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I can remember lots and lots of ‘pity party’ comments on this site, but not one about the expression being used to the party thrower, how they reacted, or what happened then.

I’d be interested in any comments!
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tryingmybest8 Apr 2021
My sister and I visit Mom every day taking turns with whatever she needs at the moment. Mom has a very different relationship with my sister then me. My sister simply won’t listen to Mom’s pity party. If it starts up she simply leaves. I on the other hand listen and try to fix things. It’s my nature to try to make it better which just prolongs the PP. Lately Mom has fixated on several impossible dreams that she expects I will accomplish. I asked her yesterday, “what does —— have to say about it?” Mom said, “well, I don’t talk to her about such things. She just leaves.” Aha! Clearly I’m creating my own problem.
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Two things:

Get her to a geriatric psychiatriat for evaluation and treatment of her mental health issues.

Learn to say "I can't possibly do that".
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Lovetoread Apr 2021
thank you, yes I've been practicing more assertiveness through this!
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Stop doing anything for her.

Stop driving her around.

Either she does it herself, or it doesn't get done. If someone waits on you hand and foot, what motive is there to improve? Let her sink or swim.

Whatever you do, don't EVER consider moving her into your home, or you moving in with her. This sounds like stage 1 of a multi-stage process that ends with the two of you living together. That would be a disaster.
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Lovetoread Apr 2021
Good Lord nooo way, we considered living with them for a MILLISECOND and realized what a bad idea that is
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I was just re-reading here & wondering... about people with some dependant personality traits (not dependant on substances - but maybe a little underconfident in life skills/decision making). Whether as these people aged, got ill etc if they increased this *learned helplessness* as a survival mode. To become more & more needy to ensure their main carergiver didn't abandon them?

From stroke org website:
The impact of stroke on the brain can also cause personality, mood and emotional changes. All this means there is a strong link between stroke, depression and anxiety.

Add a stroke to that personality & I would image you get a very anxious needy person!

Even with stronger boundaries to say no to MIL, I'm thinking the stress is just going to keep at you all - as her needs will still be unmet (unless constant attention is given). Makes me think 'What cannot be cured must be endured'... Not by FIL & family - but by MIL herself. If she is not independent, to accept that & plan how she will live. Having relatives that don't live with her at beck & call or wearing out her spouse is not reasonable - time for something different (AL comes to mind).

So it may well be time for a family meeting & discuss a different path.
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One person’s refusal to change or help themselves doesn’t mean others must jump to their demands. It’s not on the family to endlessly try to fix what refuses to get better. Be around for the times she’s reasonable and provide truly needed help. Anytime it turns toxic, leave immediately
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Lovetoread Apr 2021
Thank you! "be around for the times she's reasonable" indeed sounds like a reasonable thing to do hahah... I'm def practicing that! I don't want to totally dismiss her because she's not some horrible person
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Just because she has no boundaries doesn't mean you shouldn't.
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Lovetoread Apr 2021
So true! I am working on being more assertive, thanks for the feedback
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Sounds very much like my mother. She's older but has been actively dying for the last 40 years or so.
Tough love is what your fiance's mother needs, and from everyone. That means you, her kids, and her husband. All of you must stop being at her beck and call and catering to her every whim.
JoAnn29 in the comments here is absolutely right when she says that 'enabling is disabling'. If she can do for herself, she must do for herself. It's for her own good.
If your future MIL wants to act like a spoiled brat child then treat her like one. When the complaining and demands start everyone needs to completely ignore her. Don't accept any more invitations to her pity parties either because that's how she gets all of you to jump through hoops.
Next time she wants to go shopping, or get her hair and nails done tell her no because you (and everyone else) refuses to push her in a wheelchair that she doesn't need. If she wants you to go buy Benadryl or ice cream tell her the truth. That she isn't supposed to be having these things and that you will not help her get them.
You, her husband, and her kids need to change the family dynamic. Right now your future MIL controls the situation and is in charge. No more of that. All of you need to stop and be united together in the decision. Your future MIL will catch on when she gets lonely because everyone is blowing her off. She'll adjust her behavior and start doing for herself when everyone stops humoring her.
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Lovetoread Apr 2021
"All of you need to stop and be united together in the decision." That really makes me realize we haven't actually gotten together without her to be able to discuss anything now that she is living closer, we all kind of avoid really dealing with it as a team. I will def be mentioning that we should have a little meetup to vent/discuss!
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OK--your mom sounds just like mine. She can be funny and enjoyable to be with, but not much anymore. She's always got some new horrible ache or pain and has had multiple serious sugeries. The ONLY one she truly needed was a hip replacement at age 86. She's 91 and scouting out new drs who will do either the other hip (being proactive, you know) or work on her shoulder. No drs will touch a 91 yo woman in terrible health who will not do PT afterwards and who won't follow the rules.

She hurt her left shoulder and when you visit she sits and groans and rubs her shoulder non-stop. Complains that she can't get a dr who will help her. At first I was all about helping her find range of motion exercises, cortisone shots, massage, and she'd throw it back at me.

Last week I was there for a minute and she was rubbing her RIGHT shoulder and moaning and saying how much WORSE her shoulder was getting---finally I said "Mother, it's your OTHER shoulder that hurts. Your right one is fine". That didn't fly and I got bounced out of there pretty fast.

People like this have lived inside their own brains for so long, that they really can't see how off putting their behavior is. Mom is perpetually dissapointed in all of us, and lets us know it. And you know what?

