I have posted on here frequently so will not repeat her toxic history and behavior Paranoia, lifelong narcissism , refusal to take meds , verbal abuse and memory is continuing to decline measurably. Had her to her longtime Dr two months ago and he feels it is early age related dementia. (She is 92) Lifetime history of mental illness, bullying and verbal abuse of my handicapped dad, my brother, myself and my husband. I am the only one who has been doing her shopping and taking her to appointments ..that is now stopped due her latest sh#t show of me trying look past her craziness and take her out for a nice lunch ....she has bought 2 new mattresses in past 5 years (4700.00) and now wants another one because she believes I am making her sleep on a 40 year old mattress (have receipts for new ones and showed them to her.) and she accused me of being in "chaoots" with mattress company
. She had a complete meltdown at lunch. I immediately took her back to her lovely independent apt. She tried to throw rest of her lunch at me and told me "I hope you rot in hell. That was the last straw out of a huge basket of straw over the years I have endured by myself. I am out of picture and told Executive Director I will no longer be involved . I have messages in for a private caregiver that b#%%ch will have to pay for. She is over asset for any financial aid but will run out of money for the 2 year private pay requirement before State Aid is accepted as well as Veterans Aid and Attendance. Also a message in for a counselor for myself. Every time I see her I have panic attacks and beginning to recently have memories and flashbacks of our traumatic childhood . I am 68 and also have numerous health problems and had to go to ER again because my oxygen dropped to 86 after her performance and was diagnosed as extreme stress and panic attack. She refuses to get a debit or credit card to pay for online groceries so not sure now groceries will be paid for. She has meals included but she refuses to eat most of them. It is a lovely retirement community woth caring staff. Im trying to hold firm to my no contact so she doesnt kill me like she did my dad with her mean and vile behavior. I am inclined to let her crash and burn so she will end up either in hospital or mental wars so that then I can get her the help she needs and an incompetency . She is in good overall health for her age outside of a lot of arthritis and mental illness. I will be making rederral to APS after holiday to see if I can get a court ordered guardian. Looking for support to keep me strong.I am 68 and having been in this hell for close to 15 years helping with my dad too before he died and trying to keep him sane and safe while being a single mom to 2 boys for 12 years ..was able to put them both rough college by working extra jobs and they both also working hard. My silver lining is that I met my womderful husband 20 years ago and we have been married 13..but she has aways tried to tell me I was selfish to get remarried and that I dint do enough for her. Im soooooo tired and burned out.

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Having the same issue with my mother. However, I do realize that she isn't in her right mind. She is incapable of clear thinking anymore. It is still immensely frustrating. She was never a good mother. My brother has no contact because of the abuses of our childhood. As the eldest and the only daughter I feel stuck with the guilt and obligation to take care of her. It's drained my savings. She wasn't supposed to live this long. She has serious health issues. My father died 12 years ago. I've been caring for her by myself for the whole time. The hardest part is that she was always mean, obstinate ornery and judgemental, hypercritical. This is nothing new. It's just turned up several degrees. My wounded child still reacts when she's awful so I have to walk away for awhile. Please remember when you advise someone to just leave the abusive parent to their own life, they are not mentally, emotionally, physically capable of sorting themselves out. I don't want to be her and treat her the way she treated me. To me, right now, she is a stranger in need. I have very little emotional connection with her which I guess in some ways makes it easier. There is no way we ate going to gave this miraculous healing and reconciliation. Not gonna happen. Especially now that her mind is going. My advice, don't expect gratitude, don't expect grace, don't expect love and understanding. You'll only frustrate yourself. Separate yourself from your definition the parental/family role and what you feel "should be" their reactions. It is what it is. It is all they are capable of. We still have choice. They really don't anymore.
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Reply to Satori57
LoopyLoo Nov 10, 2022
You are in no way any more obligated than your brother to take care of her.

The ‘only daughter’ does not automatically mean you’re the one to bear the burden. And I say that as an only daughter myself.

At the very least, stop financing her.
You’ve gotten good, fair, truthful advice, and you’ve tried hard, over a long time, to take that advice and use it.

It’s time to put yourself first. You’re still listening to that voice, still trying to forgive the unforgivable.

Time for “radio silence”. DO IT.
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Reply to AnnReid

I'm RIGHT there with you! I could have written your post. A mother who clearly has memory and judgment issues and nasty as the day is long; full on narcissist. Yet she just passed a psych eval with flying colors. What the hell???!!! I don't get it. I've been accused of theft, forgery, never ends. I too have panic attacks, my blood pressure is sky high and I've had to walk away. I literally screamed in my sleep the other night and scared the living daylights out of my poor husband. The stress is just too much. I have a call into a counselor as well.
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Reply to Gooddog

The 'emotional hangover' is what I am calling the effects after this kind of contact.

