My 90 y/o mother has been recently identified as having a borderline personality disorder. She immediately got into a fight with the doctor that identified her problem and refused to see her again. The family always knew she suffered from some kind of psychological problem since we were young, but being products of 1950s WASP suburbia, nothing was done about it.
She recently had a UTI and refused treatment for 3 months. During that time she became a complete nightmare to anyone who tried to help her. She finally went back, on her own accord, to her previous primary care physician, who is probably the worst doctor I’ve ever encountered (she was going to a great geriatrician for the past year, but she fought with her over everything). The geriatrician is who identified my mother’s mental problem and wanted to put her in therapy and have her on an anti-psychotic medication. She would have anger/crying fits at every office visit.
During the past month she sent out letters to me, my inlays, my childhood friends telling them that I hate her. It was truly mortifying every time I talked with someone and they said they got a ’strange letter’ from my mother.
I’m not sure what to do at this point, as she lives at home, doesn’t drive. She eats cake and sweets all day, her teeth are all rotten, and she refuses to go to the dentist. I was trying to do some estate planning and she sent me a letter accused me of trying to “stick to her as far as it goes” - She refuses to give my sister or me POA, and has turned her house into a complete hoarder mess.
I’m not sure what is possible - it has been ruled out that she does not have dementia.
I have been told by many people just to stay away from her until a major crisis occurs, but I just can’t sit back and wait for this to happen.
Any advice, thoughts would be helpful.
Thanks and have a great weekend.
- Ruggles
Venting helps! That and the passage of time.
I don't know if this will, but I do sometimes see myself as a hamster scuttling round on that sodding wheel for my mother's entertainment. I find it helpful when I need to harden my heart and do the reasonable thing, as opposed to the thing she's asking for or more usually silently expecting. But since I'm sitting here feeling sore having just yelled at her out of sheer frustration (ten minutes before bed, not clever of me) clearly it's not helping enough.
My sister and I own the house she lives in. She’s made it a complete mess, with all the stuff she purchases on QVC. Last month when I was there I found glue traps with dead mice in them in the basement. She claims to not know who put the traps down. The mice are coming in because she throws her trash down the cellar steps and leaves it there until she feels like putting it in the receptacle.
A psychiatrist also suggested the 911 route if she loses control.
I’m going out for a long bike ride to clear my head.
Once she is hospitalized, the docs will probably say that she cannot be released home, and you need to make it clear that you will NOT be bringing her to your home (get sis on board). The hospital's social worker will work much harder to find institutional placement when they see that there is not a willing person to house mom.
If there is not a POA, someone will have to be court appointed guardian if she is incompetent. If there is not a huge estate, you might consider having the state appoint a non-related guardian, so you will not feel responsible for her happiness or lack thereof. Any money left over at the end will be distributed to the heirs as in the will or if there is no will, as set forth by state law. There are quarterly reports on the financials,and the guardian does receive a small fee if it is available. Money well spent!
When someone says they received a strange letter, I sigh and say, "Yes, it's so hard dealing with someone's mental illness." Mthr turned everyone she knew in my hometown against me. When I say this, the light bulb comes on and the other people agreed with me. They all know it in their hearts, but don't want to say it.
I have found great help in the Children of Hoarders group for people who suffered from growing up in hoarded homes. That may not be useful for you, but if the house is hoarded, the medics will see it and report that as well. Condemning the place means that no one can live there until it is cleaned up, but you can still get stuff out. It will also keep her from going home from the hospital.