My 93 yro mom went from ER/hospital stay/rehab in FL due to a fall. We have moved her to GA after leaving rehab to live near me (but currently living with me while we found the right AL facility and her hand fractures heal). She has moderate dementia, too, and can handle most ADL's. We chose a very nice AL facility, have had lunch there and saw the apt for a 3rd time yesterday. Of course, one morning she's in and willing to try, the afternoon the story changes and gets in a cycle of not making change (and I get that). She does not want to live with us, and I remind her that she liked the apt we have seen, less than 5 miles from my house, etc.

Well, it's time to move her and I'm wondering if anyone can offer their experience to a similar situation. I am her POA (daughter) and handle all of her finances, and she trusts me. Anyway, right now, I'm going with this is what you said you were willing to try for a couple of months so we are moving ahead with getting you set up. Of course, I'm feeling overwhelmed and afraid of what her first night by herself might be like yet they have reassured me at the AL, that that's what they do best. Get the residents through the transition. That said, I would appreciate any suggestions that could possibly help with moving forward instead of getting caught up in the one afternoon she's willing, and the next morning not so much. Hope this makes sense. I have so appreciated this forum for support so thanks in advance.

From what I’ve seen with family members going through this, the repeated conversations about moving and the AL place only heighten the anxiety and lead to those back and forth “I’m willing, I’m not willing” exchanges over and over. I’d encourage you to talk with mom about other topics. Make sure her room in AL is set up with her familiar things and, hard as it is, take her on the appointed day and trust the staff with the transition. You both have a big adjustment ahead, but keep reminding yourself that you’re acting in mom’s best interests and she’s trusted you to do so. I wish you both peace
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to Daughterof1930

You will most likely read advice on the forum about the room.

My mom lived with me, in my home, for 5 years. I set her ALF room up with the same bedspread, her favorite personal items, framed pictures of loved ones and used a ptouch to put their names on the bottom of the frames. Mom could remember her loved ones faces but could not remember names. I left notes and had white boards reminding her she was loved. With all that, she never transitioned well. She was an introvert and did not like the social aspect. She was too strong for memory care and not strong enough for an ALF.

Personality does have a significant impact on their adjustment. I saw many new folks move in and embrace the ALF.

Take one day at a time. It was the hardest thing I have ever done but can be a wonderful way to enjoy a mother daughter relationship again rather than a caregiver relationship.

Best of luck to you and keep us informed on your progress.
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Reply to Msblcb

You must remain firm with your mother, it is no longer about her "Wants" it is about her "Needs"!

What you are experiencing is very common as her brain is broken, she is beyond making sound decisions.

Trust your AL team, they have done this before. It is generally asked that the LO's stay away or limit their visits for the first several weeks so. The LO needs time to acclimate to their new home.

Yes, once there she will want to go home, yes, she will hate the food and so on. Believe me, they all do the same thing unless they are like my mother a social butterfly, who loves AL, she has made many new friends, joins all the activities and bus trips.

What you can do is to not try and fix everything, set your boundaries and stick to them. You are now the decision maker for your mother.

She is where she needs to be right now, in the future it is most likely that she will have to be moved to MC. I have one in MC as well!

Sending support your way, know that you are doing the right thing.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to MeDolly

Your mother’s dementia will only get worse. She can not make appropriate decisions regarding her care needs.
So far you are doing great !! Keep it up .
Do not give in and let Mom change her mind.
Do not give in and bring Mom back home again , it is then so much harder to get them out of the house again later.
Ask the facility , but most say not to visit everyday in the beginning. Let Mom be forced to adjust to the fact that this is where she lives now , rather than just waiting for a visit everyday from you .
Good Luck . Keep coming back here if Mom gives you trouble .
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to waytomisery

Ask the facility what they think is best for your mom. Have her room set up the way you would like it to be so it’s comfortable for her.

She has seen her facility so she knows what to expect. Still, it’s normal to have some fear of the unknown. Transitional times are hard for everyone involved.

It’s normal for you to be feeling anxious. I’m glad that you found a facility near to your home. You won’t have to travel a long distance to see your mom.

Wishing you and your mom all the best.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to NeedHelpWithMom

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