The main reason we put my mother-in-law in an Assisted Living Facility, was because she refused to shower (and brush her teeth) and fought against it every day! She has dementia and my husband legally makes her financial and medical decisions. We tried paying help at home, but she would just yell…..this is my house and I will do only what I want to do . She would stink horribly and had horrible bad breath! Before we signed the papers at the Assisted Living Facility, we were assured their employees are trained to handle dementia people, and showering/brushing teeth would not be a problem. But now, we get told every time, that they legally cannot force a person to do these two things if they do not want to. Our argument is …… SHE HAS DEMENTIA!!! We are to the point of believing….they don’t even try. They just ask her ….do you want to shower? Of course, that approach isn’t going to work. She says no to any question. Several non dementia residents (only there for physical problem, not mental) have confirmed, this facility takes advantage of dementia residents.
What can we did to stop this problem? We are paying a lot of money for care that she is not getting.
What I found when Mom was in an AL they "asked Mom" and of course it was no. I told them don't ask just do it. I never asked Mom if she wanted a shower. I just took her to the shower. They become like children.
Be aware that aides only have so much time they can give to a resident. If they can't get them to cooperate, then they have to move on to the next resident.
I too think an AL is not enough for Mom. Memory Care may be better or even Long-term care.
My mother was petrified of slipping in the shower at her Memory Care ALF. So I bought her a pair of water shoes on Amazon, the type you wear in the ocean. That did the trick. Oftentimes, elders with dementia have some sort of fear of the shower and it's helpful to see if you can find out what your MILs is.
Best of luck to you.
You Mom is too severely ill to be in ALF. When ALF tries to care for someone with such severe dementia in ALF they are not only taxing their own staffing levels but they are making things very difficult for residents of the facility who, while they may have some level of dementia, are cooperative and clean and companionable with other residents.
This is terribly sad, because costs of care go up exponentially with these needs.
I can't know what has been discussed between Mom's doc and the POA in this case, but it may be time to try to get on board some low level anti-depressants that may help in a last ditch efford to avoid MC or Nursing Home care.
I do remember the different meds that were necessary to relieve anxiety and help him feel comfortable but it was a struggle in the mix of getting it right. I'd talk to the directors again to assess if this is the right spot for her or if you need to adjust meds or levels of care.
Im so sorry. This is hard.
If your husband hasn't discussed meds for anxiety, depression and agitation with her doctor he shoud do this. Dementia robs people of their ability to use logic, reason and good judgment and therefore can no longer bring themselves to places of peace and acceptance: they know something is wrong with them but they can't figure it out or fix it. It's very distressing. So, it is merciful to help them achieve a more calm mental and emotional state through medication. It may take a while to figure out which ones and what dosages but it is usually very helpful.
If she accepts taking meds and a good mix is found, then she may be more cooperative with other things. If not, she may be a candidate for MC.
Also, please educate yourselve about dementia: what is is and how it will progressively change our LOs. I learned a lot from watching Teepa Snow videos on YouTube. You'll find out different strategies to engage in more peaceful and productive ways with your MIL. I wish you much success in finding the right level of care for her.