Moving both parents to ALF tomorrow, what to expect?
Exactly one year ago I posted a question about knowing "disaster" would eventually strike for my mom with moderate AD and dad as her caregiver at home. I took your advice. I researched communities and had one picked out and a backup. I ensured mom and dad had their POA documents signed. Fortunately, two weeks ago my sister and I had taken both parents to the preferred ALF and had them sign initial paperwork.
Well, the triggering event came last week when dad was diagnosed with heart failure and doctor told him to go to ER for treatment. Mom cannot drive him, so I stepped in.
What ensured was drama I never wanted. I was on the way to the hospital with both parents. I planned to stay in a nearby one-story hotel with mom while dad was hospitalized and was told by doctors it would be roughly 3 days. While on the way to the hospital, mom started talking gibberish. She was screaming for someone to help her. I reached out to touch her and became hostile. She was not pronouncing words, it was just garbled-gook. Then she would look at me and ask what was wrong with her. Dad mentioned she collapsed earlier that day and might have hit her head. Since we were at the hospital and mom was mumbling nonsense, I asked for her to also be examined. Long story short, mom was not having a stroke as they expected. It seems to be just mom losing language as her disease progresses. Both parents ended up being hospitalized the entire week for various reasons.
Dad not only has COPD and heart failure, but doctors said he recently had a mild heart attack, He was also diagnosed with A-fib, and tested positive for covid. Mom was low on potassium and had a UTI. Both are to be released tomorrow. How they both made it through, I have no idea. (Resilience like this is another aspect I question, but will save that for another post.)
During their hospitalization, I finalized the paperwork for the ALF and began moving in furniture from their house. It is all set for me to pick them up from the hospital tomorrow and drop them off into their new apartment.
I am cutting the story short and leaving out lots of drama and other details of family dysfunction. However, the main point is I seized a window of opportunity to finally get them to an ALF to get support I have seen they deeded for a long time. They will be safe. They will have 3 meals daily and dad will not be driving and getting lost in his hometown anymore.
I do not want to fill the gaps in their life they refuse to acknowledge. I have let several things just go in the past and let them stew in their own juices, or let karma come for them. I stepped in to get them to an ALF because I knew a third party would eventually intervene otherwise and it would be harder on me.
I hope much of my worries the past few years have been addressed, but likely they will be replaced with new ones. What can I expect next? Any tips for managing self-care during this new phase? I have been too hands-on through all this, and I just want to step back again.
Thank you.
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i would suggest a few things the first month 1) meet with director of nursing to review their care plan. If needed meet in a month to review it again and what changes need to be made. 2) visit in the beginning a few times - one facility told me some residence are just left and they are trying to make a huge adjustment and family will help with the transition and their happiness. 3) thank the ones who will show compassion and care to your parents, and you’ll figure that out. 4) I had a ring camera which state allowed both video and audio. I didn’t turn it on often but gave them notice and me that I could look at anytime. I would look before I called my mom to make sure she wasn’t in another room and may try “getting” to the phone and fall. Also, aides would call and say “she’s lost her denture, can you tell on the camera where she walked.” Once a few weeks go by, they will have their routine and making friends. You’ll start to have relief and your freedom back.
ALFs are good especially if the resident can engage with the activities. I wish you the best because caregiving is extremely difficult. Luckily, they are a couple and can help navigate together.
Your above statement says it all. Whenever you're about to get sucked in and think you have to do whatever + 10%, remind yourself that you don't. Do less. They'll be fine (or as fine as possible under the circumstances).
You have to pick them up tomorrow and move them into their apartment. Your dad is positive for Covid. You need to tell management at their destination that he has it. Do that right away. Protect yourself and protect all the other innocent souls in his new place. They don't deserve to get Covid! It's still killing people, particularly the elderly. In fact, I wonder if he'll be discharged, considering.
Your parents are very blessed to have you, remember that when this feels hard and heartbreaking.
Regarding self-care, take some time for yourself now. When they are settled go on a vacation. You need it.
Wishing you all the best with your journey. It isn't easy handling the needs of two people.
Tell them they need to live where there are nurses to keep an eye on them .
My husband and I moved them into ALF Feb 9.
They are still adjusting. They won’t use the help and Dad can’t give up his old habits of helping her, dressing her, getting her meals, etc. His health is rapidly declining. She is accepting where she is (although she has asked to move in with us a few times), Dad not so much. He misses his home, his friends, his freedom.
It will take some time for our parents to adjust, and we need to be patient and let the staff and facility do what they do best. They are getting the best care, with meds, meals, activities, etc.
I was told by the director not to visit so often, so they could adjust to the facility, and not depend on me so much, even for socializing. They need to meet new friends, and if I’m there they won’t leave apartment.
It’s very hard, but I know they’re right. I was going every day. Now I go on Tuesdays and Thursdays. They seem to be doing better the last couple weeks. I pray you and your parents have some peace with this move. It’s the hardest thing I’ve had to do. I know what you’re going though.
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