My mom was moved to a memory care unit on Wednesday 10-19-22. She had to be moved due to escaping her other facility. Since she has been in the unit (locked down) she is very anxiety-ridden, angry, banging on the doors, etc. As her only daughter I am consumed with guilt. I am wondering if any of you know of a group I could join? I am at loss as to how to help her understand what is happening and me coming to terms with my mom not being my mom.
Thanks
Is she safer now than before?
Even if she was in the same facility as before and she had to move to a different room I think her reaction would be the same. Almost ANY change for a person with dementia will be upsetting, confusing, frightening.
Talk to the doctor about medication for anxiety. This should help with banging on doors and the anxiety that she has due to the move.
You can not help her "understand"
You can tell her that she is safe,
You can tell her that you love her.
You can tell her you will help take care of her.
Hold her hand.
Let her know you are there.
YOU have nothing to feel "guilty" about.
You can feel
sad
afraid
frightened
I remember a lady who moved into my mother's MC and was really distraught, because she was a retired nurse who knew exactly what was going on and where she was. She was so angry she told me, "I could just BOP my daughter for putting me here!" (I had to laugh at her "extreme" language.) She cried for days, but by the end of the second week, she was right in there with the other ladies who weren't too far progressed in their dementia and was happy as a clam. Her daughter had just been so distraught with her mom in AL, and she could see how she was struggling to keep up with the other residents, but practically overnight her mom found her tribe. I hope your mom will, too.
As far as support for yourself, the Alzheimers Association is good as others have mentioned, and also check with the facility itself. They may have support groups, and I certainly found that just getting to know the other daughters during visiting (it was always the daughters there) was helpful.
It's hard when we lose our moms. Even when they're right in front of us but they are not the same people we grew up with, not by a long shot. This is unfortunately quite common and we have to come to terms with is as we go a long this ugly path of dementia.
Let us know what actions are taken and how mom is doing.
Memory Care helped to save my present LO’s life. Your mom is most likely very uncomfortable at least partly because her desire to “escape” is now being thwarted.
Ask someone in social services at her facility to recommend a psychiatrist to see your mom and determine if a small amount of a carefully chosen medication might help her to relax and be less anxious. “Our” psychiatrist worked wonders.
For yourself, focus on your love for who your mother is now. You deserve encouragement and support too.
My LO took a while to settle in, then enjoyed a pleasant life at her “hotel” until Covid. Give your mom a chance to adjust too.
My mother spent 5 1/2 wonderful years in a good local SNF. She was LOVED by the staff and she loved them back.
Please take good care of yourself. You are doing your best. No one, including you yourself, should expect any more.
Please work on viewing your emotions not as guilt, but as grief. You've done nothing wrong in placing her where she is protected, fed and receives the medical care she needs. Americans get a lifetime of romanticized "aging gracefully" or agiing in place, where nothing changes except you get more wrinkled and your hair turns grey. The reality of aging and caregiving is that it is less about "perfect solutions" and more about "least bad options".
May you receive the support you need and peace in your heart.