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She lived an extremely unhealthy sedentary life and now at only 79 she can barely get around. Her home is not elderly friendly at all. The family and dining room drop down from kitchen and are very treacherous. I suggested moving the tv she’s glued to all day into the living room so she doesn’t ever have to risk falling at the drop off. I also suggested we get a small dining table and place it into the living room. She had a fit! Should I just do these things and ignore her? FYI SHE REFUSES TO MOVE TO AN AL.

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May question.
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Well, all kinds of Pros and Cons here .. What little I have to say will be my own experiences . I am living with a man with dementia, it is progressive, as his 24/7 Caregiver . It is the most difficult thing I have ever done . I was totally lost , dazed and confused with NO understanding of what was going on with him … I was angry and was treating him poorly. I started going to a caregivers meeting and it has saved my sanity . His brain is broken and he has Anosagnosia. In his reality , the one HE lives in , there is nothing wrong with him . My job is to keep him safe and comfortable. I also learned, thru the program , that as long as I am doing the best I can with what I have to work with no one can question me and tell me what to do in the situations that come up . If we don’t know If mom is having cognitive/ memory issues its really hard to “suggest “ what would be the correct thing for TwinkleToes to do . I hope there is paper work done in case there is a diagnosis. A POA is very important . It might be worth moving the TV and putting a table in the upper level and it can always be returned if it doesn’t work .. Prayers are with you . Search out a meeting, there is help out there. Check your local Council on Aging.
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If your mother is mentally competent, you should respect her wishes as much as possible and not force thing on her. Would she agree to having a handrail or grab bars on the step downs if there isn't one there? It may be better for her to be moving around, even if it is difficult for her. Does she have a medical alert device to wear, in case she falls? Try to be prepared to help, as needed, if something happens. Keep suggesting things, but if she doesn't agree, don't insist.
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Just do the things to make her home safer despite her protests. My parents balked when I asked to do the same. I did it anyway without saying a word.

