I have been dating my boyfriend for 5 years now, he's 21 and I'm 23. He has been taking care of his mother for about 2 and a half years, and his father recently died of ALS about a year ago. I've been paying for the majority of his meals and some things for him here and there, as I have a full time job, and he stays home to care for his mother(he gets about 500 dollars from the state to do this, helping pay utility bills at home). She gets "survivor benefits" to basically stay home and not move(this covers rent and basic needs), although I know she's capable of caring for herself. She is manipulative, spiteful, and says horrible and cruel things to him and his brothers. I'm a little frustrated, because he seems stuck. He only gets so many hours for caring for his mother, and could get a job and support her better that way, but it seems like since he gets a little money, he will stay where he is until his mother dies(she has kidney failure, but has mobility and can generally take care of herself.) I'm planning on moving in to help with costs(and to not be divided between two homes), but I'm not sure if I should if he's going to be staying home all day, not making enough for us to survive on when she passes away, or even the effort it takes to get a job. He has said many times that we should put her in a home, or find another caregiver for her while he works, and move out. He has done a couple of construction classes, and has been working(very little) on a build site recently. However, I'm worried because he says he "doesn't like working" but I can also tell he feels rejuvenated when he does work(more accomplished).I love him a lot, and this is probably more me venting than a full question, but is this situation normal? Should I be supporting him this much, or should I stay out of the picture until he gets a job that can support us in the future? I know that his mom makes it incredibly difficult for him, but I just want to be able to start our futures together, and she doesn't seem like she'll be gone anytime soon. Is moving in a good option?
My answer would have been the same as earlier.
My door would always be open for when she needed to escape to save herself. Ashlyn, is that you?
Please don't make me fully explain my former psychiatrist's reasoning for this concept.
Because I won't. The poster has not returned, has already moved in by now, or would be writing back thanking us for our experienced advice. The rationale she used was: "What do those nosy, old biddies know, it won't happen to me....duh...."
Let it go already !!!
As someone here said so well, just because you "love" someone, doesn't mean that s/he is the right person to spend your life with. You can love him all you want, but don't pay him for the privilege and don't intertwine your life with his.
Been there, done that, mostly because it was "easier" than creating a life of my own. This does not end well for anyone.
A. You are going to do what you are going to do.
The really great young person I told this to once divorced within a year.
Ask yourself some questions, then you decide:
Does he carry a backpack, keeping it near him at all times?
Are you dependent on him for anything?
Why do you want to spend your money on him instead of saving it for yourself?
Is your boyfriend the only one interested in you for sex, or are you deserving of a man who will love you, even marry you within the next two years (arbitrary number, but shorter than 5 years of dating?
Do you secretly desire marriage but are going about it all wrong, thinking you will change him?
Is there any reason why you don't want to be happy?
Why did you ask your question, having doubts about what is real?
If you move in, are you still going to come to us for advice?
Question: The MANY responses to your question are overwhelmingly in favor of getting away from the situation fast...As in NOW fast..
Aside from your emotional needs of wanting something better for yourself in this complicated situation with a bad current homelife, are you STILL trying to figure out how to make it work (somehow.) ?
I can tell you how to make it much worse: Move in and have a baby...
If you follow YOUR own best thinking you may find that it was not good thinking...I suggest you follow the BEST thinking of those who are offering advice in this thread...We've been there...Experience is a hard schoolmaster...we all have offered you better suggestions. A homeless shelter may be better for you than continuing to live at home with mean stepdad or with "all play no work" BF....Rent a room in an established family situation...offer to do some house work to reduce your cost....find a couple of stable folks and go together and be roommates in a modest apartment. I was 23 once. Seems like yesterday..Now I'm 80...Made a few more good decisions than bad ones along the way but had I listened to wisdom of experienced other folk, I'd have had a smoother ride until now..
Grace + Peace,
Bob
Good luck.
You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders despite not having good role models to watch and learn from in your own home. Moving in with your BF and his mother will be a H-U-G-E step in the wrong direction.
You are so very young and articulate! Invest in yourself rather than in their home. Spend your money on yourself rather than enabling their dysfunctional relationship. Put your money into what you can control - yourself and your behavior and your choices and your decisions and your life - rather than becoming the third wheel in their family.
I think that if I were in your boyfriend's situation, I don't think that I would want someone that I cared about to move in with me. I think I would want better for them. I'd question his motivations. Oh, also, don't forget to check on the benfits she's receiving. If you or your boyfriend make too much money, it could cut her benefits, because the household may have too much income. That would actually be a huge concern for me.
Strike out on your own with a roommate or two. Or perhaps a situation where you rent a room in someone's home (someone established, like a retiree or professional who travels for work.....not a flophouse or craigslist "commune."). Would you consider being a live-in nanny?
At any rate, find an affordable living situation that is not linked to your family or BF's family. Be financially independent. And direct your income at your needs -- not anyone else's.
Try dating BF, crazy as it sounds. No financial support. No co-caregiving. Just dating. This means that you two spend time together on your own terms. This also means that an evening at his/mom's house watching Netflix while Mama cries out for this and that is not a date. Understand?
There is a good chance that BF is too enmeshed with his mother to be a true partner and true companion to you. If that's the case, cut ties. It will be difficult, because he is all you know. But you will be the better for it.
It is time for you to start YOUR life. Not a shadow of someone else's. I also urge to to find some no-cost or low-cost counseling. Check your city and county resources. Your home life has, unfortunately, conditioned you to not value yourself. Without professional support, you will continue to shortchange yourself by setting the bar too low. Break the cycle now.
I wish you luck. This is not easy. But quite frankly, you are too young to be somebody's paycheck and ad-hoc nurse's aid. You deserve to live your life -- for you, on your own terms.
One poster touched on the fact that you might have to care for your parents at some point. Yes, your stepfather is wealthy, but what if he dies and his money doesn't go to your mother? Then what happens to her? Will you be responsible for her? Certainly if she knows your are caregiving for a boyfriend's mother, it will be expected by all that you will do the caregiving for her. And what if your mother dies first? I certainly hope you won't be guilted into caregiving for your abusive stepfather?
Age 23 is a great time to start knowing yourself better, and to respect yourself more. There is a big world out there, and you deserve better than some 21 year-old who puts up with abuse from his mother (and who expects that you will put up with it, also).