Mother is taking more than what can fit in her independent living place. What do I do?

My mom's move to AL was a lesson more for me than for her. Six years ago, mom had to downsize from the home she and my dad had when I was in my early 20s. That was when I was in my early 60s. First, she wanted ME to have all of her sets of china and my grandmother's things. I had to convince her I didn't have room for any more than was already in my house. I picked a few special things and told her if she wanted them to stay in the family, she should share them with my cousins since I didn't have children to hand them down to. We still took took too much to AL and to my house, and there was still plenty left with nowhere to go. When hubby and I first got together, he owned some rental property that we had used for our storage. We still rent out my townhome and bought the house where we live. So, we had a friend with a truck take the remains of what mom had to add to our "stuff" at the storage property. We still had boxes of things to discard when she got to the AL. (sigh)

That was close to 7 years ago. Just this year, we kept getting offers to buy the storage property. It was in a residential area, and most saw a fix-up and rent property in it. We knew it was depreciating and our things were probably ruining. So, we did a walk-through and discovered that was true. We sold it with the condition that all of the things inside would be disposed of before renovations or rental were considered. There were things that were "priceless" to hubby, mom, and me in it; but, we had nowhere to put them and no time to go through them. Every now and then, I think of the "priceless " treasures we lost, and I can't even remember what they were. A decluttering expert would have told me to throw them away anyway, since I hadn't used them in over a year.

Now, I am trying to save my step-children or best friend, depending on if hubby or I die first, the same chore. It seems like I have been moving the same things around for years, and my closets keep growing...just as my mom's did! I am learning too late how difficult this is. I am determined, though. I am donating a lot of clothes and things we don't use, and I am starting to see some progress.

The lesson I am learning is that downsizing (decluttering) is more difficult than it seemed when I was telling mom how to do it!

My Mum had stacks of tablet bottles and tops but I knew why.... she would always ask me to open the childproof bottles so she could transfer them to bottles she COULD open. All we had to then was buy her a lockable medicine cabinet which we did and all was safe once more - until she got dementia of course

Ditto on the Ziplocs. (Sigh)

Kellse, my gosh my Mom also use to wash out the Ziploc bags, too... I would see them drying in the dish drainer.

While cleaning out my parent's house, I found a ton of pill bottle caps, don't know why my parents kept them... maybe they were "trophies" for actually getting the pill bottle opened [such as Tylenol bottles are THE worse].

yup, my mom washes out Ziploc bags to reuse and the disposable coffee cups from Dunkins

Oh good Lord, yes freqflyer! My moms eye sight failing she wouldn't see all the food bits stuck to the foil when she smoothed it out for next time - when I'd visit at their house I would sneak into the drawer that held the foil and throw out as much as I could without it being too noticeable. Usually there would be mold growing on it - ewww! This last move to the nursing home I did happen upon a true hoarded treasure however - a jar of safety pins! Seems I can never find one when I need it - now I have a life-time supply!

Rainmom, reading your post was like reading about my own parents and what they saved. I found a lot of rubber bands that had dried up over the years, they just crumbled. Dad would take old coffee cans and spray paint them silver and place in those cans the screws, nails, bolts [can't do that with a K-cup]. The other day I found some very old white tennis shoe laces that were being saved for some reason.

In reading everyone's replies it makes me think of two other factors to consider and be sensitive to. I believe one was touched upon. That being older folks of the Depression Era. I think most of us have seen the residuals if that - nothing is thrown away in case it could be used again. My mom kept copious amounts of already used aluminum foil, plastic bags from the grocery store and every "to go" container she ever brought into her home. Daddy had jars and jars of screws, nails and rubberbands. All this stuff gave them a sense of security. Then there's the warped belief that everything is a "valuable antique. If I had a dime for every time my mom said "just don't get rid of that - it's a valuable antique"! I never could get my mother to understand that with eBay these "valuable antiques" were plentiful and trying to sell her stuff wasn't worth the time and efforts it would take to bring in a few dollars - if they sold at all. Isn't there a saying something like "One mans trash is another mans treasure"?

please do not tell her that people might steal her belongings from her new home! That's a terrible idea whether she is simply older and anxious already or if she has some dementia. Paranoia is a very common symptom of the latter! It's both cruel to do it AND you will be "creating a monster" because you will be encouraging a notion that you would give ANYTHING to abolish and reassure her about later! Not to mention that it is very unfair to residents and staff of the new place where she will be living. Never use "theft" or "you'll lose it" as a rationale. This just adds to our loved one's misery!

