My 85 year old mother lives with us rent free (since 8/17). My siblings think I owe her this. Advice?

This is a no Brainer, but requires you and spouse to get Backbone to notice that you are being punished by siblings and mother. Insofar as, yes it is really true that if you do better, then you reportedly owe everyone and get treated like crap if you do not. Been there, was taking care of a sister's cell phone bill in order for her to help out another sister who had money in the bank, spouse so called working and 3 adult children all working too. However, when that Sister who was not employed but donating 24-7 caregiving to our sister who I placed in Hospice and set up, without any income requested assistance with getting to her daughter's, the reply was to come see me. Thus, let your siblings do their part and as I write this you will know mother will pay her way, as she should. People treat you as you allow. I stopped this action after that issue occurred, and although I have always been generous, done with feelung I must pay to be part of family. End this action, it will not matter, others are envious of what you have and that is why no one will assist, or if they do not want her, she can leave and pay for her assisted living arrangements.

I feel for you.. and wonder if you have a spouse and family members who are weighing in on this issue. If I were your wife/husband, I would have to staple my lips on this!

My family went through this issue several years back, Mom stayed at my brother's house she and Dad GAVE to them. (.) She stayed there for four months then found a senior apartment nearby. They have the family home and contents... when my sister and I moved her into a very good memory care facility... they were notably absent in the process. Mom and Dad went through all of their resources and traveled in a motorhome cross country for several years before Dad died... almost like he planned it that way.

Folks; No one is entitled to inheritance!!!! I had to work for everything... so should people coming up after me. If there is something left, great. Leave it to them if you like.

PS: Establish the expenses incurred in your Mom's stay and present it now, before she dies and you have a family issue. Good luck to you.

You are doing a wonderful thing for your mother and I commend you for it. But the living arrangement should be businesslike. Your mother should reimburse you for monthly living expenses (rent and food, personal items, etc.) and also for expenses you incurred while helping to sell her house. If you need to hire aides to help her at some point, the expense should also be paid by her. If you need to hire a cleaner or other help because of the extra work, she should split the cost with you. Make sure your mother's paperwork is in order: she needs a will if she has assets, power of attorney for medical and financial decisions, a living will with her medical directives, and some banks and financial institutions have their own POA forms. Be sure you are on file with Social Security and Medicare to be able to speak on her behalf. Hopefully you will be the POA. You'll probably need an attorney to help with these legal documents if she has assets. Take care of yourself and get help when you need it. Don't try to be a superwoman juggling your own responsibilites, work and now having additional responsibility for your mother. Be sure you take breaks and vacations. You'll have to discuss this with your mother and ideally there will be a written contract. This sounds weird when it's your mother, but your situation is complicated by having siblings who may be concerned about what will be left for their inheritance. This is a good thing to discuss with your attorney.

That is a lot of work and expense on you. My mother lived with us for two years. She paid monthly and for any items I picked up for her.

I think she should be paying you regardless of whether you actually need the money or not.

I hope it all goes well for you.

speak up

Demand a mediator - impartial third party who has no interest in the out come of the dispute.

Dear sandeambernard,
Your siblings will only get worse and expect you to do more ~ mine started in a similar way and ultimately left my mother penniless. And emotionally, it took its toll on me then, and to this day. They will make you the bad guy now or later due to their jealousy of your success and happiness. Act now. Protect your own sanity and create a clear boundary. You have worked hard to create your life, protect it because you deserve it. Mentally prepare for sibs to never “play fair”.

Your mother sounds as though she would thrive in a senior apartment with people her age all around. My parents were in an age-in-place so they didn’t have to move out when health crises occurred.

Find a senior housing specialist if possible (good ones are no cost to you). Have your mom tell them what she would want to have and have them work together. Have your mom sign leases and contracts with movers. Get her out.

I did all of the housing associated tasks with my parents and was rewarded with having siblings turn me into the county for financial exploitation (unfounded), telling my parents lies to undermine their trust in me and ultimately, they participated in draining my parents resources to their own benefit. And heartbreakingly in the end, very sadly, they caused such great stress to my parents, to a point which I often wonder had it been better if I had walked away years before.

