We had been to the grocery, and I had noticed when we were leaving, she did not write down the amount of purchase. I made the mistake just trying to help her not be over drawn in her check book. I said did you write down the amount in your register? That become an issue and she said I was finding fault with her, and I would never do that again. She told me the check was covered I told her about the next ones after that would not be covered. Finally, I just gave up and told her from now on I won't say anything and if I know you're going to be over drawn that will be your problem. I told her I was sorry, and she finally wrote it down and basically in a sarcastic kind of way told me to mind my own business. I felt I had done nothing wrong by asking in a kind concerning way, but she took ultimate offense. Was I in the wrong by asking?
Would something like that be helpful for her?
Oof. That's what got you in trouble. (Also the only thing that would stop the next check from being covered is over spending money, not 'forgetting to note the total in the register' If you are the type to have extra money in the account monthly you can kind of be lazy about exact numbers if you're spending out specific budgets amounts monthly anyway. I live on a detailed budget and all I know about my usual balance is 'the bills I write will be covered cause the numbers were run in advance)
She's the mama. Unless she's always been a bit flippant about checks, balances in accounts etc., That statement is like super patronizing. "What about the next time" is not only saying she did wrong forgetting to write in a register at the grocery and just made a mistake just now (even though we leave with receipts so the amount could be just written down once at home), but you also said she will forget and make a second mistake in the future. So you said "you made a mistake and will make another mistake later and if you don't like the fact I pointed this out, I won't help you if I find that you actually need help later in this subject"
Which is, well, "oof"
I particularly dislike it when my children point out to me what I'm doing "wrong". I have no idea how I've managed to live to 65, have you 2 knuckleheads, and still be able to tie my shoes w/o explicit instructions from YOU!
I still write checks and keep a register, etc. There's no good reason NOT to. I still keep GASP cash on hand too and refuse to pander to companies like PayPal and Venmo. Here's my cash or check. No good? Fine, I go elsewhere.
There's no need for anyone to belittle your mom for doing things HER WAY. Be glad she still does for herself. My mother was the eternal damsel in distress who I had to rescue after dad died. Woman couldn't even WRITE a check, which is how AL rent was paid monthly, btw. 3 checks from 3 separate accounts. In certain cases, such as being a Federal Fiduciary for a VA benefit holder, the ONLY way to pay bills was by writing a check from that particular account. Checks are not as outdated as one may believe.
My mother had a primary care doctor who would never address his concerns with my mother. He would purposely go right over my mother’s head and speak with me like she wasn’t even in the room.
I spoke up and asked him to please address my mother because she was his patient. He made her feel left out and I wasn’t very happy about his behavior. He continued to address me.
Mom would say to me on the ride home that she felt invisible in his office. Unfortunately, many older adults feel as if they have to be loyal to a doctor.
This PCP retired and I found a wonderful new doctor for my mom. She spoke directly to my mother. Mom appreciated not feeling like a child.
If there was something that I needed to say to the doctor, I would. Otherwise, I allowed my mom to retain her dignity.
If old people would check their egos it would make their relationships with their adult children a lot more pleasant.
Mom never forgot to enter a check and balanced her checking acct to the penny every single month for 72 years. It was impressive, really. She had a debit card, but probably never used it. And that was fine.
We tried, once, to get her to use online banking--but she couldn't remember the password to her laptop and then once somebody had reset it, she promptly forgot it. Since she was so careful about her finances, it really wasn't an issue.
YB who was FPOA kept an eye on her checkbook, his name was on there as co-signer and he said he was super amazed that even as she began to lose memory and was slip-sliding in so many other areas, her checkbook was immaculate.
While it was SUPER annoying to take her shopping and have her wait until all her purchases had been totaled and all coupons had been redeemed, she would THEN pull out the checkbook and you could feel the air go out of the people in line behind her, b/c they KNEW it was going to be a "thing". It was what it was.
Don't make her defensive about the way she does things. Unless she's making massive mistakes, then I'd just keep my mouth shut.
It's hard enough to get older, but tp have your kids second guessing all your choices is just miserably depressing. Nothing makes me feel more useless and stupid than one of my kids second guessing a financial decision I've made.
I was Moms POA so had access to her accts. If ur not for Mom, you may want to talk to her about it. Its a tool. It helps you to help her. Tell her with no POA, the State could take over if she ever needed care. No one wants the government telling them what to do.
I was lucky. After my Dad passed Mom had me put on all her utilities to be the one to contact if she did not pay. I was on her bank acct.
No, u were not wrong in asking if that is what she normally does. But now u know not to ask again. There is some decline when we age, it doesn't mean we have a Dementia.