Babalou nailed it. Your mom is not planning well. She may have a hard time function at Independent Living. Keep your eyes open for Assisted Living options. As for the packing, you have to say "Take just what you need and we'll store the rest." We cleared out mom's house with 2 dumpsters.

Tell her you will store it in a self storage unit that will keep the stuff safe and clean. Advise her that if she takes too much of her stuff, then it might get stolen or something. Then you can do as you choose.....she probably won't miss it once she gets settled in...good luck!

woo hold on to your mind. i'm sorry and know that you are stressed but sometimes people started hoarding their memories to hold on. I know it doesn't make any sense but we all do it. eventually we start letting go. she is letting go of a part of her life that when she makes this move she cannot get back. maybe she needs time to become comfortable. most of these places have people that will help her through this. have you mentioned this to them?r also maybe she can schedule a day or two to go there and see how the other esidents have their apartments and the lifestyle she will be living. another option is to offer to rent her a storage unit where she can put her stuff for a period of time until she knows what she wants. a nice thing may be to ask if you and other members of your family could have a token like a serving dish so when she comes she will see you are using it. another very serious thing to consider is that she may be walking from furniture to furniture for balance in which case you should mention it to her doctor. remember you are moving too so her whole world is changing. it's scary as it may be for you too. it's hard for both of you now maybe you just need a time out with a short trip to release the tension. sometimes people connect love to certain items. we all do give her time. it's hard to let go.

Been there done that recently!! I thought I'd have a heart attack. My mom was so obstinate that she have it all. She also just lived with me for a year and is now back 8 hrs away and I have boxes of her stuff in my new garage. It's high anxiety but after a few months I'll ask her if she wants me to ship it to her as I have done with a few items and she has said no she doesn't need it. Hang in there, you're not alone.

Just curious if anyone has had the experience of packing and transporting all the belongings to the new smaller living space and then was faced with what to do with it all in the moment at the new location. This must happen frequently at Assisted Living locations. Have you had to sort out the boxes and stuff at the truck and decide what to take in and what to do with what is left in the truck or on the doorstep? Picture that and feel your anxiety level rise!

Something I wasn't clear about above...I didn't mean that Mom shouldn't be present when the organizer/unpacker was moving things in to her new home only that it be arranged for Mom to LEAVE it to eat and sleep, then come back the next day rather than experiencing 24/7 all the "turmoil" and chaos that is always present the first few days of settling in. Movers always want to set up the bed first, fine. But don't find the sheets until a few days later -- who wants to wake up to all the mess if you can postpone it until AFTER coffee and a shower! On the "real" move-in day, take Mom fresh flowers and a bottle of wine for those glasses!

I'm SO sorry you are having this stressful time and very sorry that Mom is so abusive to your wife. Pls follow the good advice above, even if it means your wife is not as involved as she might wish to be and as much as you might like her to be.

BY ALL MEANS -- NOW, FAST, BEFORE YOU PACK ANOTHER BOX -- Hire a professional packer (NOT the mover!) to pack Mom's things at her expense! I LOVE the suggestion of 5 piles (the number and designation of which you can modify to your family's needs) ALTHOUGH making these kinds of discriminating decisions may be too stressful for your Mom now. NOTE: And you may need to say "need later" rather than "storage"; Mom may be less hostile to PRIORITIZING.

And this is supremely important NO STORAGE or "Open Later" PLAN WILL WORK UNLESS YOU SORT/PACK AND LABEL BOXES TO STORE DIFFERENTLY THAN BOXES TO OPEN AT ONCE!!! The packer must be willing to PACK in accordance with such plan (and they will IF YOU INSIST); they charge by the hour so it's no skin off their nose if you want them pack more slowly and less efficiently than they are capable of packing.

Either with Mom's input (hopefully) or your judgment (or both where that works) pack things TOGETHER that are from the "same pile". And LABEL, LABEL, LABEL - top AND sides of boxes as otherwise MOVERS WILL STACK THEM IN ANY WAY THAT DOES NOT ALLOW YOU TO SEE WHAT INSIDE!!! (This is either an immutable law of the nature of movers or an 11th Commandment). So write on all 4 sides!

