I’m 52. My mother divorced my father who adored her 40 years ago. She has anxiety and depression but coped through living in nice hotels around the world. We fund but she has done it reasonably and gets best deals. I haven’t lived with her for 40 years and only seen her about 10 times since age 19, when she called me daily at college to tell me she was lost. I developed severe ocd about her and thought about her 5 hours a day. I moved away and it got better. Then it happened again and she would call me all the time about her horrors, no place to live. Around my age 35 we started funding her fully. Things got better (by better I mean I never wanted to call her but was able to call her once a week and only obsess about an hour a day. Now over the past few months, things have gotten worse and my ocd is skyrocketing. Writing posts like this, talking to anyone who will listen. She is impossible to talk to. She won’t budge an inch. We asked for one hour of help a week from her to help us and she said no during the pandemic. Not one hour. We asked for a planning phone call or we weren’t going to send her funds and she just threatened to kill herself so finally we sent to stop the torture. Now at 77, I have limited contact and trying various treatments but she still slams on me about her misery. She doesn’t have a home and cries about that. Then we offer to buy her a home in Florida, Phoenix and she says she doesn’t want a dumpy home. Then we offer to buy her a nice home and she says she doesn’t want to be alone. The issue is she has no family that cares about her. My sister and dad don’t care if she is dead. Neither do her brothers. We care and I feel devastated for her, but I can’t have her in my unit because I don’t have space (2 bedroom for 3 people already). I don’t want her here because I am
obsessjng hours a day as it is and she will continue to manipulate me (I didn’t find her a husband, I have a husband, she doesn’t want to live and just wants to be hugged, I didn’t give her a solution to live overseas and have a home base in the United States, her life didn’t meet her dreams). As background, she sounds insane saying that 35 years ago she stayed with me when my father had a brain tumor and was in life threatening surgery. She tells me she missed a meeting and got in trouble. She was never there for me - didn’t come to wedding, graduations or when I got I’ll. But she gets into my head. Now I can’t make her go anywhere. She won’t call a suicide line, she won’t pick a place to live but will just email me until I break. Yes, the problem is with me, sf is very expensive and I can’t fund her here but moreover this is not a retirement community. She need to make friends but won’t. Only daily emails that she has no hope. Everyone tells me to not read her emails. I am so scared. By the way, I have an amazing husband and son…can’t even focus on them. Can you help me? Small part of me wonders if I need to open my arms and just love this shell of a human. I can’t solve it. Do you have resources?
Congratulations of the progress!
Read a bit about EMDR. It is a therapy technique that has helped many. Many therapist offer it now. It is even used for veterans who suffer from PTSD.
The key to your family health is for you to get better. If one method doesn’t help, try another.
look here is a group of therapist that offers EMDR in San Fran
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/ca/san-francisco?category=emdr
What, specifically, do you fear?
From what I've read, you gullibly believe EVERYTHING she tells you.
I would start out by challenging the truth of what she tells you if you insist on continuing communication with her.
1. She's not dying.
2. She won't be "on the streets" if you don't send money.
3. Your dying father wasn't "fine".
4. You are not fine.
Her saying these things does not make them true.
You need a therapist who can give you more than mantras.
I don’t know what kind of therapist some of these posters are using but they are nothing like the therapist I have.
Hahaha, my therapist told me on my very first visit, “I am going to say things that you may not be comfortable with at first. If you can’t handle this, I suggest that you leave now.”
I knew right then that he was my kind of guy! A guy who wouldn’t pull any punches and that he was a straight up, no nonsense person who would speak the truth.
Unless you have a money tree in your yard. I don’t see how you can afford to keep paying all of her expenses. She’s never going to be satisfied. She will bleed you dry. The expenses are adding up month to month.
She doesn’t bother your sister because your sister isn’t foolish enough to play her game. You keep playing the same game over and over and you’re losing badly. She is playing you for a fool. I can’t imagine that she cares about you or your husband and child. You’re a giver and she’s a taker.
When are you going to become sick and tired of being sick and tired.
You live in San Francisco which is one of the most expensive cities to live in. Are you concerned at all about all of the money that you have wasted on your mother?
How would funding a person's accomodation help a person who cannot live independantly?
It wouldn't matter if a house, luxury condo or a small one bedder apartment.
It wouldn't matter if in the best neighbourhood or a lousy one.