No complaints from them and I know they're safer.
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Dear Twinkletoes,
If your mother says she doesn't want the changes - don't do it. She will not use them and continue to do what she has been doing. I am going to assume she lives alone and in a house that she has lived in for quite awhile. So she is set in her ways.
Some people on here are answering, in my opinion, rudely. Saying she will suffer the consequences, etc. Let me just point out that if your mother took care of you for the first 18 years of your life and she was a halfway decent mother then shame on you not repaying the favor of at least being nice to your mother! One person said they live on the opposite coast and only see their parent every 6 months, so why does this adult child get to decide anything for their parent? I don't get it.
Just so everyone knows, I am 70.8 years old and not diagnosed with any memory problems, yet. I live alone, work a part time from home customer service job. I get just enough social security to cover my bills, if I want to feed myself and my dog, I need to work. I wish I could go into a retirement community but I do not have enough income. I have fallen twice in the past year - guess where - outside! And only because I wasn't really paying attention to where I was walking! Neither fall was major. But I have almost fallen tripping on my slippers! So no matter what we do, we may fall anyway!
The guy that said his mother wouldn't use a walker - have you tried to walk with one? If a person gets dizzy that is not going to keep them from falling! It is extremely hard to get around with one, especially stairs! Don't believe me, try it!
And if you want your parent to remember things then do things to help them. I made myself a checklist that I print off the pc every month. It has everything I need to do every day on it and as I do them I check the item off. I did this because I realized that on my non-working days I would forget even my meds to take, or go out without my driver's license (big Oops). They have given me an inhaler to use 2 times a day so in the morning it is on the kitchen table with my checklist then after I use it I put it in the bathroom near my toothbrush so that reminds me to do it at night! Then after I use it at night I put it back on the kitchen table...And then repeat.
So help your parent, don't belittle them. Maybe ask them what you can do to help them. Good Luck!
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PAPADSL May 2023
If you are doing unsafe things like trying to go upstairs with a walker, then it appears that you may need help with your own care. Walkers are definitely not meant for stairs. I put in a stair lift for my mother when she was at home, and it was surprisingly much less expensive than I thought it would be--definitely much less expensive than hospital and follow-up care bills due to a fall. Even if there are no broken bones from a fall, there will be bruising. When older people fall, they are more susceptible to blood clots, which can then lead to strokes and heart attacks.
People who have raised children did so with numerous decisions that were made in the name of safety, good health, good sense, and love. And these decisions were made often against the wishes of the child. Just because someone is an adult, that doesn't mean that they know what they are doing and are taking good care of themselves.
My life is a nightmare right now because my mother did not take proper care of herself. She should have gone to physical therapy after her stroke in her 50's. She did not. She did not ever go to the doctors. She developed a hunchback, and then was popping ibuprofen like it was candy. No doctors. She was getting worse and worse heartburn and was going thru bottle after bottle of otc heartburn remedies, No doctor. She thought that once-a-week bowel movements was normal. No doctors. Well, all of the above proved to be very toxic for her liver and kidneys. And she basically had a hypothyroidism breakdown. The resulting mental fog that ensued was so bad, we thought that she had another stroke, and she was hospitalized. No stroke. My sister made them check it twice. The non-pooping turned out to be from a hiatal hernia, which she then had surgery to fix. If she had simply gone to the doctor years earlier, she might have fixed that years earlier and not toxified herself so much that her thyroid crapped out.
My sister, who still lived in our home town, moved back in with our mother to care for her. The stress was so bad that she literally lost her mind. I then had to remove my mother from her home, and put her into assisted living. She cried when we were wheeling her to the car to leave the house. I have not taken her back to the house for any visits because I don't want to take her back to the home she never wanted to leave in the first place.
My mother, even after her first stroke, did not prepare for anything. No life insurance, no will, no advanced care directive, so I am having to do all of that now, plus a POA, so that I can do everything I need to do for my mother without asking for permission for every single thing.
In addition to my mother, I now have my mentally ill sister to worry about. Do you know what you can do for mentally ill loved ones that don't want mental health care? NOTHING, except watch them destroy themselves and everything around them. I have submitted 4 petitions for an involuntary psych eval pickup and have been denied 4 times, because 'I don't have a clear case for her being a danger to herself and others.' The real reason is that the city doesn't have enough money to care for unensured, unemployable people.
THEREFORE-- ADULT CHILDREN--THE MORAL OF THIS STORY IS--Do what you need to do to properly care for your aging parents. And if their feelings get a little bit hurt in the process while they are getting used to losing their independence, then so be it. Because the bad consequences that can happen if you don't do what needs to be done can snowball very quickly and make your life a living hell. Also, HAVE A PLAN B. My sister taking care of my mother at home was a hasty plan A. That plan fell thru, and now I have an even worse problem to worry about.
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Twinkletoes5981: Perhaps you cannot enact change in someone who is unwilling to do so.
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How about getting an additional TV for the living room ...so she can have the option of which one she wants to view. She may decide it's easier on her own to watch in the living room.

I liked the idea of possible grab bars or something to hold on going down the stairs if possible.

Good luck! I like her spirit, she lets you know want she wants. That's not a bad thing. Just let her know you just are offering ideas and trying to see what she would like.
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faengelm May 2023
You may want to make a Fire TV so that she can easily control it with her voice or you could schedule shows for her using Alexa Routines
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In regards to the dining room drop off, try modest rubber ramps so she does not have to step down.

Just in case she need to hold on to something place the back of a chair within reach.
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My dad was the same way. He finally fell down his stairs and laid there for about 3 days before his neighbors used their key to come in and check on him. He almost died. That’s what it took to finally get him diagnosed and living with me.
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You need to do what is in her best interest and well-being.
Period.

What she wants is secondary - of course, she doesn't want to change. Her reacting / reactions are her trying to assert her independence, and fears, of change. It is understandable although at some point, you need to make decisions.