Maybe this is a job for your long-suffering wife, just to watch what goes in each box and be the scribe ON THE BOX. Color code the boxes (different sharpies for writing or some BIG stickers in different colors or with different color check marks) so that the movers can load/unload "Later"/"Storage" separately from "need now for sure". Just understand that what you think she will "need now" is almost certain to be different than what Mom thinks she will need now.

I hate to say it, gesteiger426, but this is probably harder on both you both because you are male. In my experience MOST men simply do not get as attached to household "stuff" as women do; I truly think this trait is just utterly missing from the Y chromosome! Maybe that's something the 2 of you can laugh about or use as a "take a moment" Code when you are about to be at each other's throat. Like: "Mom, you know I'm a guy/have one of those pesky Y chromosomes, help me out here". Have a little chuckle to clear the air (excusing her/my sexisim!!!).

It might help diffuse things and it's a good reminder that you each have a different point of view AND that one isn't necessarily right and the other wrong. Yours is more focused on her future: her point of view right now is more focused on her past. It might help you to remember that she is suffering a great loss as she makes this move and every knick knack, book, photo, side table etc. she doesn't take with her is another LOSS. Those wine glasses, for example, are not drinking vessels -- they are the symbol of when she could and did entertain and needed that many glasses. She's lost that NEED for glasses, but THAT is a loss! Asking her how she's feeling -- without implying at all that she justify her feelings -- might also help. If she knows that you are acknowledging her feelings of loss and are so sorry for those losses, she may be more willing to listen to your advice than if you are taking a strictly practical tone.

And since she "has the money", save your relationship not HER money! A possible approach on the other end of the move is to let the movers unpack EVERTHING/virtually everything not specifically marked for storage (or "for later") otherwise you will fight and argue at the other end too. It will be VERY hard not to communicate "I told you so", which will NOT be helpful! SO, ask for advice/referral from AL facility for name of a professional organizer to come IMMEDIATELY to help her for a few hours each day; they know how to handle this and she may be more responsive to a pro. Pls consider staying in/having her stay in a motel (or a respite room at the AL if they have one) for the first 2-4 days while this initial unpacking/organizing/settling is going on...that would be FAR LESS stressful for her and for you. EITHER she will then see for herself what the space issues are OR she will be crowded, which is ok -- it's HER home. As long as it is not too crowded for her to safely walk around, it's really her decision, isn't it? even if it would make you crazy if you had to live there. But you don't.

It may help to take lots of deep breaths and "walk away breaks" and try as hard as you can to focus on the positive: she is willing to move to AL! That, in itself, is huge! And, trust me, I didn't follow all this advice when I helped my Mom...but I do now know what works/does't and I wish I'd done more of what I'm advising here! Come back to vent ANY time! Angels Watch Over All!

In my opinion, she should take whatever she wants. When she sees it doesn't fit, maybe then she'll give it away or toss it out or donate it. We did the graph paper thing too and that was a huge help. Sometimes you have to see it to believe it! Best of luck. Been there, done that!

Oh Boy! I can hear all your frustration and while I don't have a lot to add, I think cwillie.....first reply.....had the best idea. We oldsters have a hard time getting rid of all of our memories. My kids (3) have already told me they want nothing and that hurts...however, that's the way it is! DH is a sentimentalist and saves everything so if he goes before I do, a large dumpster will be visiting our place. and at this point, a lot of my stuff will go into it too.....somehow moving into an assisted living apt. is not the same as a house! no matter the size. There are a lot of good answers here....take heart....there are also a lot of good people with lots of experience......lean on your Mother's doctors......they should have some advice for you too.

Hey 1Rarefind! I would like to be your mother, but I'm not so sure I would want to be your child! I salute you for your principles and compassion. You truly respect the rights of others.

Please don't tell us that your way is the only way, though! When dealing with a demented person, I can't let him make all his own decisions. I have to do things behind his back. I am letting him keep his 43 software engineering textbooks (for now) even though he can no longer access his own email. But I plan to sneak them out of their prime shelf space a few at a time, and replace them with his 600 CD's, which he actually still plays with.

I can be completely honest with him, and leave him in an agitated rage, or I can lie by omission and improve our life and keep him content.

I don't say your methods are wrong. Please don't condemn me for doing the best job I can, even if it involves some deception and white lies.

