you get out of yours? Do you think if you stay in the living hell long enough she will come to appreciate you and have motherly feelings toward you? Because that isn't going to happen. Not if this behavior has been going on your entire life.

As far as I know, there is absolutely no way you can change her behavior. If you want the living hell to stop, you are going to have to change your behavior.

Are you being treated for the depression? If not, that is the place to start. If you are on drug therapy only, tell your doctor that you need counselling as well. People with depression have a hard time initiating change, so get the depression under control first. You deserve all the strength and support you can get. And here's a hint: you are not going to get it from your mother.

Other people will be along to suggest books about dealing with difficult parents and specifically books and articles about dealing with narcissist mothers.

They will offer stories of their personal experiences.

They will have suggestions for ways to turn the care of your mother over to other resources.

Embrace their offerings. Even if their situations don't exactly match yours, draw strength and courage and hope from them.

If you want things to change, you will have to make the changes. But you don't have to do it alone.