My husband and I both moved away from our home state for various reasons (college, work) in our early 20’s. We ended up moving permanently to in 2007. In 2015, I was able to convince my parents (which was very difficult) to move closer to us because I am close with my mom and I had 2 kids they wanted to live near.
My husband, out of the blue, was called by a recruiter for an amazing career opportunity several states away. He went to the interview and out of only 2-3 applicants, he got the job. This is one of those jobs that, for a 30-something year old, doesn’t come up often. Great career growth and much more pay.
My parents are extremely hurt and angry that my husband would consider leaving, uprooting the family and moving them to another state since they moved down here for us. I’m struggling because I feel the pull from both ends. I’m very close with my mom but I see the amazing opportunity my husband has been presented (not to mention the financial security in the future).
My parents, and I to a point, are concerned they will lose their bond with their grandkids too. They have another option to not be alone and move to be with my brother and his family who have no plans at all in leaving.
I feel so guilty leaving for so many reasons. They’re aging and I have always felt I’d be the one to take care of them. And yet, I have a family & future of my own to consider.
Also, the relationship between my mother and husband have shifted terribly. They blame each other for one reason or another.
I am so distraught by this and would value each and every opinion/thought out there.
Thank you for taking the time to read my story!!
Do you have a good support system there - friends, church, good schools, activities or are your parents the ONLY thing keeping you there? If there are other things you like or love about where you are currently living, I'd pass on the out of state job.
If your parents can and are willing to move to where your brother is located, that would be my second vote.
They need to plan for aging - a plan that does not depend 100% on their daughter who has her own family to support.
Read some of the stories on here about others who became slaves and destroyed their finances and health doing so.
Nonetheless, if the opportunity is as good as you say and that much better than what you have now for future security, then it seems right for your husband to take it.
I doubt that the bond with your kids and their grand parents will be broken. They have had 4-5 years of living close which I am sure has given much opportunity for interaction and sharing.
I understand your concern for your parents as they are aging and that you feel a burden for their care. I would wait till things calm down a bit before discussing now to handle their aging in terms of your role and your bros role. Is he on board with that?
Can you assure them of X number of visits a year to maintain bonds?
I also understand that they have hard feelings but am sorry your mum is taking it out on your husband.
Wishing you all the best in working this through with everyone.
I would explain to your parents that this is a decision between your husband and you whether to move or not. That you understand that your parents will miss you. And miss the grandkids. That this will be a difficult decision. That you will weigh ALL that is involved and make the best decision you are able, but UNTIL that decision is made it is best for you not to discuss it with them.
It would have been better to make the decision and then tell them one way or the other. There is no way not to feel torn by this. It means loss either way. Loss of an opportunity or loss of family connection. Come to a conclusion in your own mind. Do YOU want to make this move. Then discuss with hubby, come to conclusion. Then tell your parents the conclusion. Will there be tears and possible hard feelings? Sure. That's life. And on you go doing the best with it you are able. No good answer sometimes. Not everything has an ideal outcome.
Honestly your parents are being selfish. They could move with you guys to the new city or visit on a regular. They are not your responsibility but your husband and children are. Tell them they are wrong to blame your husband for doing what is right for his family..
If they want to be close to the grandkids but not move then get them a grandpa's and let the video chat as often as they see them now and help them financially if that is needed to visit.
Of course be gentle when you address them in love to help them see that the same way they did what was best for them when they got married that though u love them u must do the same. Hugs and prayers
My parents could have moved back East to be close to us, but the cost of living was high so they moved to Florida instead. They were quite happy there and came to visit a couple times a year.
Stop allowing the guilt card to be used here and take this opportunity for your family. Celebrate, don't mourn. Your parents have the option to move as well.... it's not like you are going to the moon. They choose how to perceive this situation..... as a blessing for you or a curse for themselves.
How are YOU going to perceive it?
Best of luck!
