But since we moved it seems my mom will not do anything anymore. She expects me to do everything for her. Then she tells me I do not do a thing for her. My husband is now on edge. When we had our house & mom's at least I could go hide at one of the homes for a break. My husband is retired now. I work full time in healthcare. For 4 years now I've cared for my mom. So he's been alone a lot. This was why we decided to find a place for all of us. I thought it would be easier for me. Boy I was wrong. My husband seems to think I sit on my butt all the time. The thing is I have health issues and blood clots and my left leg swells and I need to elevate it. I been having to do this since my car accident in 1973..I was 18. I am now 65. I have always been a hard worker and everyone forgets I have health issues. Since we moved in together my husband has ben on my butt for just about everything.. mom has tv to loud. mom does not help. blah blah blah. It escalates & next thing I know hes yelling at me for sitting around and says not very nice things to me in front of mom.. of course mom does not say a word cuz she does not want to get in the middle. but it would be nice for some back up at times. My husband thinks he is never wrong and continues to argue . then he continues saying things to mom. It hurts me a lot. I feel trapped. I have no time to enjoy anything when im off work. My husband expect me to do the shopping, cook, clean... Have any friends? not anymore.. no time for any fun. Husband comes and goes all day long. I never get on him. Then my mom wants me to take her to casino or shopping. But im tired and just got off work. or mom has doctor appt for me to take her. Im stressed and burnt out. Now with the CIVID 19 stay home orders its even worse. im the only one leaving to go to work as I work in hospital. I work 3 or 4 nights 12 hours long a week. my husband says all I do is sleep all day? DUH.. I work night. He is just being very mean, disrespectful. He says he will do what he wants to at the house. Like I have no say. We all pay our part but it does not matter hes gonna find something to complain about. He takes naps wants all radio or tv turned off as he lays on couch to nap. So there mom sits... or me. But I try to go out to garage to work on a craft project. When we moved in he promised me a craft area. that did not happen. He has his corvette in garage and set up his work area on one side of garage. I have a little corner to try to be creative & do my stained glass or paint. Then inside he has his puzzle table set up in living room so he can do puzzles. it takes up a good part of the room. Then he also decided to take the extra bedroom for his self for his things... Then we have a travel trailer he has set up to escape into when he wants. Then he is in and out of the master when im trying to sleep. it just a mess and if I say anything to him it starts a fight. He tells me Im a mean person and better shape up. It brings me to rears. He needs to understand that he is being a bully, I just feel sick to me stomach. My mom just sits there & keeps quiet. or she tells me I don't help her. I packed up her entire mobile home and cleaned it she did nothing, I hurt my leg doing it. She expects me to do for her & she will not compensate me at all. I have to take off work when she fell.. Lost wages.. still have my part of the bills to pay. My mom has money. After the sale of mobile she was going to give me $20,000 but then she decided she did not want to help me after all. My mom & dad use to help my brother, who passed away, out bought him cars, down payment on house, gave him family electric business. I got nothing. When my brother did jobs for mom she paid him cuz its his livelihood. Well what about my livelihood? I would love to retire. But I hardly have anything saved up for retirement. This causes issues with hubby too. He likes to control me.? but he says I control him. I am a mess!!
This will not get better if you don't get to the root of the problem.
My opinion is...this is not working and Mom has to go. Hopefully, she gave no money towards buying the house. If she is capable of doing for herself, get her a nice apartment. If she needs help doing certain things then an Assist. Living if she can afford it. You and DH don't seem to be happy and Mom just sits there wanting to be waited on. It was said by another member its not that you are enabling, you are disabling. By not making Mom do what she can for herself ur disabling her and it will only get worse.
And then its you. If you are a CNA or a Nurse you are in the worst profession for someone with ur health problems. Do you have to work? Your 65, at 66 u can collect 100% of ur SS and now u have Medicare.
You need to set boundries with Mom. It may be easier and faster to have you wait on her but she needs to do as much as she can by herself. "Mom, I moved you in with me to make things easier not to be at your beck and call. I am not your slave. I work a demanding job. I can't be there for you 24/7. What would you do if u were still in ur own home? Thats what you need to do here."
Your husband/marriage is your first priority. I'm no counselor but I do recommend you go see a marriage counselor. Since many husbands are resistant to the thought of counseling, you might want to negotiate a deal with him: he helps and supports you in moving your mom out (this will alleviate much of the physical, emotional, financial and marital stress) then he agrees to attend counseling with you for as long as it takes. Barb is correct that you must set up boundaries right away. Your husband has become accustomed to you pulling more of your share of the load and now he is "spoiled" and can't understand why he needs to do more. It's because you trained him to believe this. Please take care of your health. I wish you peace in your heart today and success in the long run!
Has your husband always been this much of a jerk or is this a recent change in his mental status? Any possibility there is the beginnings of dementia setting in?
There is a book I want you to order from Amazon. It's called Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud.
Before it comes, here is one piece of advice. Stop expecting change from anyone else. You need to change.
You might start by not doing any more housework or cooking.