He has reached out to her PCP about his concerns, but was brushed off. Since my mom is in seemingly good health otherwise and is pleasant to the doctor and staff, it’s like they don’t believe my dad. He is miserable. He/we need guidance on what to do.
Fist perhaps he could seek counseling through senior supports as to how to learn ways to respond/not respond if it is bossying. I found the best to do was turn my back and walk out of the room. Is he willing o do this? or learn other strategies?
Perhaps reframing the behavior to the doctor-
she is anxious and raises her voice when.....
She is easily upset and wants me to ......when.....
Perhaps dr will then prescribe an anxiety med or something for her?
The PCP wants a poke in the eye. No report of verbal abuse should ever just be "brushed off." Do you think your father was clear enough about what's happening?
The first thing to check is of course whether any health reason is causing your mother’s behavior. Assuming that she gets a clear bill of health from the doctor who can’t see her bad behavior, you need to move on to why? One answer might be that when she was ill last year, she was waited on hand and foot for a while, and is angry if it isn’t continuing. This does happen. Or the illness made her think about her own end of life, she feels angry because your father’s health is better than hers, and she is not controlling her behavior. Or just that she enjoys projecting her anger onto him (and you?), and she has no reason to stop.
If it’s just behavior, the doctor can do very little. A doctor is not going to drug your mother to sedate her, and tone down the behavior that way, particularly if she is as nice as pie to the doctor. The only way to change the behavior is stop mother getting no push-back, and stop it being something she can enjoy. I’m sure that you and your father would prefer not to yell or do any of the other nasty things I suggested, but this explanation may help you to see why it may be the best way to change things. And changing things for the better would be the best outcome for everyone.
We have many posts where someone looks for a magic solution from a doctor or a lawyer, but where they really need to act themselves. I hope that this post makes a bit more sense than the last.
I have a friend whose elderly parents separated. They get together frequently, but are living with their children in different homes. The civility and appreciation for one another has improved.
Alternativey, your mom may be suffering from depression. You indicate that’s she was always difficult, but if she has gotten worse, things may be getting worse for her. A geriatric psychiatrist may be the best doctor to consult since the PCP didn’t respond. Her mood may worsen if untreated.
Sedation is suggested here, too: if she's willing to take the meds, that might be a good place to start for your relationship.
My wife was at home, in Hospice care for two years. That service was free; intended for those that are dying, perhaps in 6mo but renews over and over. Point is the meds are free, Dr prescribed, nurse visits, administers and leaves the instructions with you to use a coffee grinder to powderize them for mixing with drink or food so she doesn’t object. It’s an anti-anxiety, calming drug that you will be very grateful for. She will be non combative, and you can tell her reassuring things if you deem it helpful: here’s a new medicine to help you feel better. We love you so much, and so, we want you to try this. In a few days I’m going to ask you if it’s helping you, because that’s why we’re giving it to you.
Consider her mental state overall.
Her doctor needs to be consulted and told about her condition. He or she will sign authorization, or not.
Hospice care at home is definitely the number one choice for her ongoing care when she qualifies.
Talk to her Dr about signing a Durable Power of Attorney form, for Medical treatment/ decisions about her care going forward.
Best wishes.
Your profile says they live with you, and that your mother has Alzheimer's /dementia. Then, in your comments you say she has NOT been diagnosed with Alzheimer's /dementia. I can't help but wonder the legitimacy of this post. It certainly should be easy to take a video as proof.
I am caring for my mother Mary, who is 73 years old, living at home with alzheimer's / dementia.
In your profile you say your mother suffers from Alz/dementia, then go on to say she does NOT suffer from dementia in your comments.
The behavior your mom exhibits towards your father is a matter between them and not something her PCP can or would handle. If dementia was truly an issue, then it would be a valid issue to discuss with her doctor.
Displaying ugly, passive-aggressive behavior towards your father is something HE is going to have to put the kabosh on. Nobody else can fix their marital issues unless they seek the help of a marriage counselor. If your father is miserable, its up to HIM to look for ways to fix the issues via counseling or divorce.
My father put up with abusive treatment from my mother for the entirety of their 68 year marriage. If he was so miserable, HE should have ended that marriage! Instead, he allowed my mother to wreak havoc on the entire household. I used to feel sorry for him, till I realized he condoned the whole dysfunctional relationship.
Best of luck
As far as the dr being involved--if your mom does not want to address this, then there is really nothing you can do. Maybe dad just needs to walk out on this.
My inlaws had the most horrid, toxic marriage I've ever personally witnessed and it was a BLESSING to see them split up after 42! years of hatred and anger.
It sure made it hard for my DH to know how to be a loving, kind husband. Everything he saw about marriage was hell. He said he married me out of 'hope' that I would not be like his mom. And I'm not, but he still has walls up around him, to protect his ego and his heart. Isn't that sad?
I NEVER saw of heard my MIL speak to my FIL with anything other than an undercurrent of vitriol. Now she's all alone and just as mean as a snake. And wonders why nobody ever comes to see her.
You should record her. Then play it for the doctor in front of her but, the doctor can't or won't care about an ugly marriage dynamic, unless it is caused by a medical condition and that might be your real issue.
I ask because your dad and you could tell her that he is happy to get a divorce if he makes her as miserable as she acts. People treat us how we allow them to. Maybe she needs a jolt of the consequences she is facing if she doesn't stop being awful to him.
She’s very Jekyll/Hyde. She’s mostly pleasant with anyone BUT my dad, but when it’s just them at home, she’s belittling, spewing every insult there is toward him. My dad wants to record her rants and vitriol so the dr can hear what’s going on.
I hate this so much, I never thought their later years would look like this.
In all truth the only options I can see are the same as they have always been, leave Mom and divorce this woman who has "always had a difficult personality" or stay. Mom is not going to change whether her doctor speaks to her, you speak to her or your Dad speaks to her.
Another option would be to go into an ALF. I found the men in my brother's enjoyed their time and one another's company.
I wish you luck, but Dad's options are pretty much what they have always been and Mom is pretty much who she always was.
Glad to have you on Forum; hope you'll update us with any solutions you might find.
Will she go to counciling?
Is anyone your mom's Medical PoA? This person now needs to step up and deal with this issue, not your dad if he isn't her MPoA or MR. If your mom doesn't have anyone in these positions, then it is another problem in addition.
Please provide more information so the forum can give you the best guidance.
Was she diagnosed with Alzheimer or dementia?
I ask because that is a game changer, especially depending on what type she has.
If you have seen this behavior, you should advocate with dad at the next doctors visit. Tell them exactly, not generalized, instances of her behavior, right in front of her. This should get the doctor to consider alternative treatment and if it doesn't, find a doctor that has experience dealing with her diagnosis. I recommend a geriatric doctor but, I think they are not always easy to find.
I would be telling that doctor that you don't want your dad to become a statistic because your mom can showtime and they need to help or make a referral to a doctor that can.
Best of luck. This is such a challenge for families to navigate.