Although that implies just 'feelings' ie a nice concept felt through the body. This is far from that.. MUCH more than that! Racing heart, short of breath, clenched muscles - the adrenaline response, fight or flight. What is that stress doing inside our brain? Heart? Yours was your pancreas 😞.

Last time this happened I resisted the urge to neck a bottle of wine & headed out for a fast walk to loud music instead.

Until my boundaries are strong enough to cope with the assault, I have to limit exposure time.

I try to look at my situation as an outsider would.

Maybe we could swap? 😁

As an 'outsider' I see your situation as your Mom getting older & needing more daily care but lacking insight into this. She knows what she wants (at that moment in time) but her problem solving skills are kaput. Just one left: Call Trgrlly. It's her go-to for everything. This is not;
#1. Reasonable
#2. Possible
#3. What independant people do.

So by you stepping back, the more her veneer of denial will crack, until it all comes apart.

A crises will force change.

I know this.. I know this must happen.. and yet.. I too am struggled with the ongoing pressure. This time of 'awaiting the crises'.

A tiny toe dipped in can be swiftly pulled under by the crocodile of needs at any time! *Stand back from the water's edge at all times* is my thought today.
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Reply to Beatty
tygrlly1 Sep 4, 2022
Beatty......Thank you...the looming crisis is breaking my heart..but I know Ive done everything humanly possible to help her for the past 10 years since my wondetful, yet also bullied, father died. My brother had a breakdown because of her and has had no contact . She hates me for not being a widow like her..she hates that I dont use a walker like her...she hates that I have a loving and connected relationship with my adult sons and grandchildren, unlike her. When my son and his wife became happy new parents, she told me "boy, theyre in for a rude awakening."
Never once offered to help when my first husband had leukemia and I was trying to pay bills and find child care for my little boys and she told me "i raised my raise yours." I have held all the tears in for so long....Waiting to finally get into counseling . More surgery for me end of Sept and I cant fall apart. Thanks for listening and understanding. Hugs...
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Well well, when mother gets hungry enough, I guess she'll eat the 3 meals that are served in the dining room at her high end luxury AL, huh? SMH. For the love of God, you can put the woman in the Palace of Versailles and she'd be complaining the gold is tarnished.

I'm married 13 years myself on Tuesday!

Please take care of YOURSELF now and let mother and her '40 year old mattress' figure out her OWN life already. Enough is enough.

Wishing you the best of luck letting the ALF handle your mother and moving on with your own life now. You deserve to. Your health is more important than anything now.
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Reply to lealonnie1
tygrlly1 Sep 3, 2022
Thank you I said once, she could have a wing for herself in the White House and would complain it wasnt the Oval Office...Ive done all I can..and way too much..Congrats on your marriage.
too... I appreciate your support..we are truly all in this together and need to keep lifting each other up. If it takes a village to raise children , I guess it takes an army of caregivers when we have to raise them all over again...until we cant anymore.

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Tygr, change your phone number or stop answering calls from her.

Inform the management of the place she lives that you are cutting contact; provide them with the number of her doctor. Let the doctor or the facility call Adult Protective Services, not you.

Some folks can't be helped. It sounds as though a lifetime of demons and/or mental illness have rendered your mother her own worst enemy.

Leave her to the professionals.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to BarbBrooklyn
tygrlly1 Sep 3, 2022
Yes..I will do that . I have to...Ive given up too much already ....I love my husband and we both ended up in ICU in 2018 with he having a near tatal heart attack and three months I was later hospitalized with pancreatitis and they found I had precancerous tumors on my pancreas and I had Whipple surgery. She doesnt care as long as she gets her damn bakery and candy bars. My husband deserves a loving wife, not a basket case! I also love my sons and grandkids and daughter in law too much just to keep caving..

.Thank you !
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Good for you. Stay strong and dont worry about how she will get her groceries. That's her problem.

Let independent living know you you are no longer shopping for her etc. If she can't do it herself I guess they will have to contact a social worker to handle her.

If you died before her they would have to come up with something for her. Keep that in mind so you don't have in and do anything else for her.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to sp19690
tygrlly1 Sep 3, 2022
Thank you..please see my reply to BarbBrooklyn....thank God for this forum and my " sisters" like hou both on this thankless journey. .
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