No 'suggestions.' You do what is needed for her safety.

Are you legally responsible for her? Have these documents in order.

Be understanding, listen to her, reflect her words back to her. Do not argue.

Gena / Touch Matters
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Igloocar May 2023
Touchmatters, you mean very well. I don't know your age or health situation. However, as a 78-year-old single woman, I disagree that safety and (physical) well-being are always or even mostly what is best for someone else. I've lived my entire adult life making deliberate decisions to have the adventures I want to have regardless of whether there is risk involved. That doesn't mean I take thousands of risks, but I pick and choose what I want to be careful about. I have gone hundreds of places alone at night with only a couple of minor bad experiences, and I wouldn't change my adventures for anything.

Similarly, while I've made some safety modifications in my living situations, there are some things that matter to me enough aesthetically that I'd rather keep them in place than change them to a safer arrangement. I do have two excellent healthcare POAs who are mandated in my advance directives to intervene if/when I have dementia and if I'm doing something really crazy. But overall, my independence has been and continues to be more important to me than my safety or physical well-being. I feel fortunate that I don't have anyone in my life who will try to interfere with my chosen way of life!
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Instead of major changes I suggest you think of small things you can gift her that may make life easier for her. Is there room for one of those small portable kitchen islands or a little breakfast nook near the kitchen? What a grab bar near that step down into the sunken family room? I know a lot of people resist grab bars in the bathroom but some of them are not at all institutional looking, in fact they can be quite attractive - I installed several for my mom and although I'm only in my 60's I really miss having them when I'm away. Those bed assist rails and similar chair assist devices can also be handy.
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We left mom to make her own decisions until the first fall and then I stepped in and changed things. I reminded her each visit…you fell and hurt yourself. Personally I would be pretty upset if my daughter [52} made all my decisions {in my 70’s}. When dementia is involved that changes some of this indeed.
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TouchMatters May 2023
And, one doesn't want to wait for that first fall.
This isn't personal to you although we understand how you feel.

The issue is her mother's safety and well-being, regardless of her age.
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When I visit my father every 4-5 months (I live on the opposite coast) he always fights me on doing certain things around the house. So I wait until he is asleep and then do them anyway. I throw away food that I know is past its prime, deep clean his kitchen and bathrooms, reorganize shelves, go through mail and paperwork, and remove tripping hazards. He has dementia and can get quite angry so I pick my battles and do the things that are most important and let the rest go. I fully know that him falling down in his house or outside trying to do yard work is a real possibility. But I look at it this way…what’s worse? Him dying at home in an accident, or dying slowly over years in a MC facility? I know what he would want. Or, because he is so resistant to leaving his house and going into any type of care, him falling down and ending up in the hospital is the opportunity for me to have him placed. He can’t be sent home as he lives alone and I am not moving back to be his 24/7 caregiver. My life is here, not there.

Sometimes I think we protect our loved ones into living longer with a terrible disease that will only get worse over time, as opposed to letting them live they way they want but lose them sooner. My two cents.
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betskand May 2023
I could not agree more with your last paragraph. Modern medicine forces people to live longer with nightmare conditions than humans should. When I was a kid people died more normally -- average male death, 67; average female death, 72. When a person died at those ages they were considered to have had "good long lives." One way a lot of people went (including my father) was "the old person's friend" -- a very fast pneumonia. My father (who was in constant pain and essentially immobile) got sick, went into kind of a coma on the second day, and died unconscious on the third day. Now the instinct would be to rush him to the hospital, pump him full of antibiotics, use every machine available to stabilize heart condition, and finally send him home -- possibly with dementia, frequently physically handicapped and needing constant care...and they can go on that way for YEARS. Meanwhile the life of the caretaker and family is being destroyed and they may go bankrupt.