Accomodation alone cannot sustain a person. Cannot buy their food, cook their meals, pay their bills, buy clothing, provide entertainment, make friends, cure lonliness.
Yes, obtaining secure accomodation can underpin a sense of security, be a bedrock to build on. But it won't fix this.
*Accomodation alone cannot cure mental illness*
i read your update.
these things are solvable:
do you want to cut all contact? then do it.
—you said you blocked her number. then she calls from a different, unknown number. so OP, change your number. it’s simple. problem solved.
—she writes emails to you from different accounts. so OP, change your two emails. people change email addresses all the time. do it. you’ll have to notify several people you’re in contact with about your new email, but then it’s done. problem solved.
—yes i know she doesn’t want to choose where to live. so if you don’t want to buy her a house, don’t do it. problem solved. stop talking to others about the house idea, because that idea is gone.
—your public business-FB: there IS A WAY to set it up, so that every comment posted needs pre-approval from you, precisely because FB is very aware people can try to say ugly things on someone’s public FB.
…you can also take a break from FB, in the sense of not letting - anyone - post for now, this way you don’t even need to read through the pre-approval-posts where you might bump into your mother’s attempts to post under various accounts. same thing with LinkedIn.
—you said you don’t want to see her, help her with doctors. then don’t help her. the only way for you to help her, is for you to see her face to face, to see her real health situation.
…emails, VMs, people can fake things. but face to face, you’ll see her real health (physical, mental). she might have several physical health problems. you decided you don’t want to help her. problem solved.
———
the thing is, you haven’t really decided to cut contact - this is why you leave the door open EVERYWHERE for her to contact you (phone, email…FB…).
if you don’t want to cut contact, then do so. but own it. “i want my mother to be able to continue to harass me.”
———
OP, please see a doctor about your OCD-obsession with your mother.
Numbers blocked - but voicemails fill up and it's sick to see.Can't buy her a house - won't live there.Only thing she will accept is for me to come rescue her. Says she'll leave after she sees me. But, this is a risk. We aren't willing to do anything until she acts decently.Says she can't. So we don't. But she won't stop.Change the number and she'll go to facebook and troll on my business reputation. (I am a pubic figure for my line of work).Block her and she'll call from a different number.Block her email and she'll create new emails. She's created 5 new emails. I have 2 emails and she writes to both of them from 5 emails.She says she will not give up, she has no choice, because she needs me to survive.Keep blocking, it's a daily exercise.For those who think this is like OCD house cleaning - perhaps similar. I had real OCD where I counted. Couldn't stop. I do recognize that I have an obsession with my mother, but it's in my cells - she wired me. But, it's more than that.We are not religious, but I keep trying to give it to G-d. Say a mantra "I've done enough."I have to close all of my email accounts, but I can't close my FB or LinkedIn. Those are public. I've blocked her on those, but again, she'll create new emails. For facebook, I've resulted to only posted so that friends can see. For LI, I've checked the box so that only friends can comment.I've talked to the lawyer about the harassment letter.I've called the police. They can't do anything.They can't baker act her. I need to get an ex parte baker act but she will fake it.So, we take it day by day.This forum does help me shift my belief that I'm allowed to do this.I have to give up my fear of her and responsibility for her misery. The latter is done. The former is still there.
YOU CAN NOT HELP YOUR MOM. She is mentally ill and you have no experience in helping the mentally ill. Most of us don't.
To get Mom help, you are going to have to break all ties with Mom. Montetarily too. The motel is going to need to call the cops and tell them Mom is mentally ill and needs to be Baker Acted. That family can no longer be involved. Mom will be put on a 72 hr hold . When released, if ur called, you tell them you have done everything possible. No matter how much you do, its never enough. She just wants more and more and you can't give her what she wants. At Moms age, she will not be put on the streets. The State will take over her care.
You must block her emails. Block her phone calls. Talk to the authorities but make it clear the woman yes is your BioMom but she was never your mother. You have done as much as you can but her mental illness is effecting your mental health. She needs help that you can't give her. So at this point you need to walk completely away. She is not to contact u anymore. You would like updates knowing she is being cared for but that is it. You have to let Mom go. You will have no peace till you do. Ask your therapist to give you the tools to break way. The only way to solve this problem is to allow the State to take over and have no communication with Mom EVER. She is dead to you and you need to be dead to her.
OCD's Mom's limitations are of illness. And OCD may need professional help.