I told mom we were putting some in our attic, some to family.. she was ok with that.and she can still see the items occasionally

Hi - I got so much out of the responses, thanks everyone. Hope they help, "ge." Everyone is certainly touched by what your wife is going through, as well. I'd look for a time when there's not something terribly important going on, she is rude to your wife, and you both walk out and say "We'll be back another time, we don't let anyone talk to us that way." Dimentia or no, you can still do a little pushing back and I think after 1-2 times you won't have nearly the difficulty. Interrupt some of the harsher dynamics now, so you don't build up too much resentment instead. So sorry to hear how stressful this is - be well, and keep up the great work. :)

If your mom has vascular dementia, there is NO reasoning with her. I had to move my mom 3 times, and her belongings were downsized each time. You are going to have to start doing some serious decision-making - and don't look back. Figure out what will fit in her new residence and where it will go and have it in place before she moves in. My heart goes out to you with all that you're going through emotionally. Please find a caregiver's support group. It's important to be able to talk with others and share ideas and ways to cope. One more thing - do you have a POA and other legal documents in place? Peace be with you on this journey.

I have no words of wisdom, but have great sympathy and have been thru' the same thing. We had to move Mom from a 3/2 to a 1/1 and she has complained for 4 1/2 years about the things that we got rid of. We're now going to have to move her to a studio in assisted living, and are going thru' it all over again. I want to write a blog to myself to read when I'm older to help ensure that I don't do this to my kids when I'm older. My heart is with you. I, too, don't know how to cope with her changing communication style -- and I have a PhD in Communication! :(

gesteiger426, I hope you have found some answers for your question. It will get easier. You have a lot going on. Keep us posted and good luck with your move as well.

You are unfortunately at the point where you need to run the ship instead of Mom. She is not going to be logical. Once you get it in the box she'll forget what it is. So put some boxes in storage for a year. You will 'check with the movers' to see if they 'misplaced your stuff' and you'll get right back to her on their answer. Don't keep one or two out for memory purposes, it'll just remind her to nag on you about the other ten of them. Good luck.

I know alot of people have given you "good" advice already, but I wanted to throw mine in as well. My mother had a large 2 story, 4 bedroom home and had so many antiques and clothes as she was an interior designer and fashion enthusiast. After selling the house, she came to live with us. We stored everything in our basement and garage, and also the garage of our cottge. We gave her the sunroom to live in. When she needed to go to a memory care unit, my brother took her for the day (out to eat, some of her favorite places, etc.) while my sister and I packed 2 vans of clothing and furniture and then arranged her new room. She did not know ahead of time as she most likely would have wanted to bring too many things, refuse to go, etc. It worked out great (at the time I did not think it would since my mother loves all of her things around her). We took only 2 pictures for the wall, a small table with 2 chairs, 2 larger chairs and an ottoman, and a few lamps; the facility had a bed and dresser. We packed very limited clothing. My mother has dementia and paranoia and she thinks people take things from her so it is also best that she have fewer things. I don't let my mother come to my home in the case that she will ask to see her things and want to bring more with her. Within the past 1.5 years I was able to sort through her things and re-organize them. I donated her clothes and other items that none of her 5 children and 25 grandchildren would ever want; and ear-marked items for all of these relatives and also her best friends.

I realize that this is a very stressful time for you and you are handling it all alone. Just keep at it, take time for yourself, and continue on. Your mother will be relocated soon and things will be better. Good luck!

My friend did this. We just let her take what she wanted. It didn't take long after the move before she began to rid herself of the excess. It's not really worth the battle to argue about it.

Continuation due to limited space

If you would not want to go kicking and screaming and having people overriding your wishes, then you should come up with creative ideas to make things work as good as possible so that everyone's happy and everyone wins. You may not realize this, but forcing someone into a situation can also be detrimental if it's not necessary because that can stay with them to the day they die. You may also not realize this either, but it can also affect them spiritually. Stress does very nasty things to people physically, mentally, and yes, even spiritually. You want to make a very careful and educated review of the situation and all possible and very creative solutions before having to actually put someone into a nursing home or other facility because that kind of decision may not necessarily be necessary. I know it is in some cases, but not necessarily all.

