What do I do with a mother who blames everything on my dad?
I am an only child. My mother has always been a controlling and demanding person so this is nothing new. She likes to control how something happens and gets stressed when things don't go as she planned them to go. My Dad has just seemed to always take whatever she dishes out. There is no physical abuse but to me it is verbal abuse. My parent's just put their home on the market and will be moving two hours to live in an independent/assisted living facility near my home. I was at their home yesterday and everything she said pretty much was something blaming dad for whatever circumstance or little thing...didn't make a phone call, never has enjoyed playing games, he hasn't gone through this stuff....on and on. I am afraid he will get the blame for whatever isn't making her happy once they move into independent living. To my mother's credit she has had about everything go wrong in her life that can...she can have no normal health concern as something more complicated and strange develops. She has been on peritoneal dialysis for about ten years and does all this on her own. She is very bitter and angry. I feel bad for the hand she has been dealt, as does my dad. She is a trooper. My Dad is a good man. They have been married over 50 years and he provided a nice lifestyle for them. He just is not as vocal as her and he cannot do anything right in her eyes. It breaks my heart to see this and it seems to have only gotten worse. My husband commented after we left their home yesterday, that he just doesn't seem to give a sh... about life anymore. Nothing to look forward to.... Help. Advice? I have a hard time not feeling guilty...like I am not doing enough, guilty for feeling the way I do about my mother, etc.
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My advice to you? When you're with them and mom "starts up"? Give dad a secret smile and a massive eye roll. Please practice in the mirror well in advance.
"Hey, mom. After our visit to your house the other day, a thought occurred to me: would you like to have separate quarters at the AL facility, when you move?"
Her reply, "Why in the world would you think THAT?"
"Well, y'know .. sounded like you were pretty unhappy with Dad."
She says, "What??? Oh, pfft .. that's just us talkin'. I get to blow off steam and your Dad just ignores what doesn't matter."
*****
Sometimes, from the outside looking in, we don't SEE.
For you, I'd suggest that you lose the guilt. You did not make your parent's marriage what it is. You did not deal the difficult hand your mother plays. None of this is your fault. Save your energy for helping them settle into their new home. Don't waste it on guilt.