At some point when my hubby came home from the hospital he became aware that his bed had been moved downstairs and everything arranged so that he couldn't leave the ground floor. When he started to walk he immediately wanted to go upstairs. One son put one of those doggy gates at the bottom of the stairs. Finally when hubby was pretty stable I removed the gate, because he wanted so badly to go upstairs -- there was no real point to it, but it made him happy and he felt freer. As it happened, no accidents occurred, but I (and our doctor kind of agreed!) felt that if he, at 93 and with dementia, fell down the stairs and broke his neck or injured himself seriously enough to hasten death...that would not necessarily be bad, better than living to 100 with full dementia. I myself would instantly fly to Zürich if I found myself in the beginning of these conditions and was able to get on a plane.

Main point: maybe it isn't necessary to make everything absolutely and completely safe, especially if the LO doesn't want things that way. Do the sensible things (no cords running across open floors, grab bars in bathroom) but don't force the person into a constant power battle, sensible as it may be, over safety measures that the person doesn't want.
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I know it is frustrating. However, it is her house, and it sounds like she is intact cognitively. If she reuses, explain to her that if she falls and injures herself, odds are she won't be able.to return home, and that you'd like to make the changes so she can stay in her home as long as possible. Then let it go. Eventually she will fall and injure herself. At that point, she will have to go to rehab and may or may not be able to return to her home, depending on her ability to recover. If not, she is going to be discharged to the nursing home that has the first available bed, not one that she was able to participate in choosing. Because she is mentally intact, she's almost certainly aware of this, but her desire to leave her home the way it is supercedes her desire for safety. It's a bad decision on her part, but it is her bad decision to make. Don't allow it to worry you or obsess over it. Simply accept it and move on. Enjoy your life and visit mom as you would regularly, don't dote and fret over her because she wont make the changes you feel are necessary. I wish someone had given me this exact advice when I was in this situation.
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Grab bars are something they can't move once you put them in. We have found that some people will accept helpful aids and some pitch a fit about any change. You haven't mentioned her cognitive status that I could find. That might have a lot to do with her ability to adapt to change. Favorite grandchildren are also a thing you can use! My daughter was able to convince my MIL to let her trim her really scraggly hair while I had been trying to do that for a year without success. Finding the people she will listen to is a key.
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My sis just retired as a home health visiting PT for seniors. Our mom is 100 now. My sis says even the slightest change can be difficult for someone. She knows every square inch and has already adjusted for those pitfalls. Balance and strengthening of the ankles and foot massages are important. Good nonslip socks and slip-ons are good. A grab bar strategically placed. All good. No matter how decrepit, she can always improve agility. Can she get Medicare PT to come in and help? Bob and Brad.com are physical therapists with tons of good you tube videos on exercises for seniors' many issues (everyone, take note). If you are going to make any changes, give the tutorial support necessary to adapt and learn any changes in a positive way (I like the suggestion above, "look mom, I got you another TV, do you like it?"). We put a second (smart) tv in mom's room, too. If you get a new TV though, she will have to possibly learn a new remote control. The devil is in the details and your prep work.
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97yroldmom May 2023
I love the Bob and Brad guys. Had forgotten about them.
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I had similar issues with mine , handrail for a flight of steps, stove and of all things a kerosene heater. It was a No, you can’t do that, reasoning is difficult as they do not understand why the change is necessary. Change itself causes them great distress. With the encouragement from her caregiver I finally got her to agree to the rail,( if you do not like it we will remove it) she loves it.
same with the heaters, she adored the electric heaters, her bill was not a great deal more and the temperature was adjustable to her liking. The stove and the car still come up, not as often as before.
so baby steps, reassure her you will put it all back if she doesn’t find it easier after a bit.
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I think you have to pick your battles or let Mom pick them by default. POA allows you to act as directed by Mom and DPOA or Jumping POA allows you to act in her best interest when she is no longer competent to make her own decisions not simply go into her home (unless maybe it’s your home and she’s living with you) and make changes she hasn’t agreed to for her own good. I would urge you not to push these things too much because you need Mom to trust you and confide in you when she does need help. As her chosen POA you need to respect her decisions perhaps even more than the LO’s around her who don’t have the responsibility to carry out her wishes. It is never easy to watch someone you love make mistakes or risk their health and well being but it’s also the most respectful thing you can do sometimes. In this situation it sounds to me like you will have to keep a slightly closer eye on your mom with at least daily check ins in case the major fall happens but you will have to let it happen. Who knows maybe once you back off Mom will ask you to help her try a new arrangement. Hopefully if it’s a result of a scare she will tell you about that too but honesty becomes less likely if you are pushing your agenda and not hearing her out. This is what I have learned anyway when it comes to my mom.
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Your Mom is still grappling with losing her independence. If I had waited for my mother to approve any of my suggestions I'd still be waiting. I've bought better lighting, cameras, Amazon Echo, clocks that alarm for medication, a bed rail, bathroom bars, removed area rugs & threshold saddles - the list goes on.
One suggestion would be, don't ask first! " Look what I got you Mom - a new TV for the living room! Isn't this great!? " "No? Ok just try it out for a couple of weeks and let's see"....
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Animallovers May 2023
My mother rejected suggestions as well but I started with a few things like giving her a large tv for the wall in the living room for Christmas one year. She had been watching tv in a small, very cluttered study since it wasn’t wall mounted. She liked the idea of a larger set but wanted a painting there instead. We used the approach of “if you don’t like it we will have it moved” (though the installation was complex enough that I doubt we could). She now loves having it there. We have also been installing grab bars. I started with one on her tub. Now she can no longer get out of the tub even with them so she uses the shower. She has asked for more to be put in for use there. She had problems using a built in microwave because it was too high for her to reach. That meant that she used the stove more and would forget to turn it off. We got a counter top microwave for her even though she complained about it taking up counter space. She now uses it instead of the stove. We have a list of other things we plan to do eventually, one at a time so no change is overwhelming. Usually once she realizes that the little changes make life easier she tends to appreciate them and has been more open to our ideas. She has also started coming up with her own ideas. To try to do all at once would overwhelm and upset her. So far slow but steady is working with my mother!
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it sounds like she is happy with things the way they are.

