Are you sure you want to exit? Your progress will be lost.
Who are you caring for?
Which best describes their mobility?
How well are they maintaining their hygiene?
How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
Which best describes your loved one's social life?
Acknowledgment of Disclosures and Authorization
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
✔
I acknowledge and authorize
✔
I consent to the collection of my consumer health data.*
✔
I consent to the sharing of my consumer health data with qualified home care agencies.*
*If I am consenting on behalf of someone else, I have the proper authorization to do so. By clicking Get My Results, you agree to our Privacy Policy. You also consent to receive calls and texts, which may be autodialed, from us and our customer communities. Your consent is not a condition to using our service. Please visit our Terms of Use. for information about our privacy practices.
Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
Remember, this assessment is not a substitute for professional advice.
Share a few details and we will match you to trusted home care in your area:
I give her meds she is allowed to have. She is afraid to die but still is tired of living. She won’t talk about dying to anyone. I get emotional and cry. Our minister is not helpful. How can I help my mom accept dying more peacefully?
I don't know that you can. What can you say that would help her? What can you say that the minister failed to say? Your mom doesn't have a say-so in when she dies, it's not up to her. Sure, she'd be more at peace if she were more accepting but many people are afraid to die. If she doesn't want to talk about it that's OK. YOU can be accepting even if your mom isn't. Work on your peace of mind and let your mom figure out hers.
Alone: Assure mom that when she is dead she will be 1) happy with the angels and the people she loves, or 2) her brain will stop working and she won't know she is dead, so will not feel anything. Especially not her present daily pain. Which most likely can be managed by a competent doctor.
I'm pretty blunt, in general, not having been brought up by a loving mother, and having had to mother myself. But have spent some of my own time working with and for the dying.
People have died while holding my hand and I have seen they have nothing to fear. It often happens slowly, gently, with no stress, just acceptance.
Once in a while, as happened to me while working in a hospital, the patient will jump out of bed, go to the bathroom, come out and say she wants to go home tomorrow. Then crawls back under the covers, looks around....and stops breathing. Whatever happens, accept it. Don't panic or fuss. Just accept.
It sometimes helps dying people to have their feet gently massaged. With a nicely scented cream. Truly.
What, I have to ask, is there for mom to fear? Except the worry she'll miss something when she's gone..... something important or not important, but something in her life. Or maybe not. People are hard to figure out sometimes.
Mom does not have to do anything to die except close her eyes and let it happen. We all, every one, everywhere, go through it. Better to comfort oneself with pleasant thoughts than spend precious time fretting about something that cannot be changed.
In her case, if she imagines herself in a beautiful place, with flowers and sunshine, green grass and sheep in the meadow---she can be there for as long as she likes and feel the sun on her face, the breeze in her hair, smell the ripening fruit in the hedgerow or hear autumn's crunchy leaves......let her take you there, use her own words to paint the picture for you.
Softly, gently, stroking her skin as if she were a baby again, whisper together about the good times she's had. Assure her your tears are for the loss you will feel when she's gone, and not for what she will experience. She will always be with you, and in your heart, and she has been a good mother and a good person and so many will miss her, but that is the way life is. We are given it as a gift to use up and then to move on out, leaving people smiling when they think of us...,,,for years and years to come.
One point, if she won't talk about fear...how do you know....?
I myself, look forward to complete peace, for the first time ever. Would your mother welcome the same?
May your way be eased by the compassion you show now, the light you shed on the darkness of others, and the faces of sun and moon lighting your way.
1st thing to do is get a doctor that will address her pain, there is no peace to be found when you are in tremendous pain.
I think I would ask her if there is anything she feels like she needs to do. Any unfinished business as it were.
She knows she is dying, we ALL get that is part of life. If she doesn't want to discuss it, honor that. Talk about life, remember the good times and all the memories you share with her, ask her about herself when she was young and people she remembers that were long gone before you.
I wouldn't want to dwell on my immanent demise either, I would want to continue living until I'm not.
She has told you what to do with her body, let it go, that's all you need to know, funerals are for the living, not the dead. You're lucky in that, my dad thinks he'll live to 140 and won't even say what he wants.