Mine ultimately ended up being a damned if you do and damned if you don’t because I cared deeply.

With your siblings current stance, I don’t see how your “rift” will lessen - take great care of you now.

Best wishes

If you don't take care of her, which of your siblings are ready, willing and able to accept her on the same terms that you currently have?

Time for a family meeting, even if by Zoom to ask who is available starting tomorrow.

I think your siblings are afraid all her money will be gone and none left for them. You need to read between the lines. Some family members started asking me for money they thought they were entitled to after my dad passed. I bluntly told them it is moms money and she needs it for her future. One brother actually had the nerve to draw up a will leaving him with lots of money. He asked me to to sign it. I certainly did not sign it. He kept on telling me it was his right as a son to get his inheritance. He wanted me to sell the house and mom and I move to a assisted type living facility. I am glad I was strong, family relationships are not the same. One brother does not speak to me and wrote me off. I was close to him all my life. I forgave him, but do not need all the stress from all the drama he has caused since my fathers death so I welcome the peace. Do what you need to do and never mind the rest. Be firm and insist on your mother helping out. There is no free pass here. It is expensive to live and we need to take care of ourselves too. Your mother is one fortunate lady to be living in a nice house with family. I hope she does not blow it.
Your mom needs to help with the expenses plain and simple .I would have a serious talk with her about the living situation and expenses. It seems everything is on your shoulders and for that I would not give the rest of the family any say about the matter. You have every right to get compensated. I would encourage your mom and you to consult with an Elder Attorney. You are a very kind daughter to take your mother into your home. I hope everything works out for the best and you find a solution soon.

As far as I'm concerned your sisters have no skin in this particular game. They shouldn't even be consulted. This is between you and your mother.

It sounds like you didn't discuss finances prior to your mother moving in, so it's important to do so now. You need to think about and write out what you want to say, and BY ALL MEANS know ahead of time what you believe is fair for your mother to pay. Be honest, loving, but non-emotional. If you let your emotions enter in, it will not go well for you or your mother.

I hope this helps.

You didn't mention whether you liked having your mother live with you. Is she a burden in any way? How frustrated are you that she is taking you for granted? From my perspective, this is part of the equation.

The easy solution if Mom is causing stress is to help her find another place to live.

If you love having her live with you, then you have to confront her and share your concerns, set up a budget, and tell her if she wants to stay she will have to pay monthly.

Regarding your sisters, you are an "only child" if they don't help you or your Mom. They don't get to have an opinion.

I agree - what do the other siblings owe mom? With that said, mom should pay her own way - at the least her share of the groceries, her personal bills, her share of gasoline if you are taking her places specifically for her. You could charge her rent - and while you say mom has plenty of money - how far will that go if she has to go to AL. Make sure you keep detailed records in case you mother ever needs to be enrolled in Medicaid. There are contracts for personal services, rental agreements. Keep receipts and detailed records, record mileage for her trips alone (see IRS for current mileage amounts).

If this is getting to be too big an issue for you, see if any of those other siblings are willing to take mom into their homes, or better yet, would mom consider moving into IL. In IL she'd have access to other seniors her age, have activities she can join in. Depending on the IL facility she may have 2 - 3 meals/day, housekeeping, transportation to shopping and medical appts. This would ease your anxiety and mom would be in a safe environment. You and your siblings would still be there for her needs.

My parents took the responsibility on themselves and moved to IL - while still in IL they gave me their POAs to act as their agent and soon thereafter I took care of their finances - paid their bills. I started accompanying them to medical appts as they could never exactly remember what the DRs said. They were both more than willing to pay for gas occasionally. Eventually they needed to move to AL living because of dads continual falls and then dad had to move to LTC where he died a few months later. Mom continues on in AL and I continue to handle her finances.

Find a solution that works for you and mom. Know that if mom isn't happy she is going to complain to siblings - so the siblings will chime in - however unless they have a solution other than you need to do - then ignore them.

