My Mother has dementia and we were just recently told she has Alzheimer's. There are 7 children that care for her at home for the last year and a half. She has to have 24 hour care and each of us spend at least one night with her. She is incontinent so we all have to change her and either wash her or give her a shower which both are a chore no matter who is doing it. The problem is with the younger two (a female and a male) just recently she started hitting them when they were trying to clean her up. My sister bent over to clean her legs and such and she started smacking her on the back of her head. My brother started cleaning her up and bending over to do the same and she started hitting him on his back with her fist. She has never been a violent person. Was told by Occupational Therapist they shouldn't be cleaning her. That would be great if we had someone to come over every time she made a mess in her pants or she needed to be cleaned up. Recommendations?
Thankyou so much for your brilliant insight - I am going to print it out and give a copy to our local Alzheimers Society office!
Emmdee from Bristol, UK
Fact is this is not a site to tell people what to do but share your experiences. They can decide what works from there.. Choose your words carefully.
If no signs of infection, she may need some kind of medication to calm her down. During a serious sun-downing episode due to UTI, mom was also given the lowest dose of anti-anxiety meds. It was just enough to take the edge off, and worked first time, every time, within 15-20 minutes. No need to wean off the medication when it wasn't needed anymore.
No matter how much you offer to pay, it would be VERY DIFFICULT to find someone who would do toileting and monitoring while having to deal with being assaulted physically.
Are her present targets afraid of her outbursts?
Keep in mind that her personality prior to her illness has NOTHING to do with what she is doing now. At this point, she is operating with a brain that is becoming progressively more and more dysfunctional.
As painful as it is, you cannot expect her to control herself or her reactions.
You have clearly tried everything possible to honor your mother, but perhaps it’s time to consider whether she’d prefer you to continue your present care plan or to consider another level of care.
Im not sure about the hitting issue. Alzheimer’s is very difficult. I like the idea of trying to distract her. But, definitely talk with her doctor about it. Maybe it’s caused by anxiety, but maybe not.
Good luck 💕
But, kudos to the Band of Seven!! May you always be together and get along so well!
Like JuliaRose, I don't have suggestions for the hitting issue - there are many good ideas posted, so try those or a variation of them and see if any might work.
Why does she need an OT therapist. They help with ADLs. You Mom probably doesn't remember from day to day what the therapist has told her. You dress her? You bathe her? You cook for her? Laundry? So where does she need someone to show her how to do her ADLs? You probably do it all. I let Moms go. The Physical Therapist showed her how to use her walker. I did everything else for her. It wasn't like she had a stroke and had to be taught how do do things all over again. PT I can see but even then with Dementia they forget the exercises or are hard to teach.
I do agree your loved one will not retain the skills to be independent but handling the hitting and preparing your Mom with calming strategies may be helpful and prevent the hitting. Every situation is different but very helpful for us
This assumes that you've already explored what might be upsetting her? Plus, it is important to give her a running commentary on what's happening so that she isn't startled or frightened by any part of the washing routine. "I'm going to take this pad away, is that all right?" "Let's get this soiling off your skin, okay?" "I just need to make sure your skin is dry and comfy." etc etc etc.
I also have to assume that what the OT meant is to come back to the task if she's upset, and meanwhile just do what can be done. So, for example, take any wet/soiled pad away and put a clean one under her, then come back to proper cleaning and drying after a bit of a break; that kind of thing. The principle that if the client says stop, you stop is correct; but of course it doesn't mean that you give up altogether!
It’s not worth the fight to give her a shower when she’s not in the mood for it.
I know elderly people with dementia who have gone years without bathing.
If she has the resources, consider a memory care community. They’ll take care of the ‘maintenance’ stuff and you can go back to having a more pleasant, non-confrontational relationship with your mom.
If she doesn’t have the resources, talk with an elder law attorney about spending her assets down so she can qualify for a Medicaid nursing home when her care becomes too much to handle at home.
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