Maybe you don’t feel she is living her best life, but maybe she is.
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Sometimes you have to let the train wreck.
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I am living it too. Mom was 84 and lived 6 hours away from us in a big home by herself with no friends or family. I had also feared my mother but knew we had to do something and prayed through it. She eventually fell and broke her leg, went through rehab where they determined she had advancing dementia.

God paved the way and we watched as He helped me and my husband to make the best decisions we could decisions on her behalf for her health and well-being that she could not make.

It eventually required flying her from rehab to our home area has been and continues to be a very difficult but rewarding journey through the progression of her dementia.

Mom is now in an AL only 3 miles away where she is doing fairly well and we are getting to see her every day now. She is still adjusting but has accepted what is.

Make sure you have POA and the required financial/legal paperwork signed and in place ASAP so that you will have authority to make and implement decisions and do for her on her behalf whst she is not able to do for herself.

Research and network heavily to find the best AL place you can and get her as close to where you live as possible. This is the single most and best advice we have gotten and has proved to be the reason we are able to be there for her more often and as needed.

God bless you. 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
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Respecting a person's right to live as they see fit is something we owe our loved ones, imo. If one of my children came into my home and rearranged it for "my own good" to stop me from falling, which is kind of laughable, I'd have a fit and get everything back to the way it was in short order.

My mother fell 95x living in a very safe AL and then Memory Care Assisted Living environment with caregivers propping her up 24/7. Even while in a wheelchair. Which proves the point an unstable/poorly balanced elder WILL fall no matter what precautions are taken!

Dad had a walker he refused to use in IL and fell one morning on his way to the bathroom. Broke his hip and gashed his eye open. After failing rehab, he was forced to move into Assisted Living with mom bc he was no longer capable of living independently. That's what happens to elders who ARE no longer capable of living independently: they wind up having an accident where they're forced into managed care or to hire caregivers in home.

