My mom, who has a long history of depression, told me she thinks she is depressed. Now she is refusing to go to the doctor and get back on anti depressants. She is a recluse, uses a walker now due to her sedentary ways, does not drive, but lives in a senior apartment complex with tons of activities and people her age who love to socialize.
She relies on me for her happiness. She takes little interest in my two sons who will soon be going off to college. Most times when I invite her to go out or attend a family function or school event she declines. I have a full life, travel, play tennis and am very social. I think she is jealous of my life. She does nothing all day but watch tv and does not even sleep in her bed. She naps only on the sofa in her living room. She keeps her blinds shut and rarely opens her door for fresh air. I am now very resentful of her total reliance on me to provide any life whatsoever. She is a very negative person and I fight extremely hard to not let her bring me down. I recently was diagnosed with PTSD and my own depression and could not even tell her for fear that she could not handle it. I can’t really tell her anything that is going on with me. She has never been a support to me in that way as she is a helpless sort of fragile person. I cannot be her life for her but she cannot accept this and is very passive aggressive with me. I am so tired of this and it’s wearing me out. I have a brother but he had early onset dementia and diabetes and is not of much help. Not sure what to do next. Any advice???
I like lealonni's response. It's not your place to make her happy. So don't even try. Continue to invite her to family functions. Do your thing. When she whines say sorry Mom but I have a life. You are part of it but not it.
I had a friend. Yes, she is now an ex. I have "known" her over 50 yrs. She has always had some kind of health problem. Had to give up driving either because of her health or couldn't afford the upkeep of a car. She is passive-aggressive. Her sons keep their distance. As a fellow friend says "She's a Debbie Downer". This friend helps her but doesn't enjoy it. She feels sorry for her. I do too but she is where she is because of choices she has made. She won't take advantage of the resources the County provides. Will complain about not having a ride to the doctors, but won't use the Senior bus. She left a VM on my phone last April saying she guessed no one wanted her around because no one called her about a luncheon our class was having. And people know she needs a ride. Blah, blah, blah. I had no idea what she was talking about and called her back. I went to a VM that was FULL. So I texted " have no idea what ur talking about". Found out she was given the wrong info, not our class. She has been told this and I have received no apology back which I think I deserve. She expects too much out of people. They have lives. The organizer of our luncheons emails info, sends it thru messenger and posts to Facebook. But she has no internet. She has a cell phone with data that she can use. She thinks she deserves a phone call.
I know you have already done this but one more time...sit down in front of Mom and look her in the eyes. Tell her "Mom, I cannot be your everything. Its not fair to u or me. Your are not that old that you can't have a life of your own. You are so lucky to live in a complex that has activities and you can make friends. But "you" have to take advantage of that. It should be I have my activities and you have yours." Then list what you will do for her. Like once a week go shopping and run errands. Maybe have lunch. Maybe invite her to dinner once a week. Maybe find out when the activities are and go with her the first few times. Tell her going to the doctor for her meds would be the first step to having her own life. No one can depend on one person all the time. That one person starts to resent it. Make this the last "talk". Set ur Boundries. When she whines, say "sorry Mom not my fault. Your choice".
What a sweet son. But, it was a good time to explain to him boundries. That there are people that given the chance will suck the life out of you. My daughters knew who my MIL was. Actually it was my youngest who brought up she was passive-aggressive. And I would have done for her but I would have set boundries. And she would have known I came first in her son's eyes, because I did.
First, can she use social media? Can you find someone in the family who posts regularly to Facebook? I have a nephew who has daily verbal diarrhoea – ideal! Get her following them and involved in criticising them. It might give her something else to think about. It’s a bit like getting involved her in the (pretend) lives of their favourite soap opera characters.
Second, tell her that every time you visit you expect her to start by telling you something enjoyable that she has done since she last saw you. If she doesn’t do that, you will turn around and walk out. And do it. Three times and she might get the message. And if she doesn’t, it will help you to harden your heart.
Best wishes, Margaret
Well, I did have a discussion with him about me not abandoning her, and her responsibilities to herself.
I know that most of you are struggling with very similar circumstances and I am sorry. It is so hard and so frustrating. I so appreciate this community for the support.
Love to all
Let her be and go about the business of living your own life.
Stop worrying about what you feel she cannot handle, that is a total waste of your time and emotions.
Your mother creates her life, you do not and she will not change, the only person that you can change is you, your attitude towards her.
You can't provide happiness for someone else; happiness is an inside job.
You can't provide entertainment for someone who's depressed and doesn't want to BE entertained.
You can't win with a passive aggressive individual and here is an AWESOME article I came across which may be of use to you:
https://www.liveyourtruestory.com/examples-of-passive-aggressive-behaviour-communication/
I can't tell my mother ANYTHING about my real life or my own issues b/c she can't even handle her OWN life, never mind mine. I never had a mother who I could confide in or trust to help me out, so it does cause me resentment. But there's nothing I can do about it, except try to take care of ME, you know? As far as your mom goes, let her know that you will not help her if she continues to refuse to go the doctor for anti depressants. That she is CHOOSING this lifestyle and it's not something you are willing to support. Therefore, either go to the doctor mother or do not count on me to help you in any way. You have ALL the entertainment you need at your senior complex so I suggest you make use of it.
Period.
As far as the PA behavior goes, it's 100% exhausting. I've yet to figure out how to deal with it myself, except to limit my exposure to the toxicity. My mother is an Energy Vampire who sucks the life right out of me, between the chronic negativity and the hints & innuendos. She will NEVER come out and ask for something; it has to be hinted at and come in through the backdoor. So then she can say she never ASKED me for anything, I just took it upon myself to do it. It's then everybody else's fault and she has someone else to blame besides herself.
Nice, huh? I bet you know the drill. Unfortunately.
So, my suggestion is to limit your contact with your mother. And issue her the ultimatum about getting an RX for her depression or to fend for herself from here on out. The choice is simple, really.
I had PTSD myself back in 2000 and Paxil made a HUGE difference..........literally saved my life. I'm sorry you are going through such a thing; I know how terrible the symptoms are.
Wishing you the best of luck moving forward.