My 64 yr old mom wants to live with me and my family.
My mom is 64. I'm 40. She wants to live with me and my family “because she is lonely, sick and old”. She reminds me that she is sick and old every single day and thinks she is going to die soon and will never “live the life she always wanted”. (She survived breast cancer 15 years ago, and has a mild artritis.) She wants to be with us at our home and follows us everywhere: when we go to a boardwalk, playground, movies, restaurant or just visit our friends etc. When I try to “escape”, she gets offended and cries and says she is not needed and unwanted and she is a “burden”. She starts having fake heart attacks, claims she is about to die and so on. I feel guilty when she does that. My husband is there for me but he gets pissed occasionally. We let her live for 3-6 months with us here and there and then gently make her leave. It never goes easy since she gets so much offended and complaints to all my friends and tells stories about me and my husband. She travels like this between her home and our home since she was 50 and my father passed away. She has very negative view of life and people surrounding her, and expresses her negative opinions nonstop. She teaches me life and how I should upbring my little kids. When she lives with us she wants us to pay her expenses. She interferes with my chores and everything I want to do around my house. When I try to set the boundaries, she makes me feel very guilty and emotionally drained. I feel unhappy, and claustrophobic and I don't want to go home after work. I started using laxapro and xanox to fight my depression but the meds do not help the situation completely. I feel like I live in prison all these years and I cannot escape from it. What can I do?
Start to break the cycle by going to therapy.
Encourage your mother to see a doctor for evaluation and treatment of her depression.
You can say to mom (on the phone)
"Mom, I'm sorry you're so unhappy, but you're unhappy even when you're with me. Please get some help for your unhappiness. I can't fix that--only you can."
What mom needs is a metaphorical good, swift kick in the a$$. So give her one for her own good. My mother is exactly like you describe your mother only much older and has been this way since I was a little kid. The negativity, the neediness, the opinions, and all of the above. For many years I felt guilty like you do because I'd knock myself out and nothing was ever good enough or pleased her in any way.
I got married on Friday evening in a lovely ceremony at my home. My mother was not in attendance and not even told. Know why? She would have ruined it with a performance like my first wedding over 30 years ago. Best case scenario, she would instigate discord among the guests by starting with politics. Or there would be a staged "fall" or a fabricated health crisis where she'd have to go to the ER. Probably by ambulance for enhanced dramatic effect. Yes, she is old and has some health problems but this has been going on for half her life and certainly all of my life.
I don't a moment of guilt for not inviting her because I know what she does.
You know what your mother does too.
You and your family are not her caregivers. Nor do you have to be her entertainment committee. You cannot treat her "gently" because clearly she doesn't get the message. So you have to treat her bluntly. You and your husband as a united front (as mine and I had to do) tell her plainly that under no circumstances will she be living with you. Also, if she wants to be in your life and your family's then she better knock it off with the unsolicited opinions, advice, 'performances' (the fake heart attacks and other false health crises), and negativity or she will not see you or her grandchildren again. Then stick to it. This will put the brakes on her nonsense quick.
No more letting her visit for 3 and 6 months at a time. That is way too long. If she's coming from the other side of the world, then one month once or twice a year is more than enough visiting.
If you struggle with feeling guilty, find a therapist to work it out with but stop letting your mother hjack your life and your family's.
She is already making you miserable with her Eeyore personality and her living with you will magnify that 1000%.
She could live another 40 or more years. Dont do this to yourself and your family.
And please stop moving her into your house for 3 - 6 months at a time because one day you might not be able to get her to leave. Why would you continue doing this when it makes you miserable and feels like you are in a prison?
If she is lonely encourage her to go to the senior center to interact with people. You are not required to entertain her.
When she starts with her fake dying act then call 911 and let the emergency room deal with her. It is sickening that your mother is so manipulative. Time to toughen up and stop allowing her to play these silly games.
Yes your mom is very young at the age of 64, and apparently never grew up or matured properly, and now wants to make you feel guilty for that and her unhappiness.
People like your mom will NEVER be happy and will(as you already know)suck the life right out of you. If she's lonely, well that is on her. There are many opportunities for her to socialize with folks her own age through volunteering, church, senior center and the like. You and your family are NOT her entertainment committee.
So now it's you that must put your big girl panties on and tell your mom that she no longer will be able to come live with you. Period. End of sentence.
If you still want her to visit occasionally, make sure that you put a time limit on these visits, but I wouldn't allow her in your home for more than a week or two tops.
You honestly don't owe your mom anything, but apparently she has made you to feel as if you owe her your life, which you don't. You owe your husband, marriage and children your life, not your mom. Again...period. End of sentence.
I am a young 64 year old(almost 65)like your mom as well, and a widow of almost 4 years now, and I would NEVER do to my children what your mom is doing to you.
My children deserve to have their own lives and it is up to me to make my life what I want it to be, not my children. And I stay very busy volunteering at several different places, going to church, and hanging out with my friends.
Perhaps it would be best that your mom now move into either an independent or assisted living facility where she will be around folks closer to her age and older(which since she acts older, she'll fit right in)where she can be as social as she wants as they typically have lots of activities going on.
And best of all she'll be out of your hair.
I wish you the very best in setting the much needed boundaries with your mom that should have been set many years ago. But better late than never!!
You are not obligated to becomer her PoA. When things get bad for her you can connect her with social services. She can be assigned a court-appointed guardian who will take care of paying for all her needs and manage everything without your intervention. This worked great with my jerk of a SFIL. He got what he needed and his wife could visit him whenever she wanted (he had Parkinsons).
The FOG effect is an issue you must deal with. I agree with therapy for you. May you receive clarity, strength, courage, wisdom and peace in your heart as you set and defend boundaries with her.
I'd suggest Mom get a job.
While you miss the point, this will keep on going. For heaven’s sake, it’s been going on for years! You need to take charge of your OWN life. Do you want to live your life as stupidly as she does?
After my father went into a NH, my 95 yo mother was alone in the house. She had three daughters, none of us offered for her to come live with us because she was a very difficult person to be around for a great length of time. The three of us felt a guilty about it but we knew that it simply would not work. We pursued other alternatives.
We felt this way about an elderly person with a single digit life expectancy. You could be looking at 30 years of dealing with this.
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