Stripping them of their independence is not something we children can force. We can only suggest changes be made to help keep them safe and then it's up to THEM to take heed or ignore the advice. And to suffer or enjoy the subsequent consequences.
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Here’s the thing. If someone is set in their ways, they don’t want to change. Sometimes, it’s just not worth the fight. It becomes too exhausting!

My mom would play solitaire everyday at the table.

I have a corner window seat dining area off of my kitchen that gets tons of natural sunlight. I like to make jewelry at the table because of the great lighting in this part of my home.

I would lay out my jewelry supplies on the table and start on my project. Everyday. mom inevitably would sit down exactly where I had all of my supplies laid out and push them over to the other side of the table, sometimes even losing gemstones, and the silver or gold clasps for my project which aren’t cheap!

My living area is huge and I decided to place a small table for two where mom could play solitaire and not disturb my jewelry pieces that I was working on at my window seat dining area.

Without fail, mom sat at my table and played her game. I ended up setting up a design space in a spare bedroom for my jewelry making. I bought a lamp to place on the table to be able to work.

My mother had a stubborn streak at times!
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Dh has spent the last 2 days of his 24/7 'shift' with his mother installing grab bars all over the house.

Because she WILL NOT use a walker--that makes her look 'old'.

He has fought her on this, stating emphatically that putting grab bars all around the house was simply propping her up in her feeling that she is still 'independent' which she most assuredly IS NOT. He told her (years ago) he would find a NH before he'd turn her home into one.

Well--she got her way and now she has grab bars all around the perimeter of where she creeps around. I guess it's better than her continually grabbing at & breaking towel racks, TP dispensers and the fridge handles. Dh lost the battle on that one.

She moves between her bedroom, to the bathroom and then into the kitchen/TV area. She sits in front of the TV and is isn't even on. Just sits and dozes. Then it's reversed and she goes back to bed.

NOTHING can be changed. One of my girls brought her flowers last week when she went for a short visit. MIL had her put them outside, out of her view. There can be NOTHING on the table nor countertops and it's driving her nuts that Hospice delivered her weeks meds and they are on the countertop and she wants them out of site.

Fight the battles you can win.
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No, you don't just do it. This is your moms home. She is used to having things the way she likes it. My daughter moved in with us for a short time and proceeded to change my pantry around. She thought it needed organization. It was organized, for me to find what I needed right away. I could find nothing and changed it back. I am 73 and you do not change things in my house.

Is there a way to have some type of railing put where the step down is. Just something she can hold on to. Maybe you can get Office of Aging to come in and suggest some safety measures so she can stay in her home. Maybe that step down and be brought up to the floor level to the rest of the house. Then Mom can still watch her TV in the family room.
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NeedHelpWithMom May 2023
The railing is a good idea! My brother’s house has a step down and I am not used to it. I can’t tell you how many times I have almost fallen in his home.
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What I did was not rearrange my Mom's home, because aesthetically she likes it a certain way and I get that. But I bought her a walker, and placed grab bars. She was furniture walking (when you grab onto furniture to walk in the house; very unsafe). She wanted the grab bars. She was against the walker. I bought her two walkers anyway: indoors and outdoors. Turned out to be very useful.

OP, your Mom might need in-home caregivers, even with safety measures. Tell her "better now than too late".
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However many good interim solutions you may be given here, the fact is that once an LO in your care actually begins to show sign of physically risky behavior, that person for all intents and purposes forfeits their right to “refuse”, and you carefully read your POA document to see when and how you will need and be able to invoke it.

I’ve been in this position more times than I would have preferred, and this “phase” of caregiving is, in my opinion, by far the hardest, especially when you truly love and admire and respect the person for whom you are caring.

Be vigilant, look for bruises/broken objects/other signs of stresses in the home and on LO herself, and develop a flexible but firm perspective.