You say your minister...is it her minister as well? If she is a believer she may not be afraid, she may feel something has been left unfinished.
Ppeople got down right angry with me for giving my sister a hard time on her death bed, I was like, sis, do you want me to treat you like your living or dying? Living of course, so when she made a snipey comment, I continued to say bite me, she loved it. You can't live your last days focusing on dying, how terrible that would be if you have your mental faculties.
Pray for guidance and peace for yourself to be able to honor her desire to continue living a life as long as she has breath.
Hospice is a good idea. They are so used to dealing with people who will die soon, that they probably have more experience than anyone else with the different ways that people react. They may be able to provide emotional help as well as the practical things.
I really don't think that this is something you can give to her. People used to urge me to tell my mother it was OK to let go since her quality of life was obviously nil and nobody could figure out what was keeping her alive, it just reminded her of her imminent mortality and made her more anxious. I used to wish she was like all those little old men and women we read about who say they are ready to die, but she wasn't, she clung to life with everything she had (and by the end she had very little) right to the last breath. But... she was always a fighter, so that was OK too, and I don't think it made her final days any harder.
My wonderful mom fought like a lion for every second of her five days short of 95 years. I will swear with my own dying breath that my dad came to get her the day she went Home, and that day she was sweetly peaceful and totally lacking of the resistance that had filled her in the days before. If your mom isn’t receiving a regime of pain management that gives her adequate relief, I’d ask her doctor for a referral to a pain management specialist. I think when/if someone wishes to talk about his/her future, however they see it, they will. Please consider talking to a gentle listener about your own feelings. YOUR feelings about her concerns are important as well as hers. Blessings.
Dear Alone, I hear your pain from across the web. I offer my sincerest thoughts of support and serenity.
My mother passed at 73 after 21 years of battling breast cancer. Towards the end, she had lots of fears too. Most were relating to her not being able to communicate and being in terrible pain. As well as wanting others to not become panicked.
I decided to go home and assist with her hospice set up. I met with the hospice nurse when the care plan was established. I am very sorry that is not available to your mother. It was very helpful and the nurse was amazing.
What I got to do was engage in all the conversation and questions my mother had as the nurse explained the death process. She was very frank, gentle yet firm that death is a natural process and fighting it is not a requirement.
My mother, ever the control freak, needed some type of control back. For her, it was accomplished by having the nurse go through the organic step by step process of dying. From the first cycle of death pains to the eventual inability to recognize those around her.
For some reason that brought her peace. She needed to know that her family would not need to be the one vigilant for her body at the end. That Drs and nurses would be able to make her comfortable. She needed to know that communicating will be lost far before her actual death. I imagine every person is different and there is absolutely "that special thing" that will reach your mother too.
I agree with getting the pain under control. My mother hated the Phenergan because it made her even more out of it and she was already fearing loss of communication. I suggested switching her to Zofran. It doesn't cause many side effects and doesn't make you sleepy. In addition, the oxycontin was causing her to bloat horribly, so I asked about a patch that would not upset her stomach. She ended up on a low dose of fentanyl (not possible for everyone).
After tweaking some of her comfort measures, she settled into releasing her anxious thoughts and I witnessed her move towards surrendering. I decided to ask all of the extended family and siblings to send me pictures of them with her. Along with a list of their top 10 favorite events shared with her and top ten things they love most about her. After collecting them I made an album book, edited it with favorite poems, pictures of favorite foods and other unique things specific to her.
In all, I think I must have edited together 40 family and friends pages. It ended with something from each grandchild. After her Hospice meeting, I pulled it out. She spent the rest of the day looking it over, remembering, pointing and smiling at how much we all remember of her.
It gave her a glimpse of what we would all be missing, thinking of, honoring and that she would continue to be a part of our lives. Maybe there is something similar you can do. My mother carried that book with her everywhere like a favorite snuggly to the day she died. Whenever she felt sad or scared she pulled it out.
My goal actually was to assist all the people visiting her at the end to have easy conversation. Its hard to know what to say as someone dies and I didn't want visitors to freeze up and make a delicate time uncomfortable. It worked perfectly and tears that flowed were happy ones and ones she understood more easily.