This forum can offer a place to vent, and the opinions of many people with experiences; can even offer sympathy. But we are not trained professionals with access to the entire story. OCD's mom may not be fixed/saved/whatever. But OCD an still, with help, make the choice to remove herself from habitual ways of behaving in response to her mom.
That has to be her own choice. As I said, 85 messages here over a year haven't changed much.
OCD I wish you the very best of luck going forward.
She doesn't need to be excoriated.
unfortunately, it's not possible to reason someone out of their OCD-obsession. they themselves often don't see that they're OCD-obsessed, or that there's any problem with their obsession.
it's like someone who continuously cleans the house (OCD). they don't think it's a problem. they think the problem is, that the house isn't clean. in their opinion, everyone else IS the problem for not seeing the house isn't clean.
"No, I don't want "poor me." I don't value pity. I want to know what to do now that this isn't ending and I've tried lawyer, police, blocking etc."
but i had just written to you, what you can do. and you didn't reply to any of it, as if no one - not a single person on this forum - has given you ideas what to do.
you haven't tried blocking. blocking means FOREVER blocking.
here i write again what you can do (but please keep in mind OP, you seem to be OCD-obsessed with your mother. for this reason, you didn't even reply at all to all the ideas given to you. instead, you want to continue the situation. it's not possible to get out of an OCD-obsession. please OP see a doctor again about your obsession with your mother). here again the ideas:
OP, the situation sounds really simple:
--don't want her to harass you with phone calls, or her giving your number to other people (like to the hotel, so they call you to say they're worried about your mother)? then change your number. it's really easy. get a new sim card.
--you do want to keep receiving her voice messages (VM)? don't mind that she gives your number to other people? then keep the same number.
--you can silence unknown numbers. you can take a break anytime, from reading her emails, or listening to VM.
--want to give her a house? then go ahead. she hasn't chosen where she wants to live? then choose for her, give her the house, and that's that. don't want to give her a house? then don't give her a house.
--want to help her? then help her. see her, see her health situation with your own eyes. take her to whatever doctors she needs. maybe she does urgently need help, physically and mentally, from doctors.
--don't want to help her? then don't help her.
--you still want to hear from her every now and then? then don't block her out of your life completely.
--never want to hear her again? then do so.
--you want to continue funding her stay at hotels? (you said you're funding her). then do so. want to stop funding? then do so.
--OP, you haven't seen your mother in many years. to know someone's real health situation, one has to see it with one's own eyes, face to face, for several days. want to go see her, care for her for some days? do so. don't want to know her real health situation? then don't go and see her.
I understand that don’t want your mom to become homeless. I struggled with the same issue when I tried to help my brother.
I had to walk away from my brother to protect myself and my family. He did become homeless.
Being homeless for my brother wasn’t the worst thing in his life because he met an old man that was extremely compassionate and offered him a place to stay. He took care of him when he was sick.
I wanted my brother to receive help but I knew that I couldn’t be the one to help.
This older gentleman took my brother to a wonderful hospice facility and then informed me where he was. I had the awful job of telling my mom that he was going to die. I called his children and told them as well.
He actually improved in the facility and walked out of hospice. Not long afterward though, he entered the facility again and died a few days later.
Please don’t be afraid to allow your mom to receive help from someone else. You aren’t helping her. Allow her to find help from someone else. Maybe they will take her to a place where she can receive help for her mental health issues.
She isn’t well. She needs someone to help her. Step out of the way, not only to protect yourself but to allow her to find hep.
Of course, there isn’t a guarantee that she will find help. At least, admit to yourself that you haven’t really helped her. You have only prolonged her agony by allowing her to know that there will be more money sent her way from you and your husband.
You’re not strong by holding on. It takes strength to let go. Find that strength and start focusing on your life with your husband and son.
"No, I don't want "poor me." I don't value pity. I want to know what to do now that this isn't ending and I've tried lawyer, police, blocking etc.
Maybe if you heard one of the 30 voicemails you would hear the terror, panic, anxiety and misery of a human being and maybe wonder too.
The lawyer said he has never seen a situation like this in his 30 years."
OCD, I would appreciate a direct answer to this.
Has it ever occured to you that your mom is a really good actress?
My son is an actor. He attended conservatory for both HS and College.
I've watched one of this friends do the "the knife scene" from Macbeth. I swore I could see the knife.
A talented actor can twist your emotional head anyway they desire.
