My mother had a phone call out of the blue from A. Mother asked A who gave her the phone number. A said it was B, her son, my brother. Mother was cross as she does not have B's own phone number (he writes nice letters quite frequently and calls her about twice a year but for some reason won't give her his number and has asked me not to). She felt he had no right in these circumstances to give out her number without permission. She became increasingly concerned about this and asked me (her daughter and LPA) to email my brother and say she was cross and would he ask permission first. I did this politely and suggested (as there have been issues between B and our mother ) that he might want to say sorry for the mistake to prevent any further trouble between them. B went ballistic. Emailed me loads of abuse, called me a liar, wicked, used weird over-the-top language in reply to a polite and friendly email. He said I had made this up, was trying to cause trouble and that mother loved him and would never be cross with him about this or anything else - and anyway, he did not give A the number it was someone else: C. He contacted A and got her to swear she didn't tell mother he gave her the number, that it was C, and to say that mother must have misheard her on the phone. Because of a huge unpleasant muddle now on the family grapevine with C getting the blame, my mother has has now denied asking me to pass on the initial message and says she doesn't mind who has her phone number! Fine, I'm prepared to weather being the family baddie for the time being but my mother, it seems, isn't going to rest until I apologise to my brother and to A and C for making trouble. She expects me to smooth it all out and she is waiting to hear from them that I've done this. I'm unsure how to soothe mother who certainly didn't expect all this trouble any more than I did (I should have let her write to him herself, I realise this now). She is obsessing about it and keeps phoning people up to ask what is happening now - what's the situation etc etc. NB: the abuse I had emailed to me was so vitriolic and was such an out of the blue shock that I had a bad angina attack which actually prevented me from visiting mother as planned this week. Neither A or B ever visit mother but they do write to her which gives her pleasure. I would like to settle this without sacrificing my own integrity which I am not prepared to do. Sensible and kind solutions welcomed!
Increased anxiety about just about everything was the major outward symptom we saw in my mom's cognitive decline.
Your situation has been a shock to you but everything can be a chance to respond differently next time (if you want).
If your goal was to untangle the mess, you may have decided it's not actually your job. I hope so - as your own health is so very important.
But if your goal is to smooth Mother - that may be done, in a somewhat sneaky way instead. A soothing tone, confident manner & a hand sweep "Oh that silly mix up... that's all sorted. Don't worry about it one more second." Then quickly move the conversation on.
Some folk find the benefits of smoothing outway a few white lies (therapeaudic lies).
Teepa Snow has many YouTube's on strategies to deal with dementia behaviour if that is what you are (or will be) dealing with.
Personally, I think you crossed the line when you took it on yourself to tell B to apologise. The fact that as it turned out B had nothing to do with the offence in question isn't the issue. It's that you chose to take a moral line on it.
And you were surprised that B took this in bad part? His resulting vitriol may have been disproportionate but what did you expect? - that he'd meekly comply with your recommendation?
Don't attempt to settle this. It won't go well. The lesson to take from the whole ghastly episode is that if mother wishes to communicate with anyone in future she can do it herself.
The mere fact that B feels relations with his mother are much improved by her not being able to telephone him does seem like a bit of a clue, mind you.
On the other hand... How good *is* your mother's hearing?
I asked someone once "did you sleep well?"
Reply "What?? Do my feet smell???"
Forget about it. As you said , you are the current baddie.
I would tell them you are the bad guy in their book? Fine? But now you don't want to hear ANYTHING ABOUT THIS EVER AGAIN, and they get to talk to one another and straighten it out or NOT, but they are NOT allowed to mention it to you. If they don't wish to communicate with you at ALL tell them that this will considerable lighten an already overfilled "dance card" and they are on their own. Have a great day. I mean tell THEM to have a great day, and the fact THEY are all out of YOUR day will automatically improve YOUR day.
Sorry. I am furious at ALL of them. What a bunch. Let them squabble among themselves and step away. FAR AWAY.
Be aware though, if Mom has a Dementia, that things like this will happen more often. In the early stage they lose shortterm memory, so Mom may have forgotten what she said to you and misunderstood B for C. She will lose her ability to reason and the ability to process what she is saying. You will be the bad guy.
I'd stay clear of any relaying of messages between family members and your mother. Don't smooth anything over or try to make peace with everyone because the situation and those involved in it will only come down harder on you. If they want to communicate with her, then they can do so directly themselves. Stay far away from that, my friend. And... don't apologize to any of them. Not your mother, your brother, or whoever 'C' is.
You didn't do anything wrong and have no reason to apologize. So don't.
Get out of the kitchen.
Apologize all around for upsetting everyone and then stop carrying messages. Lesson learned.
I hate being placed in the middle of other family members’ issues!
Whenever my mom would ask me personal questions about other family members, I quickly told her, “Why are you asking me about them? If you want information about them, speak to them directly. Do on place me in the middle!”
I have a cousin who does with family members.
She finally figured out that I will not give her information.
Usually every neighborhood has a person like this too.
There is a woman who rides her bicycle around in mine.
She sees people outside and wants to know ‘all the scoop’ on everyone!
I tell her nothing! She asked me how were my neighbors paying their bills after the dad got laid off from work.
I told her, “I am so happy that you are interested in helping the neighbors out with their bills.”
Her face turned red as a beet as she rode off on her bicycle!
Once, she confided in me that her husband told her that the reason that she never kept friends is because she was always minding everyone’s business and telling secrets.
So no one spoke to this woman.
I referred to her as the ‘wicked witch of the West’ from Wizard of Oz!
Others called her Mrs. Kravitz from Bewitched. Hahaha
Do not allow anyone to place you in the middle of issues.
So, if I were you, I would apologize to both your mom and brother - to the effect of "I'm sorry that this has upset both of you so much; since I seemed to have made matters worse, in the future I will leave the two of you to sort out your differences directly and stay out of it." I would send it in an email to both of them, and then if they continue on with this situation, gently but firmly tell them you will NOT discuss it any further and if they have a problem with each other, they need to talk to each other about it. You only need to apologize once - don't fall into the trap of being made to feel this is all your fault.
No offense intended to you, but this sounds like so much high-school drama to me. Remove yourself from it, ASAP.