Mother-in-law with dementia is talking down to us and accusing us of untrue things. Any advice?

This behavior is typical dementia behavior and should not be considered 'harassment', but just part and parcel of the condition of dementia or the disease of Alzheimer's. If/when it becomes too much for you to handle at home, your MIL needs to be placed in a Memory Care ALF if she has the funds to self pay, or in Skilled Nursing under Medicaid if she does not.

In the meanwhile, educate yourself about dementia/ALZ. I suggest you read this 33 page booklet (a free download) which has THE best information ever about managing dementia and what to expect with an elder who's been diagnosed with it. 

Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller 
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580

Here is a list of useful tips from her e-book I found to be excellent:

The “Dont's”
· Do not reason and argue
· Do not demand that they reason or problem-solve
· Do not demand that they remember
· Do not demand that they get their facts straight
· Do not correct their ideas or scold them
· Do not reorient them
· Do not think that they are being uncooperative on purpose
· Do not think that they really do remember, but are pretending not to
· Do not use a “bossy” dictatorial attitude in care
· Do not act with impatience

The Do's
· Enter into their frame of reality, or their 'world'
· Be aware of their mood or state of mind
· Use few words and simple phrases
· OR use no words, just friendly gestures and simple motions
· Do everything slowly
· Approach from the front
· Wait for a slow response
· Constantly reassure them that everything is 'OK'
· Keep people with dementia comfortable 'in the moment' - every moment
· Maximize use of remaining abilities
· Limit TV or radio programs which they may feel are frighteningly real
· Maintain privacy
· Provide a safe physical environment

Language Needs
· Use short words
· Use clear and simple sentences
· Speak slowly and calmly
· Questions should ask for a “yes” or “no” answer
· Talk about one thing at a time
· Talk about concrete things; not abstract ideas
· Use common phrases
· Always say what you are doing
· If they repeat their question, repeat your answer as you did the first time · Give them a longer time to process information
· Wait patiently for a response
· Be accepting of inappropriate answers and nonsense words
· Speak softly, soothingly and gently

The booklet also discusses Care Needs and what to do about driving, accusations about stealing, and other behavioral difficulties that go along with dementia.

Remember that dementia is a family disease: you can't ONLY take MILs needs into consideration. If she's ruining everyone's quality of life and causing suffering, then she needs to be placed so you can ALL have a better quality of life. My mother lived in a Memory Care AL for the last nearly 3 years of her life b/c there was no way on earth I could or would do the hands on caregiving for her in my home. It would have been WAY too much! The behavioral difficulties require a team of people working in 24/7 shifts to manage, in my opinion.

Wishing you the best of luck with a tough situation

What sort of dementia leaves a person unable to bathe, dress, feed herself or take medication independently but allows her to be safe when unattended and able to make imaginative threats that land on target to make living with her unbearable?

And why is she in your house?

Some people just are extremely unpleasant and seem unable to help themselves. Perhaps they do it for fun. But in all seriousness if the strange imaginings and paranoid accusations are *new* then you need to report her for medical attention - as with any marked, unexplained change.

Not “harassment”. She is saying what she BELIEVES is true at a given moment, in her brain now damaged by dementia AND stroke. To her, her statements are true.

Her complaints and threats have little or no relationship to what you say or do, so stop taking them to heart.

It sounds as though she’s no longer safe when left alone.

Whether you’ve “had it with her” or haven’t makes no difference to how she behaves or will continue to behave. Develop your “ignore” muscles and soldier on.

It may make you more comfortable to start searching for a good residential care site near you. Just knowing what’s out there can be comforting to you.

All of those symptoms and issues sound like dementia.

It’s altogether awful.

Dementia steals joy, control, and a sense of time, place, and reality.

Time for a different placement.

Your children should not have to live like this. Neither should you.

Any naysayers that pop in have never dealt with 24/7 dementia in their own home.

Welcome to the world of Dementia. Short-term memory loss means they don't remember from one day to the next or minute to minute. It causes paranoia and if snarky before, will be even more so. If she is seeing a Neurologist, see if there is a medication she is taking. If not, she should be. I do not leave Dementia in the hands of a GP.

I feel that the deficits you have in understanding dementia may mean that you should not attempt care for an elder suffering from it. This is a disease/disorder, and the elder suffering is not responsible to this injured mind. In all truth, even an understanding of dementia is not going to change much, because as you said, your entire family is now suffering.
I think you are looking at a need for nursing home or MC placement. It isn't fair for children to suffer through this.
I am so sorry you are going through this.

Here is what I would do. I would call a social worker (APS) and tell her you are unable to safely take care of her anymore, and she needs to be placed in a facility. Start looking to place her, and apply her for Medicaid if necessary. Be proactive now, it is only going to get worse. If APS can take guardianship, so much the better.