My 86-year-old MIL lives with us and she refuses to wear depends. We're constantly having the carpet cleaned and there is fecal matter in the washer! What can we do?

My heart goes out to you. I was in much the same boat as you up until 3 months ago. I put up with the same "crap" from my mother for over three years. I love my mother dearly, but she had little regard for what she was doing to my family or my sanity. I took care of her pretty much from 14 years old on. I am now 54. Without getting into a long story, she is now in a skilled nursing facility and I am in the process of regaining my life. To hell with the deathbed promise your husband made to his father. I bet if he had to do the cleaning up & caregiving to the extent that you are doing, he'd change his tune. You must stand up for yourself & find an ALF for your MIL before this situation ruins your sanity. I will pray for you.

As someone who uses cloth diapers for a little one, there should not be a problem with "fecal matter" building up in the wash machine. With our washing machines today and the neat cloth diapers invented by stay-at-home-moms, cloth diapering today is not what it was years ago (and breastfed babies poop is easier wash out than formula fed babies.) With that said, here are some suggestions based on my experience of cloth diapering and taking care of my elderly terminally ill mom.

Make sure you put as much solids in the toilet as possible before laundering. Even the more liquid or softer solids should wash out and be carried with the waste water to be appropriately processed by the water treatment plant. (As far as disposable diapers... you are still supposed to put solids in the toilet before putting the diapers into the garbage.)

Soak the clothes in the wash machine for a couple of hours or so in a solution of laundry detergent, baking soda, and a few drops of tea tree oil in cold water and vinegar in the place of fabric softener. Complete this wash, then do a second wash as directed on the clothing label preferably warm. If you are still concerned after the wash is drying, then wash the laundry tub with bleach (no clothes).

Good luck.

I was going through the same situation with my 89 year old Mom, but finally I just got rid of all her underpants and put the depends in place of them. It has made my life so much easier by not having to deal with the soiled underwear and mess, especially on laundry day. My Mom didn't want to do that either, but sometimes as care givers, we need to think of ways to make life easier on all of us. Hope this helps some.

Well its your home for goodness sake!
I would do what dragonfly says,sit her down,explain firmly and kindly that it is not acceptable to do this to your house,Has she got dementia?
Maybe just ask her to try them out,why wont she wear them?
The elderly can get very stubborn,bless.
You deserve a medal!
But seriously,be firm,ignore the tears,get her the stuff,and insist she wears them,she will soon get in the swing of it,afterall it cant be nice for her?
Good luck.

If it were MY Mother, she would be given an ultimatum.....either she wears some kind of incontinence briefs or she goes to assisted living. It is a major HEALTH issue for your entire family to have urine and feces laying around. If she is concerned about "embarrassment," tell her it is far more embarrassing to have her urine & feces falling out than it would be to discreetly wear a Depends or similar product. Nobody has to know that she wears Depends......but everyone SURELY knows that she is being incontinent all over the house. She is not thinking of your family at all....she is being selfish.