She may not be able to tell you what would comfort her at all. So perhaps you can script the conversations somehow to focus on the beautiful memories she has created for others. Even if that is far and few between, find those and celebrate those now.
I am thinking of you and as others have said. We are here for you from across the web, albeit not as useful as a hug or helpful as dropping off a hot meal. Thinking of you during this time and times to come.- Pamela J
Do you have Hospice? If not you may want to think about it.
If you have a Memorial Service who will be there? Just your family. Memorial services take place of a viewing and service usually. We had my MILs between her Wedding Anniversary and Birthday. She was cremated and buried with my FIL in a National Cemetery. We had a graveside service and afterwards a friend had a luncheon at her home.
Talk to the doctor...she shouldn't have to be in physical pain. If she doesn't want to talk about dying that's her choice. Don't make your desire to address it something she is required to do. But do help her out of her pain.
I wish her doctor would listen. We are trying a different doctor. I don’t want to force her to talk about death but wish I could help her to accept it more.
I would suggest you read Being Mortal by Atul Gawande. It will help you work thru this yourself and also give you a point of dialogue to talk to your mother. She may be a long way from dying, so it is living that you need to focus on. Instead of getting her to accept dying, which no one wants to accept, really, it will give you a framework to talk to her about what she wants for her remaining future, etc. There are also some articles online written by him which pose the questions and framework for discussion if you don't have time to read the book. I listened to it from Audible; it was wonderful. And I agree that she should get an evaluation to see what could be done to help her pain. Don't expect the doctor to do the work to talk about her dying. Unless she has a terminal disease where death is imminent, what would any doctor say?
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Assure mom that when she is dead she will be 1) happy with the angels and the people she loves, or 2) her brain will stop working and she won't know she is dead, so will not feel anything. Especially not her present daily pain. Which most likely can be managed by a competent doctor.
I'm pretty blunt, in general, not having been brought up by a loving mother, and having had to mother myself. But have spent some of my own time working with and for the dying.
People have died while holding my hand and I have seen they have nothing to fear. It often happens slowly, gently, with no stress, just acceptance.
Once in a while, as happened to me while working in a hospital, the patient will jump out of bed, go to the bathroom, come out and say she wants to go home tomorrow. Then crawls back under the covers, looks around....and stops breathing.
Whatever happens, accept it. Don't panic or fuss. Just accept.
It sometimes helps dying people to have their feet gently massaged. With a nicely scented cream. Truly.
What, I have to ask, is there for mom to fear? Except the worry she'll miss something when she's gone..... something important or not important, but something in her life. Or maybe not. People are hard to figure out sometimes.
Mom does not have to do anything to die except close her eyes and let it happen. We all, every one, everywhere, go through it. Better to comfort oneself with pleasant thoughts than spend precious time fretting about something that cannot be changed.
In her case, if she imagines herself in a beautiful place, with flowers and sunshine, green grass and sheep in the meadow---she can be there for as long as she likes and feel the sun on her face, the breeze in her hair, smell the ripening fruit in the hedgerow or hear autumn's crunchy leaves......let her take you there, use her own words to paint the picture for you.
Softly, gently, stroking her skin as if she were a baby again, whisper together about the good times she's had. Assure her your tears are for the loss you will feel when she's gone, and not for what she will experience. She will always be with you, and in your heart, and she has been a good mother and a good person and so many will miss her, but that is the way life is. We are given it as a gift to use up and then to move on out, leaving people smiling when they think of us...,,,for years and years to come.
One point, if she won't talk about fear...how do you know....?
I myself, look forward to complete peace, for the first time ever. Would your mother welcome the same?
May your way be eased by the compassion you show now, the light you shed on the darkness of others, and the faces of sun and moon lighting your way.
I think I would ask her if there is anything she feels like she needs to do. Any unfinished business as it were.
She knows she is dying, we ALL get that is part of life. If she doesn't want to discuss it, honor that. Talk about life, remember the good times and all the memories you share with her, ask her about herself when she was young and people she remembers that were long gone before you.
I wouldn't want to dwell on my immanent demise either, I would want to continue living until I'm not.
She has told you what to do with her body, let it go, that's all you need to know, funerals are for the living, not the dead. You're lucky in that, my dad thinks he'll live to 140 and won't even say what he wants.