There is no easy, pleasant, comfortable “right” way to do this, but if you can keep a sense of balance for her care and your role in her life, you can hopefully stay on the right side.
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I found I had to sort the safety issues. Small ones like leaving items around to trip, a small warning. Larger like rugs, furniture, grab rails, mobility aides - help arrange an OT for professional advce. I've resorted to informing Dr, (other professionals) of other unsafe areas like poor hygiene & poor nutrition in order to try for better solutions.

You may find you need to make suggestions about the TV multiple times. Eventually Mom may proudly announce "I've decided to move my TV". Or she will fall, & after that she will decide.

Advice, let them decide, consequences are theirs.

(A Social Worker told me this. I've got better with practice).
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AngelfromTheBay May 2023
I have to agree with you. Let them decide, consequences are theirs. My strong-willed 81 yr old narcissistic, controlling mother will not take any of my advice, because she still thinks I'm a teenager. She doesn't see nor respects me as a grown adult man, anymore. As she continues to decline I am treated worse.
It said on her medical report Brain Atrophy, she was in a car accident and got T-boned, she head her head enough to get a headache, but did not get injured. I am her only child, and only family member, besides my wife here in our city.

She is obese and very unstable (wobbly) gets dizzy (broken ear drum). Either she can't remember to use a cane or it makes her look "old" but has fallen multiple times, in multiple places. I think being overweight has padded the falls. I have printed out a sign to Remind her keyes, cane, wallet.

When she had a car she would go to and from her storage to retrieve small boxes and had them all over the living room in a very unsafe manner. She said she was "looking for something" and had to go through her boxes to find it.

It turns out she did this for many years as a pastime, yet she complained that she had a mess. I would go help clean it up stack boxes neatly in a corner, date them and two days later it would look the same.

I figured she was losing her memory and every time she would open a new box it was like Christmas day, oh look I forgot I had these and she would repeat the process of Sorting the items all over the floors, tables, chairs again. So I brought her some waist-high folding tables so she could to do.

Her living looked like her Storage space on her recliner and t.v. were there. I got tired of playing warehouse man so I no longer said anything regarding Safety. I did remind her in a gentle way that it would be a good idea to "Leave a path" so she could walk. She fell a couple of times and got bruised, but no broken bones.

It's her life, but I don't have to be in it all the time. I don't "worry" about her safety anymore. These are her choices even if they make no sense to me. She has always been an independent woman and relied on No One.

What Emma wants, Emma gets and it's always been her way or the highway, the only thing different now is she is older, slower and meaner.

I called to remind her to pay her rent or she would be charged $100.00 late fee in her new apartment, new because she got evicted from the Independent Senior living apartments (bad attitude) but that's another story.

She told me she knew what she was doing and for me to get off her back and stay out of her life! Mind you I stay totally aware of the vocabulary I use and my tone of voice when I speak to her
(She's a Narc I'm trained not to upset her).

It's never demanding or demeaning. "It's just a friendly reminder Mom". When she told me to stay out of her life I replied, "Ok, I will" in a very compling voice, no sarcasm. (I'm just a boy doing what his mama's telling him to do).

She has plenty of people to advocate for her. They are all professionals from various organizations. She also has a therapist/s to speak to. Emma knows how to get what Emma wants/needs.

I have to "learn" to let the consequences happen to her, unfortunately, it's not easy for me. I just hope she remembers to pay her rent and doesn't get evicted from this new place because she blew it at the Senior independent luxury living place. They cater to seniors, but not if the staff continues to get verbally abused.

We can't help those who resist our help, even if we hold them in their best interest. It's their choice, their consequences. The poster is correct.
Angel from The Bay
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Your brother spends the night there every night, correct? And there is a caregiver there from 8 a.m. - 5 p.m. I think you're asking for trouble if you move things around when he isn't there.

What do you do for your mother when you visit 2x/week from an hour away?

Also, you state you are one of 4 siblings. Yet you've mentioned 2 brothers -- is there another sibling?
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