If this is an opportunity that you and husband feel you can't give up, then take it. No, money isn't everything but it makes things easier especially when there r children. Its only been 5 years since ur parents moved from NY. They could move back, move to your area or move near brother. My GF lived in the suburbs and loved it.
Its really not fair of your parents to lay a guilt trip on you. This is not something your husband went looking for, they came to him. He must be very good at what he does.
I told him that their offer sounded too good to be true. I urged him to insist on nothing less than a 5 year contract. He didn't listen. He lost that career. It took years for him to get back on track. He drained all his savings keeping himself and his family afloat while he reinvented himself, which he has now done but golly, he endured everything along the way including severe depression.
Money isn't everything but it sure does help, right?! If your husband's offer sounds too good to be true, it may be too good to be true. I agree with writing a list of pros and cons. If a pro is a long-term contract, that's a good indicator that the company sees your husband being part of its future. Then it would make sense to move. Your parents can visit. You can visit.
I don't have kids myself, but most every well-adjusted parent I know, no matter their age, says the same thing: "I just want my kids to be happy." They want to see their adult children be happy, thriving, and moving up in the world. Sure the changes are hard, but all it means is a new normal. You're not moving across the world here.
When you moved, it wasn't carved in stone, was it? You're still young and the job world is different than it was in your parents' day. Back then, someone began working at a company in their 20s/30s and stayed until retirement. I read somewhere the average time a person stays in one company now is 3-7 years. Your folks may not realize how it is now.
To answer a questions asked, my parents are 71 & 66 yo. They are very family-oriented and tend to rely on their kids and grandkids for their happiness. My parents don't have a happy marriage, never have. So, I believe a solid source of that happiness are their children and grandchildren. My mother is very upset because she thought she was moving as a permanent residence to be with family. I feel awful because I remember begging her to move and now I am leaving. I guess I am having a tough time getting over that one. They envisioned their lives here, have all their doctors here, etc and I feel like I am taking that away from them. It seems so very complicated.
Also, someone else asked about my kids ages: 5 & 7 yo.
Whatever you decide, decide for YOURSELF and your KIDS. They can always choose to stay where they already have roots, Right? Think of how excited they will be to come visit!
My husband just retired at 70. I am looking for early retirement at 55 in a few years. We would like to move close to one of the kids to help when grand kids arrive. But I also know they are young and early on in a career so the possibility of multiple moves could happen. I can deal with that but I know once we move my husband will not want to move again. Being close to family is more important to me than location.
You talked your parents into joining you. But they're adults. It was their choice.
Your husband has this amazing opportunity. More amazing than the life you're already building in TN?
And what do YOU want?
I think you should probably stop trying to keep everybody happy and have a closer look at what is best* for your own immediate family, especially your children. And let others do the same.
*"Best" does not necessarily mean exciting glamorous rare job opportunity that a headhunter flatters you into accepting. What hard-nosed research into this potential employer has your husband done?
Same here: I had to move to NC for lots of good reasons and leave my mom in RC in PA. Its a twelve hour drive.
When I live din Pa I visited her EVERY DAY. Now I see her at best twice a year. I am a caregiver for my husband, etc.
It is very hard but you are not alone. I console myself with the fact that my mom sleeps almost 24/7 and is really only "present" during my visits for about ten minutes. Then she just wants to go back to bed.
Just one thought: they moved for you once. Why not ask them/help them to do it again?
Right now we are stuck living in a cold climate because my MIL is here, but our kids are out on their own and my MIL is in her 90's. So we can put her first
please don’t plan your life around their happiness...only THEIR attitudes are responsible for that.
you are making this harder than it needs to be.
Let them know they are welcome to move closer to you again but you made Vows to your DH and you intend to honor them.
My parents followed me when I made a dream of my DH's come true, I brought him back home to his birthplace. My father was never prouder of me than when I told him I was going to help my DH follow his dream. My mother found excuses to move closer to my new home, 1200+ miles away. 8 weeks later, we were all together again.
