Moving in, and bringing even more family into the madhouse, is a catastrophe waiting to happen. Put her in a facility, or leave her to her fate. Don't make her problems your own.
I have the same issue with my mother-in-law that I care for 24/7. I just started removing little hits everyday. She didn't miss anything and is less confused with less clutter. I even stopped giving her mail as she gets at least 5 pieces of junk mail contest items daily, they go straight to the shredder, she only gets magazines or mail from family and friend's. Everytime a new magazine comes I take away the old! I hope this helps.
I agree with geaton about a therapist. Not for your mother but for YOU!!! You can’t change your mother. She’s a hoarder with a mental illness. A therapist won’t help her because she sees nothing wrong with hoarding. See a therapist for YOU!! That’s what I had to do. So I don’t make her crises, my crises. She won’t change. But you can change how you react to her. Your mother is not going to accept any help from a therapist unless SHE WANTS HELP.
Hoarding is a mental illness and a very common problem in the elderly. It is often triggered by a traumatic event. Cleaning up her room will only mean she will find ways to fill it up again. If she has dementia, she may not be a candidate for therapy, which is absolutely necessary to address the underlying issues causing the hoarding behavior. So, please go into this living arrangement with your eyes wide open. Do you want to be battling her hoarding behaviors during the day while you're trying to work? Do you want your child and their family to be exposed to this drama? I'm not saying it won't work, I'm just advising that you maybe invest a little money and consult with a therapist who works with elderly hoarders FIRST so you know what you're signing up for. I hope your multi-generational home can become a peaceful reality. But please do speak with an expert first.
The reason I'm puzzled is that if this is her room, she IS using it. No?
I can't help noticing on your profile that you are undergoing a partial remodelling of your mother's home so that the family can provide more long-term, live-in support for her.
So... are you trying to clear out a room that she is actually in, with her beady eyes looking daggers at you? Or are you trying to clear out a different room but anxious that, like Smaug, she will recollect only too well how many back issues of the National Enquirer were stacked in there?
It’s her bedroom in her house that she used to use. She’s got so much stuff in there now that it’s virtually unusable. She now sleeps on the couch in the living room. She is mentally incapacitated so she cannot take care of herself. She rarely bathes, can't take her own medications, can’t pay bills, wears the same clothes for over a week at a time, can’t drive, and hardly eats unless we feed her. My son and his wife offered to move in there so there would be more support for her, in addition to me being there during the day for work. She doesn’t like to be alone. My dad (her husband) just passed away in November. I wanted to clean out her room and make it more organized so she a place to keep her things and she could actually use the room and sleep in there. She’s got kitchen items in there, empty containers, dishes, trash, an extraordinary amount of clothes throughout the entire house, not just in her room. I worry that the cohabitation with my son and his wife won’t work out if she is unwilling to get rid of anything. The kitchen will need to be cleaned out so there is adequate room for everyone’s food, dishes, etc. I was hoping to put off placing her in a home for a good amount of time for financial reasons. I worry about her outliving her money because we won’t be able to afford the cost of a nursing home. If this cohabitation idea doesn’t work, placing her into a home is going to become necessary.
Personally, I would not live with someone who is a hoarder. I would let mom live in her hoarded house all by herself. Having said that. You said she has dementia. I personally would move out, not bring other family members in the house, call APS and call her doctor. Somebody would be able to help her in the home or have her go to a facility because of the dementia. Dementia is the key word here. My mother is competent (another key word) so there is nothing you can do about a hoarding person if they are competent. But your mother can receive all kinds of help without you there, because she has dementia. Don’t put yourself through this or other family members. It’s hell. I know. Been there, done that. If you decide to stay there and you have other family members coming in to live there, then leave her room alone. There is nothing you can do about her hoarding. Leave her room alone. There will be endless fights if you try to throw out one piece of paper!! Your young. Your only 52 years old with already a stressful job. Leave her room alone if you want to live with her in any kind of harmony.
It is unlikely she will notice if you take out trash from her junk collection on a regular basis, a little at a time. If she notices, just claim ignorance.
At the end of the day this is her home and moving in and taking charge and changing everything is going to be problematic.
Has anyone asked her how she feels or what she wants? If she likes the hoard she will not respond well to all the changes. She is still a person with rights and choices, please honor that.
"Hoarding", like beauty is in the mind of the beholder. Obviously, you and your mother have very different ideas of where the border lies between hoarding and saving valuable (to her) memories. My own mother has saved things for decades that I would have tossed a day or two after receiving them (greeting cards from car salesmen, the congressman, etc.). Nevertheless, they are HER memories, and HER belongings. Leave them alone.
My sisters and I would have loved to clear out much of Mom's junk 15 or 20 years ago. We are very much aware that the longer she lives- and the older we get - the more difficult it will be for us to clear out that stuff. Nevertheless, she does have a right to keep whatever stuff she finds valuable to HER. These old things have no intrinsic value but they remind Mom that she has lived a full life. I am not sure, but I think that she finds some comfort in the quantity of stuff she has accumulated in a life that featured some very lean years and very real needs.
Also bear in mind that if you remove even one thing, you will be accused (properly) of stealing from her. This will not improve your relationship at all. Your only course of action must be to accept that as long as she is able to stay in her own home, she is in charge of it. If you can't stand it, stay out of it. When you want to visit with Mom, pick her up and take her for a ride or for lunch.
Thank you cherokeegrrl, that means a lot to me!! I briefly visited my mother at 5:30pm but told my mother at 6:00pm I had to get ready for work. She didn’t want me to go. She was fine. No shortness of breath. She just wanted company. I told her I had to go and left. My older son called my mother at 8pm and said the EMTs were at her house AGAIN!! I stayed put at work. She didn’t call me anyway.
In what way?
The reason I'm puzzled is that if this is her room, she IS using it. No?
I can't help noticing on your profile that you are undergoing a partial remodelling of your mother's home so that the family can provide more long-term, live-in support for her.
So... are you trying to clear out a room that she is actually in, with her beady eyes looking daggers at you? Or are you trying to clear out a different room but anxious that, like Smaug, she will recollect only too well how many back issues of the National Enquirer were stacked in there?
Has anyone asked her how she feels or what she wants? If she likes the hoard she will not respond well to all the changes. She is still a person with rights and choices, please honor that.
My sisters and I would have loved to clear out much of Mom's junk 15 or 20 years ago. We are very much aware that the longer she lives- and the older we get - the more difficult it will be for us to clear out that stuff. Nevertheless, she does have a right to keep whatever stuff she finds valuable to HER. These old things have no intrinsic value but they remind Mom that she has lived a full life. I am not sure, but I think that she finds some comfort in the quantity of stuff she has accumulated in a life that featured some very lean years and very real needs.
Also bear in mind that if you remove even one thing, you will be accused (properly) of stealing from her. This will not improve your relationship at all. Your only course of action must be to accept that as long as she is able to stay in her own home, she is in charge of it. If you can't stand it, stay out of it. When you want to visit with Mom, pick her up and take her for a ride or for lunch.
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