You say your minister...is it her minister as well? If she is a believer she may not be afraid, she may feel something has been left unfinished.
Ppeople got down right angry with me for giving my sister a hard time on her death bed, I was like, sis, do you want me to treat you like your living or dying? Living of course, so when she made a snipey comment, I continued to say bite me, she loved it. You can't live your last days focusing on dying, how terrible that would be if you have your mental faculties.
Pray for guidance and peace for yourself to be able to honor her desire to continue living a life as long as she has breath.
I will swear with my own dying breath that my dad came to get her the day she went Home, and that day she was sweetly peaceful and totally lacking of the resistance that had filled her in the days before.
If your mom isn’t receiving a regime of pain management that gives her adequate relief, I’d ask her doctor for a referral to a pain management specialist.
I think when/if someone wishes to talk about his/her future, however they see it, they will.
Please consider talking to a gentle listener about your own feelings. YOUR feelings about her concerns are important as well as hers.
Blessings.
I hear your pain from across the web. I offer my sincerest thoughts of support and serenity.
My mother passed at 73 after 21 years of battling breast cancer. Towards the end, she had lots of fears too. Most were relating to her not being able to communicate and being in terrible pain. As well as wanting others to not become panicked.
I decided to go home and assist with her hospice set up. I met with the hospice nurse when the care plan was established. I am very sorry that is not available to your mother. It was very helpful and the nurse was amazing.
What I got to do was engage in all the conversation and questions my mother had as the nurse explained the death process. She was very frank, gentle yet firm that death is a natural process and fighting it is not a requirement.
My mother, ever the control freak, needed some type of control back. For her, it was accomplished by having the nurse go through the organic step by step process of dying. From the first cycle of death pains to the eventual inability to recognize those around her.
For some reason that brought her peace. She needed to know that her family would not need to be the one vigilant for her body at the end. That Drs and nurses would be able to make her comfortable. She needed to know that communicating will be lost far before her actual death. I imagine every person is different and there is absolutely "that special thing" that will reach your mother too.
I agree with getting the pain under control. My mother hated the Phenergan because it made her even more out of it and she was already fearing loss of communication. I suggested switching her to Zofran. It doesn't cause many side effects and doesn't make you sleepy. In addition, the oxycontin was causing her to bloat horribly, so I asked about a patch that would not upset her stomach. She ended up on a low dose of fentanyl (not possible for everyone).
After tweaking some of her comfort measures, she settled into releasing her anxious thoughts and I witnessed her move towards surrendering. I decided to ask all of the extended family and siblings to send me pictures of them with her. Along with a list of their top 10 favorite events shared with her and top ten things they love most about her. After collecting them I made an album book, edited it with favorite poems, pictures of favorite foods and other unique things specific to her.
In all, I think I must have edited together 40 family and friends pages. It ended with something from each grandchild. After her Hospice meeting, I pulled it out. She spent the rest of the day looking it over, remembering, pointing and smiling at how much we all remember of her.
It gave her a glimpse of what we would all be missing, thinking of, honoring and that she would continue to be a part of our lives. Maybe there is something similar you can do. My mother carried that book with her everywhere like a favorite snuggly to the day she died. Whenever she felt sad or scared she pulled it out.
My goal actually was to assist all the people visiting her at the end to have easy conversation. Its hard to know what to say as someone dies and I didn't want visitors to freeze up and make a delicate time uncomfortable. It worked perfectly and tears that flowed were happy ones and ones she understood more easily.
She may not be able to tell you what would comfort her at all. So perhaps you can script the conversations somehow to focus on the beautiful memories she has created for others. Even if that is far and few between, find those and celebrate those now.
I am thinking of you and as others have said. We are here for you from across the web, albeit not as useful as a hug or helpful as dropping off a hot meal. Thinking of you during this time and times to come.- Pamela J
If you have a Memorial Service who will be there? Just your family. Memorial services take place of a viewing and service usually. We had my MILs between her Wedding Anniversary and Birthday. She was cremated and buried with my FIL in a National Cemetery. We had a graveside service and afterwards a friend had a luncheon at her home.
See All Answers