Is your Mom having problems now managing her money? What are you seeing that is scaring you? Are bills not being paid? If THOSE THINGS are right, then you are not wrong to be concerned, and this should be addressed with her.
HOWEVER, my mate never writes down the amounts, as in never. When he comes home he does his online banking and sees what is in his accounts, what checks he is writing, what things are coming out of his account and so on. I never see his online banking and don't need to. He managed a whole office full when he wasn't retired, and did very well in his life, is still competent, and to tell him how to manage his accounts would be entirely intrusive. So there is that.
Is Mom doing a competent job in her life? Needing perhaps some trips to shopping and appointments and etc but otherwise cooking and cleaning and having a life? Is she normally organized in her life and things are all handled well? Then, yes, that was intrusive and you were treating her like she is your child and not your Mom.
I am 80. I am well, on my own, cooking, cleaning, gardening, doing all my accounts and investing and shopping and etc. Making all my own decisions with my partner. And so on. I would be appalled to have my child tell me what I should do with my checkbook. She would be kind of leveled at that point. Quite honestly I would turn to her and say "Are you seeing some signs I am missing that I am failing? Because I have pretty much handled my entire life for 60 years." I would hope that was message enough.
So I guess this is an either you were right or you were wrong and we cannot be the judges of that because we don't know your Mom, don't know what you are seeing, don't know her history, and etc. If you have concerns now is the time to sit down gently over coffee and discuss this; I would start with this: "You know mom, I offended you the other day with my checkbook suggestion. I must apologize. It must have seemed like I was interferring or that I thought you couldn't handle your life anymore." This is where you say EITHER "I know you are doing great and I won't do that again" OR "I am starting to see some things that concern me and I am feeling a need to protect you" and then tell her what those things are and perhaps the two of you can discuss her "affairs". My daughter already knows where POA and everything ELSE is. I have in fact made her a "death book" she has a copy of. It's great. Skeleton head and all on it. It tells her EVERY SINGLE thing she needs to know if I am incapacitated and partner is as well or if I am dead.
Good luck and I at least know your intentions were pure. But don't treat your Mom like a child until you MUST.
Let it go, if a check bounces so be it. it is her money, her life and she must be afraid of losing control of it.
What about a debit card for her? The check writing thing went out 30 years ago, yes, I know some elders still fiddle with them, takes forever for them to complete the process.
Honestly when I have one of those ahead of me, I usually switch lanes, also those who insist on finding 41 cents in change all in pennies and recounting them several times, just to make sure that they are all there, not one penny more.
I am also "Old" yet at 76 I have no patience for either of these things.
Banks need to make check registers larger so us seniors can use them. It wasn't that long ago that I stopped using my check register. I need to start buying business checks which are much larger with larger areas to fill out the information. Now, if only I could find someone at the bank to help me, and not say I can only do that if I have a "business account"...... {sigh]
So in the mean time, since I am computer savy [to a point] I now see my active Bank Statement on-line. Any time I need to write a check, I first check on-line for the balance, and hope there are no uncashed checks waiting in someone's drawer at home.
I remember back in the day when grocery stores only accepted cash or check. Of course, when standing in the grocery line, there was always someone trying to find their checkbook in their purse after everything had been rung. Then looking for a pen. Maybe looking for reading glasses. Writing out the check, handing the check to the cashier along with the grocery check cashing card. Sometimes the store Manager need to see to be called [cashier putting on the overhead light to blinking] to make sure it was ok. Boy, I did a happy dance when grocery stores started using credit cards :)
Obviously, your mom didn’t appreciate it though. Is she always upset about minor issues? Do you think that she was having an ‘off’ day and didn’t really mean to offend you? Everyone has an occasional ‘off’ day where we may wish to be left alone.
My mother was meticulous about her checkbook. She had a fit if it didn’t balance perfectly. Once she told the bank about a 30 cents error! She was a long time customer and they credited her the 30 cents.
I wouldn’t push the issue. She will most likely ask for your help if she needs it
My daughter has a beautiful Siberian husky. He has melted all of our hearts! They are the sweetest dogs.
It sounds like living together might not be the best for either of you. Have you investigated alternate living arrangements?
I haven't written anything down in my check register in 25 years.
Does your mom have overdraft protection? I don't get charged anything extra if I go over the balance in my checking account. Perhaps mom has a similar setup?
Also, I use duplicate checks, so I have a record of the checks I write. Perhaps mom has those?
Is mom's depression being treated adequately? Depressed people are often irritable.
Why is mom living with you?