There is not one thing I can do for her. She WANTS to be miserable.

70 is VERY young. She could easily live 25 more years. Just saying. And I doubt she will get 'better'.

Mom is 91 and has lived with YB in his home for 26 years. He regrets this decision every day of his life.
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Lovetoread Apr 2021
Yes spending time with her can be unpleasant when she complains so much and constantly tries to poison me with sh*t-talking about her husband, how mean and miserable he is and all the mean things he says, how he does this and that etc... its exhausting and frankly just plain awkward because they aren't even MY parents they're my inlaws. My fiance has given up and come to terms with her probably dying a miserable person because he's been dealing with it much longer than me (we've been together 5 years, but she's been like this 15 years) it's just so frustrating because she IS ONLY 70! She could be living so much better but just gets in her own way and only wants to book doctor appt after doctor appt for shots and new treatments and surgeries that never help, instead of just putting in the freaking work herself!! (physical therapy, exercise, eating right) uggggghhhh. I'm sorry to hear about your mom btw... this platform is such a great way to commiserate with others and get support/ advice from wonderful people such as yourself. Thanks for the response!
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I understand that FIL is overwhelmed but she is his responsibility. He needs to set boundries. He needs to find ways to get away by hiring someone. You can help but I would not get involved in her care. I am not beyond a little threat. Dad needs to tell her if she won't do for herself, then he may need to put her in a LTC facility because caring for her is stressing him out. Medicaid may pay for her care. FIL being the Community Spouse. Assets get split with her portion being spent down then applying for Medicaid. FIL can remain in the home and have a car and enough from their monthly income (SS and pension) to live on. Check your State to see if Medicaid pays for AL.

If there was brain damage that could cause a lot of problems. Its been 10 yrs and she should be evaluated again by a neurologist.

When a poster used the word enabling a member said that its not always enabling, its disabling. Enabling is getting her the Benadryl and icecream she is not suppose to have. Disabling is doing things for her she can do for herself.

I would not marry into this family unless you are sure you will come first.
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Lovetoread Apr 2021
Yeah she's been to a thousand doctors that can't seem to help with her migraines and back pains and hip pains etc dry eyes and dry throat...I could go on and on with all her issues, it's really sad and frustrating. The Medicaid info is really informative thank you for that I will def look more into it!
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As long as she is of sound mind, not much you can do legally. 

But! You can tell her NO. Some examples:

"No MIL, I can't get you benadryl (or ice cream or whatever destructive thing she wants). I don't feel right about that given your medical problems." (This may get her to consider to stop acting so helpless? Maybe not!).

MIL complaining? "I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. I'll call/see you when you're feeling a little better." 

MIL wants you to come over and do whatever for her? "I can't. I've got [work, school, anything] and I can't miss that or put it aside." 

Once you and fiance stop coming around so much and don't immediately get her what she wants, she may realize her antics don't work. You say she is a good person, and I'm sure she has good aspects... but really, a good person would take responsibility and not want to burden others. Nor would a good person be snobby. It’s not your fault she doesn’t want to be around people, and no need for you and fiancé to be her social group.
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Lovetoread Apr 2021
Absolutely! I have always had a hard time with saying no and being assertive especially when there are mixed emotions (guilt, empathy etc...) tied in as well, so I've experienced a lot of growth having to set boundaries and become more assertive, thanks for your motivation!
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If someone continues to do for her, than she will have no reason to try and do for herself. It's called enabling. Time for the family to step back, and let her do for herself. If you don't now, it will only continue to get worse. And please don't take her to get Benadryl, as that has been proven to make people over 60 with mental decline worse, and can even cause cognitive decline. So by you taking her to get that, you are in fact making her worse.
And like Beatty said, next time she invites you to her pity party, just decline to go. Best wishes.
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Lovetoread Apr 2021
Thank you for your response! And wow I didn't know that about the benadryl, I was very stern with her and refused to get it for her and am now especially glad about that!
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You can lead a horse to water...

"What do you do with someone who doesn't try at all and would rather feel sorry for themselves and have everyone else do everything for them?"

I'd decline any ongoing invites to pity parties.

I'd suggest professional assistance; Thearapist for marriage/life counselling & a Geriatrician for medical issues. Let this couple get advice & decide their own path. (May be time for AL for MIL.. if they think best).

I'd be a DIL who visits now & then. Bring afternoon tea, have a friendly chat. That would be MY boundary right there. The rest falls into their life & therefore is up to them.

I would not step a foot onto that slippery slope towards being at beck & call 24/7.
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Lovetoread Apr 2021
Thank you for that response and also validating some thoughts I have been feeling guilty about. They are going to many different doctor appointments and therapy sessions including Al-anon and other zoom meetings, but once those are over she doesn't do anything on her own that she's supposed to do outside of these meetings/appointments. It's like she's going to them just to say "look, see, I'm trying." FIL was going to have a breakdown without some help from the two sons (one being my fiance) which is why they moved closer to us. (FIL is her full-time caregiver + worked full time as a graphic designer he's 70 as well) Another weird layer to this is that he recently had an affair, needing a romantic relationship with a woman (which is long gone from the marriage) and we don't exactly know how to feel about that. He's not currently pursuing that other relationship anymore. We have a lot of sympathy for him, but also are just weirded out by the whole thing as they still live together and MIL knows about it. Ugggghh wish there were more affordable options for assisted living! I wish we could spark motivation and hope and positivity, but she really seems doomed to be unhappy and needy. (Hope that doesn't sound too insensitive)
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