Rent a large storage building near her assisted living. Let her pack and take it all.Instruct the movers to fit what will fit, label must have items in a certain color and items that can go to storage in another color.
Send it all. Don't worry about it. If she can pay for assisted living she can pay for storage too. Everything will be available to her if she needs/wants it, but it is not likely she will. She is just not ready to part with it yet......m
Give yourself a break. There is no point in arguing with her. She will tire and stress you too much.
When my Mom sold her house and moved ( after 3 stokes) she wasn't able to pack one single thing. She couldn't make any decisions and the process of selling her home and moving was too stressful on her. She wanted to take things like a large basket of cleaning cloths and rags, I threw some of the rags in the garbage after arguing about how many dozen cleaning rags she needed in an apartment. She went over and took them out of the garbage and packed them anyway.
It was too stressful for all of us. I wish I had just packed it all and not worried about it.
Bless you for being there for Mom. Don't be afraid to lay it on the line about how she speaks to your wife. Let her know in no uncertain terms that you will not accept her speaking to your wife that way and if she continues she has seen the last of you!.
Remind her frequently if she forgets that " if you don't have something good to say don't say anything at all"
Best of luck to you!

I just thought of something that could easily happen. What if this person happens to visit the local goodwills or other thrift shops and she sees her stuff on the shelves? Yes, you know exactly what I mean! She could actually alert the shopkeepers and report that stuff stolen when really it was if it was taken away from her without her knowledge or permission. You never know when the seniors could take trips on local transit or other transportation and happen to enter the door to some of these shops or even the flea markets and recognize their stuff that happens to show up at some of these sales. I personally I just don't think it's right to take away stuff from our elders if they're not willing to part with it. If they say no, then no means no and that's that. Anything beyond that that goes against their wishes is wrong. However, I greatly with someone who mentioned letting them make their own decisions when everything is put into storage, let the person come to the decision on their own and be willing to support whatever they decide. Having storage is advantageous because you could swap out stuff every so often. Storage may be expensive, but it's probably nothing like having to rent an apartment because apartments are more expensive if you think about it. Having to pay for storage is advantageous because all of your stuff is in storage as long as it's a proper storage unit where mice and bugs and such can't damage your valuables. It's advantageous to have all of your extra stuff in an overflow building because you're actually saving money by not having to go out and spend money replacing all of that. But you may actually end up using later (depending on what it is). Since this is a three bedroom house, I personally would not move her and I would cancel the move since she's not willing to downsize her belongings. As for the verbal abuse, what I personally would do is just turn around and leave as soon as she starts. I wouldn't just step outside the door, I would get in my car and just go home or wherever it was I was headed originally. Putting myself in this situation as an abuse survivor myself, I'm one of those kinds of people who just won't put up with any kind of abuse from anyone. If someone was being abusive toward me, I would turn and leave because I've had to do it before multiple times. There often comes a time when the abusive person gets the hint and realizes that you're not going to put up with it. Some of them may change through realization when they realize how much of a backbone you really have to turn on a dime and leave. You don't have to put up with the abuse, just do what I had to do and just turn and leave as soon as the person starts. Through this you may come to a point where you yourself may decide to stop helping this person for the sake of your sanity. Sometimes it's better than hanging around and putting up with the abuse.

How I would handle this particular situation is give her the ultimatum:

If she's going to be abusive, then you're just not going to help her. If she's not willing to downsize then she's not willing to move because the apartments are much smaller than she has, and the apartments just want to hold everything she has. Either she downsizes her belongings or she can't move to a smaller place.

Thirst personal reasons why people go kicking and screaming to, and this can be an opportunity to realize that maybe where they're going is just not right for them or they're just not completely ready for it. This might be a hit that where you're taking the person may not be a smart move just yet. The person's wishes may be desired home, and if this is possible then society has been somehow accommodating for that if you haven't noticed. Back in the real old days people used to live even their golden years at home up to the time they died, and they stay busy. If you would call history, people use to stay busy on farms because they'd stay productive. This is what often keeps your mind sharp. Eating a healthy diet also helps keep the mind sharp and the body well. I think many people know deep down that being forced into a place when they're really not ready goes against what was originally natural, and that's staying home. Of course it's not always possible in all cases, but it is possible in so many cases, which is why so many people go kicking and screaming and I don't blame them in certain cases. You may just as well put yourself in the situation mentally because we will all one day enter our golden years. This is why we must plan ahead now while we have a chance to make those decisions. We must set things in place so that our wishes are carried out later. We're all getting older, and we never know when we may one day need other people around us. We will reach that stage one day, and we ourselves must mentally put ourselves in the shoes of others to be able to better understand what others are going through so that we ourselves can make it better for us when our time comes