YOU must decide to Honor your husband ahead of your parents - and tell them. We leave our parents to join with our spouses and make a new family.
That being said, they will adjust. They will realize it was their choice to move close to you and they also love you sooooo much as well as those beautiful grandchildren you have given them. We as parents have to realize our kids have their own lives. A hard lesson for me has been that what I want for my kids may not be what they want and I must accept that.
Go with your husband, live and love the life you have both worked for and deserve. Mom and dad will be okay and as long as visits occur and facetime happens. All will survive and thrive. It will be different than what they had thought, but believe me, life goes on even if your kids move away.
Good luck and blessings to you and your family.
Moving when you're in your 30's is great, but repeatedly moving in your 60's and 70's is a different ballgame. It's expensive and stressful. They should have held their ground and not gone. Now they probably don't know what to do...go back to NY? Follow you again? What if this job doesn't work out or what if it leads to another job in tin buck two.
Your parents need to decide where they want to spend the last season of their lives regardless of what you and your husband are doing.
A healthy way for them to have reacted to this news would have been to have either a spirit of adventure (“Here we go again!”) or in gratitude (“We were loved enough to be included and we had a wonderful 5 years.”)
Replying here was good for me.
I may face this in my future—I want to be a healthy and positive grandparent for all my grandkids!
By the way, my husband did a lot of work in Pittsburg and loved his travels there. The people were so down to earth and connected...they drew him in and made him feel like family. It’s one of the few places he invited me to join him—the William Penn hotel is exquisite and the seafood restaurant on the hilltop overlooking the rivers was scrumptious! All the best to you all.
There are several offers I have made for my parents after this happened:
-we would pay for their move including the complete moving package where the moving company packs/boxes all of their items;
-I am planning on staying with my kids for an additional school year in order to help my parents prepare for a potential move to MO to be closer with my brother and his family;
-I offered paying for a furnished location in Pittsburgh for when they come to visit;
-we even offered to buy a 3rd car so when they come to visit they will have their own transportation.
My mother is not interested (right now) in taking me up on any of these except for allowing us to remain in her home until we are ready to go in May 2021 when the school year is over for my kids. It was very difficult for my husband to agree to a separation but he tried to understand my POV and work with me. Since we are both making sacrifices, I felt my husband could help me out by allowing me the extra time to make peace with my situation here in Nashville.
I am shocked that you aren’t moving with him in May 2020. Rethink that, please. Your kids don’t need a move looming over them for 1 1/2 years, unless you truly think it may be a temporary location for your husband.
I'm not sure you or your children or your husband will be happy with waiting a year to get back together. It may even be harder for you to leave after one year of living that close with them in their house. To me, this does not sound very healthy for your marriage or family.
Does your happiness depend on your mother being happy?
I have 3 grown children and at present 3 grandchildren. They are in Texas,Utah and California. My husband and I cannot imagine ourselves living in those states. We might consider the Utah one but we would be back to living with snow which we don't want. I very much wish I lived closer to at least one child but it will not be the case at least anytime soon. They visit us and we visit them.
If your parents will feel isolated with your move then they have the option of considering moving to where one of their children are and where their grandchildren are. While certainly not always the case a true sense of happiness would be their feelings for the success of their children.
THIS is reality, not what OP's mom wants. I'm not even that far from my kids and one grandchild, but the long drive is difficult for me - I wish I could visit more, but it is what it is. I would want my son to chose the best place he can provide for his family and raise his son, NOT what I want! I had my time. If he had a better opportunity across the country and wanted to move, I would NOT object. It is their life and future.
The mother sounds like she is running this circus. She won't consider any of the offers made EXCEPT the one that keeps daughter and grandkids IN their house for {at least} another year and a half! IF she were taking up the offers in addition to the delay of the move, maybe extend the stay to end of school year THIS year, but since all other offers have been thrown on the floor, the last part of the deal should be off the table as well.