This is what your mother does. She turns the drama on and off.
On for you.
Off for the cops.
On for the Hotel...until she needs to turn it off.
You are not killing her. Not talking to her isn't going to make her die
G-d will take her in Her/His own time, but YOU have no agency in her timeline.
Change your phone number and take a trip with your family. Stay in therapy.
You were abandoned as a child; you are seeking absolution for what you imagine your did to cause her to do this unthinkable thing.
You did nothing wrong. She did.
OCD, read this post over and over until it sinks in!
You know that this has gone on for way too long!
Your mom was barely around when you were growing up. Your dad was the parent that raised you.
You’ve had a huge fear of her showing up at your home in San Francisco. You keep paying her money hoping to keep her from landing on your doorstep.
Why are you desperately afraid of her showing up anyway? What harm could she possibly do?
As we have told you in the past, If she shows up at your home, call the police. Let them handle it.
What exactly have you discussed in therapy? I can’t imagine that your therapist is supportive of you continually helping your mom.
I wouldn’t even listen to her voicemails. Can’t you change your number? Block her number.
I don’t understand how your husband is coping with this situation for so long.
Even her Rabbi got tired of her antics. I don’t blame him. He is a wise man.
"The hotel manager wants her out of the hotel as she is driving her and the staff crazy. She offered to drive my mother to the airport to get her out. Recognize the way she talks to me is 100 times worse than the hotel. Hotel offered to call police as I had hesitated, yet I did but didn't do any good."
I am very proud of you that you didn't try to "rescue" your mom and let the hotel call the police.
As you noted, she presented as "fine" to the police.
So, your mom is competent, mentally ill and very annoying.
She is not your problem.
Stop sending money. Change your phone number.
Let her figure out her own life.
If you are enjoying the attention, and of remaining as a martyr - and continuing this narrative, then you have turned into someone just like your own mother.
Change your story - change the narrative - face your own issues with your mother - and move beyond it.
What I've come to really think is that you and your mother have similarities - you're mirroring her behavior of wanting to be rescued - wanting attention - and doing nothing to change the situation. You've received endless advise on this forum, but really, nothing's changed. In fact, you claimed you "were terrified for your safety" from your mother if she came to San Francisco - which you were "convinced and petrified" she was coming..., yet, she's never displayed any violence towards you - the reality is, she's a drama'queen - and even though you stated that "she'd never go to Florida and hated it", here she is now in Florida after leaving St Louis...and in fact, she's nowhere near the west coast.
~ None of your heightened words held true - People are going to become as tired of you as you've become from your own mother.
You do a lot of fortune telling ...what if's...and you're as dramatic as your mother - and you also like the control of total "boundaries" - but you still direct your husband to do the work of checking calls, etc. I personally think your control is a means of retaliating against your mother for having left when you were a teenager. And now YOU control the narrative - now, you continue to refuse to have any communication with her because you've already decided how this will play out. Is this more of a punishment towards her to completely stay away? She's craving some family now and feels isolated - totally alone - she wants to show you that she's different now and and wants to share a better relationship. You can either continue to "punish" her by removing yourself completely...and then play a martyr to others by claiming that she won't leave you alone.
If it's so "heart-wrenching" to you as you claim - in listening to her beg you to have some contact with her, then stop this madness already. Normalize the situation. You know what - you claimed that your mother was raised in dysfunction and she had her own issues...maybe that was part of the reason she left the family when she was raising you- she wasn't in a good place mentally. Maybe you need to cut her some slack and move on ...because what you are doing is some sort of pay-back to her. At this point, it looks that way. You can easily set boundaries without totally cutting her out. Maybe she'd calm down and start living her life rather than being on the edge like this. On some level, you can either exasperate the situation or try to come to terms with her and put the past behind and go live your life - in peace. It doesn't need to be all or nothing - you can have some communication and start slow and see where things lead - stand your ground when you need to, and also remain open to come contact - even to visit her. Maybe she'll wind up remaining in Florida and you can take trips for holidays, or something. You are spending more time in your cycle of endless drama in this - and nothing changed - just stop it already. Become a stronger person - deal with the issues head on - compared to the issues with others on this site for what they are having to deal with, yours is way easier and solvable. You just need to see it that way.
and i believe it's not possible to reason with OP.
i think OP is OCD-obsessed with her mother. one can't be reasoned out of an OCD-obsession. impossible.
