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My mother told me to stay out of her business the other day. I told her I don't like it when her caretaker who is also her POA for medical decisions per my sister's request decides to leave her. Neither her son and his girlfriend while taking care of her mom in another city didn't contact my brother who has POA for everything else or me. We all live in same state. Sister lives in another state, I told mother I'm changing POA to myself and she told me not to start anything and to mind my own business. I'm not sure what I should do. Any suggestions would be great please? My sister said her internist diagnosed her with Alzheimer's they both, sister & mother will not include me in anything and doctors will not give me any info. I don't know how to go around them to get any information?

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I'm not quite sure I understand your post. Sounds like you sister made the caregiver POA for healthcare? without moms consent? In that case, it is not a valid POA, especially if she is already dx with Alzheimer's Disease. You can call in a concern to Adult Protective services and run it by them, they may be able to advise you. A geriatric case manager might be able to come in and sort things out, if you want to pay for one.

About mom telling you to stay out of her business: she must feel pushed or pressured to say that. I don't know how you interact with her, but if the conversation has been going "You can't.....", "you need to...." "you shouldn't....", "you have to....", then I might see how she could feel pressure. Try coming from a "I'm worried about...", I'm afraid that..." , "I'd like to help you with....". She might be less likely to push you away. It's worth a try.

Best wishes, I hope your family is able to work things out
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It sounds as though you aren’t confident that any of the people who are supposed to be looking after your mother are really doing much of a job – brother, sister or paid carer. There are two people with any actual power – brother (POA) and carer (Medical POA). Brother may be like many ‘golden boy’ POAs – he thinks it is just a legal document for legal situations that might come up, not something that has responsibilities for your mother’s living arrangements. Carer may be your mother’s closest companion, have the ability to do much as she wants, with your mother being dependent on her and being afraid of anything rocking the boat. Sister may just be used to telling people what to do, while not having any real power. Are you sure that sister has an ALZ diagnosis?

One option with a chance of a good outcome could be to visit brother and have a talk about your concerns. Sister with ALZ still telling people what to do, might be a start. The next issue would be the risks of having a paid carer with total access to your mother, and potentially the power to misinform your mother. At worst it could be a more tactful version of this: “I can have you put into a home if I want, I have the medical POA and I can say that you can’t cope. So could you just help me out with blah blah blah”. Brother’s interest in his potential inheritance could mean that he checks things out. A new will is not the problem if mother has ALZ, but the money can disappear and be impossible to get back. “Stay out of my business” may mean that there is something to hide.

This option could go wrong – brother could rush in, upset your mother badly, and you could be totally excluded. However it may be more or less like that now. It’s a difficult problem, perhaps dealt with in small steps.
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Your sister did not have the legal authority to do what she did that you wrote about in your post below. I would talk with a lawyer about her actions and I would look into getting guardianship for your mother. On the other hand, you can't just make yourself your mom's POA. Only she can do that.
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You cannot change her POA, only she can and if she has Alzheimer's she is no longer mentally capable of making this change. I do not really understand why you want to change this, is your mother not being properly cared for? Your mother can fill out a form that gives the doctor the right to tell you anything that you want to know. You do not need a POA to get this information, IF your mother gives her permission.
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my sister was her POA for everything then one day she decided to get married and told no one left to another state called my mom and told her and the decided to leave my brother as financial POA which is fine and then decided to leave her caretaker which is paid thru a home care place to be her medical POA, my mother did not make any of the descions my sister did and I know she does not have parental guardianship over my mother thru the courts I already checked into that. my sister is a person who wants to be in control of her but no be around you know what I mean? I worry about my mom alot being home alone she falls, she says people go to her apt demanding money her care taker comes and goes as she wants during the day when she is supposed to be there and does not tell the home care place when shes leaving so they can have someone else go take care of her, can she have her family members go do it for her? i dont know I'm confused maybe i should stay away like she said right?
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I am uncertain if I understand, but the thing that you said about your mother now being adjudged to have Alzheimer's makes it impossible for her to change any POA assignments, either medical or financial. Unless you have clear evidence of wrong doing by the POA for medical or the POA for financial you will not have a case to go to court to try to change guardianship to yourself. It also would be terribly expensive to try such a thing. I am afraid you are dependent on your caretaker who is her POA for healthcare to tell you what information she would like, and the brother who is POA for financial to keep you in the loop if he chooses to. Neither task is an easy one, and people may not want the extra burden of dealing with your issues. If there is an Alzheimer's diagnosis I am afraid it is too late to address any issues. Try to be supportive and a help as much as you are able to the caregiver and the brother; this may help you to get the information you want to have; wishing you good luck.
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anonymous900483 Jun 2019
what are my issues?
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Firstly, Mom is the only one who can change her POA. She chose your brother as her POA for her own reasons and you cannot step in and change it. Mom is the only one who can revoke her POA and appoint someone else. POA does not come into effect until Mom is proven unable to make her own decisions. You also cannot “go around” her doctors to get any information regarding her health matters. There is a privacy policy called “HIPPA” and if your mother did not indicate on this form that you should be among those kept informed about her medical information, no one will tell you anything because that would violate her privacy rights. I’m not sure what you mean that her “caretaker decides to leave her per (your) sister’s request”. Is she unsafe alone? If you suspect she’s not safe alone, you may be able to file a report with Adult Protective Services, but if you go that way, you’ll really alienate your family, probably for good.
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First, you cannot change her POA. Mom has to revolk the POA and assign u and she is not competent to do so.

Your post is really confusing. Who is caring for Mom? Who is POA.

The doctors can't talk to you. Mom has to put u on a HIPPA form. Sister cannot give u info if Mom doesn't allow it. Looks like u will just have to back off. Your only have have rights that Mom allows.
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