I took care of my mother 3 years ago and took two months off of work, losing pay, to do so. She does not take care of herself and does not listen to anyone, she is very headstrong . It ruined our relationship to the point where I don't call as often or go visit for fear that I will be sucked into something. My father is 70 and should be retired, but he is very energetic and runs a business that is busy during the summer. This means that he has to go out of town. My mother wasn't expected to survive a hospital stay in May after they took her off a vent. Surprisingly, she did okay and went home under hospice care, having recently been released from hospice care and on her way to "getting better." She says what the doctors want to hear during her appointments and acts like she has it all together, but then gets home and doesn't do anything to better herself. Now my father is going out of town for work and he is asking my aunt and myself to spend the night at his house with my mother just in case. My response was that if he didn't feel confident leaving her he shouldn't be leaving town. He didn't answer that comment and instead tried to say how great she was doing, and how mom may not even need someone with her in the next 10 days when he leaves town. So he asked if I could stay one night and if my aunt could stay another. I told him he wasn't giving me a choice, even after I told him two months ago that I was not going to be her caretaker again. I have numerous health issues myself, and it angers me to see her not taking care of herself and constantly being catered to. I try day in and day out to better myself and work 40 hours a week while Mom gets to sit home and do nothing. I'm sure it's a miserable life, but at the same time she does nothing to better her health. She is a queen and is used to everyone catering to her and I can't be that person as I'm getting up in years myself.
If he gets upset tough, he doesn't want to change anything for his wife, hes the one that promised to love and protect through sickness and health, time he honor that promise and stop trying to make others responsible.
I have a difficult time helping anyone that won't do all they can to be as well as possible. It's completely unfair to ask others to care more about you than you do.
I would not explain anything to either of them. No is a complete sentence and you are a grown woman that is entitled to her own decisions and choices.
You say if your father isn't confident your mother will be okay, he shouldn't be leaving town; and you are right. Not without putting a reliable, proper care structure in place, he shouldn't, anyway. Roping in family members here and there for the odd night is not a proper care structure, it's a seat of the pants job.
So never mind whether you or your aunt happen to be free that day, happen to be around, happen to be willing to be cajoled into it. This is about your father's taking responsibility for planning his wife's care before he goes off on his jaunts.
Good for him for keeping busy! Good for him for maintaining his individual life alongside caregiving, and being prepared to delegate. Those are all good. Just one more thing: he needs to delegate to appropriate people, and you ain't them.
Learn to establish healthy boundaries. Telling your father to hire help for *his* business trip might be a good start. Is your dad paying you to stay with your mom while he goes off earning money?
WHAT have YOU got to feel guilty about???
You, and maybe Aunt can back u up. need to tell Dad , this is ur last time. You have already taken care of a DH with no ones help. You had to change ur lifestyle to accomadate ur husbands illness. Your Dad will need to change his lifestyle for his Wife. He, like u, took vows. In sickness and in health. Mom is his responsibilty. You have to work for your future. He has had his "future". He cannot rely on u for everything. He needs to set up care in the future.
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