-----
OP, please see a doctor again about your OCD.
But your mother needs it even more, she needs to be examined by more than one specialist.
Like freudian institute, analysis of resistance.
" I know she is in pure hell and anxious because she has never been able to know where to live."
It's really heart-wrenching to listen to her "I'm in prison, save me, I don't want to hurt you, I never wanted to hurt you, but I want to live and I need to see someone because I can't stand this isolation...please...please...don't let me die."
"The hard route with boundaries didn't work."
" We've still been offering her a house if she will pick a place to live, but she can't, won't, who knows. I feel it is cruel of me to let her suffer, but I don't see any way I can help her."
Do you realize your mother has been living high on the hog her whole life, in HOTELS for crying out loud, like a queen, all the while complaining she's in prison and refusing to pick a place to live? All while LIVING like royalty? While people with REAL problems who are REALLY suffering are trying to string a few hours together where they can function w/o REAL pain and REAL misery plaguing them? Your mother has led an entitled life which you've enabled, and continue to enable, by even listening to ONE voicemail she leaves you. This dysfunctional cat and mouse game should have been cut off long ago but instead has been nurtured with excuses such as "the hard route with boundaries didn't work." Of course boundaries work! Send her a copy of your and DHs "death certificates" and then change your phone numbers. That guarantees no more contact, doesnt it? You won't choose to do that bc then the game ends and there's no more histrionics to write about.
You're a willing player in a shameful game with a woman who should be out volunteering her time and good fortune in life at a children's cancer hospital instead of playing some sympathy card nobody with a healthy mind would fall for. And perhaps instead of you continuing to try to help someone who's not in NEED of help, you too should find a worthy cause to devote your time to. Volunteermatch.org is a great website to sign up with to find where you can volunteer your time and services to people truly in need. Wasting your life like this is sad, posting the same "updates" all the times where nothing changes on either side. At 78, your mother has already lived a full life which she's frittered away with complaints about "where to live" all while living in hotels all over the place. Anyone else would be grateful for such a "horrible" life, let me tell you.
I truly hope your next update is a healthier one where you've finally stopped enabling this woman to torment you for no good reason. That you've finally seen what we've been trying to show you all this time.
I am so sorry reading your post, your mother has sucked the joy out of you--we call those kind of people 'energy vampires' and she certainly qualifies.
I will address only the fact you need to take care of YOU.
EMDR (mentioned in a previous post) is hard, actually painful but one of the best therapies I ever endured. You literally 'relive' the abuse you've suffered, or the trauma, and then work forward from it to a place that's healthy--or at least healthier.
You're living your life for a woman who is a complete Narc and you're not just living it for her, you're SACRIFICING yourself for her.
Guess what? Bet she doesn't CARE.
Before you can deal with her toxic needs, you need to heal yourself. I hops you can find a good therapist ( and possibly meds) that will help you to cope better.
Mom isn't going to change. So you need to. You can still love her, but don't let her steal love--give it freely, but don't give her everything.
You're right. You can't solve it! But you can control it!!
{{Hugs}} This is hard, I know.
It’s hard and fascinating at the same time. It’s exhausting too but completely worth it.
What I hear from you is a ton of trauma spilling out. You don’t just need therapy. You need trauma therapy. IMO
Do you have enough discretionary income to buy her a house? Why would you do that even if you have the money?
As you mentioned before, the problem is with you and why you allow this. You are already doing more than what I would do. I’m glad to know you are in therapy.
Its hard. It’s so damn hard.
OCD-obsessions can't be reasoned out of. OCD-obsessions need the help of a doctor.
Anxiety is a treatable condition, but your mother has to WANT to change.
To that end, she will only be forced to get help (either by choice or involuntarily) if YOU hold the line, don't accept phone calls (change your number or block hers) so that there are NO VMs.
If someone calls on her behalf, be icy cold and sound scared of her.
Treat her like the stalker she is.
It seems like you are at the point in your journey where you actually have exactly what you want.
Think about it like this:
--you have a thoughtful, supportive husband who significantly lessens your burden by doing the "heavy lifting"
--you have the ear of a forum of strangers who continue to read and respond to you, offering solid advice, despite evidence that suggests you do not follow any of this advice.
--and most importantly, you have the smothering attention of your mother...and despite your claims to the contrary, THIS is what you seem to desire.
It seems like a win-win-win.
Why do you want this in your life? Do you know?