My Mother has lived with my husband and I for 3 years now. She has dementia. Prior to her living with us, I spent increasing amounts of time "checking" in on her in her home. Fender benders, unpaid bills, horrific housekeeping, hoarding etc. It took me 2 years to clean out her hoarder house and get it ready for sale. I did this all by myself. Fortunately I am retired. My brothers are very aware of my efforts.
My 2 brothers love my mother and me very much but they are too far away to help. We are in 3 different time zones.
On the advise of our attorney, my Mother now pays us monthly a "reimbursement" for her care. It is not taxable to me. What she pays us is a fraction of what she would pay in a long term care facility. As a family, we are fortunate to all agree on this arrangement. Also none of us siblings really need the money at this point in our lives so that lifts a huge obstacle out of the way. Yes it is an incredible burden on my husband and me and yes, I sometimes resent it.
My mom will be 90 in September.

Sorry if this offends you. Your mother raised you. It is your mother. I would not take her money towards your mortgage . However since she has the sale of her home and able to have care paid for her . Do that. Use some of her finances to bring in care for her. Use her finances to purchase her comfort products. Your mortgage is yours and has been yours mom has not caused an increase in that. You can even use her funds to purchase healthier foods fir her. you can hire help fir her which will allow you time to get out and have space . You need to set up an account that both you and mom are co- owners of and use that account for her needs . I have been in the same situation and spending her money on her needs with bank transactions as proof has shut down people looking at you with I’ll intent. If there is true transparency in her care and the cost of it than there are no issues . At the end of the day can you sleep well knowing you did your best for her. When she is gone you will never get a second chance to make things right . She can help financially for her care but I don’t believe she should pay for your lifestyle.

My mother lives with me also. She pays no rent. I and my husband are on a fixed income. Mom sold her home and has plenty of money.
When the bills are high because we can not open windows when it's nice because of her allergies, I just let her know and she's very happy to pay any and all bills.
We cannot burn wood in the winter cause mom is on oxygen 24/7.
The gas bill gets high and like I said I let her know and she's there to help.
We have a different scenario than yours. But I would think and hope that your mom would not take advantage of you.
If things are that bad between you all, I would suggest that she go live with one of the other sisters or pay the amount that you are asking. It's not good for you to be angry with them. If mom would not pay the bills that she has caused to go higher and paying nothing to live there. I would be angry also.
I'm sorry I can't help solve your problem. And I know through my own experience that there is usually more going on. My advice would not help.
I would just pray for God to help me, what ever I have to deal with.

I'd be taking the household bills and dividing by 3. Get some guidance re a caregiver agreement from a certified elderlaw attorney. They've been down this road many times. I'm sure if you let your siblings know you are DONE and they can take over, they will see things differently as they go off free to lead their unencumbered lives.
My only sibling left town claiming she didn't like winter (nor her family meddling no doubt) and moved thousands of miles away. Prior to leaving the righteous little you know what told me that if mom and dad had some issues, that I should just put them in a home, as I was entitled to a life of my own. Well, here we are nearly 20 years later. Situation a bit different as my employment is low pay and I am living under THEIR roof, rent free...however I feel I more than earn my keep for helping with their major needs...there to clean poop off the floor and laundry which we all know is women's work; to cook, clean, pay attention to safety issues, make appts, advocate, hear, explain (dad is deaf) and so on. I figured that was my rent and then some, and because I do feel a family obligation to help as I can. However last fall the stress of it all and working caught up with me and I nearly died. My health situation took much out of me, and now I could use some help! The sibling couldn't care less, but makes twice weekly phone calls to her daddy to remind him how she loves him. He is naive and clueless. Our mother wouldn't be conned, but she has dementia. I do think it takes a long time, but once you adjust, if you can, to the siblings not going to do a thing, it will make you do what you need to do to make the circumstances you are in as tolerable and comfortable for all of you. Wishing you the best....

Can you get paid, from her LTC (Long Term Care) insurance?

What’s wrong with even MOTHER sharing with expenses?! She’d have expenses if she lived anywhere else. Her living with you is costing you financially and emotionally and other support. Your siblings know there will be more inheritance for them if she doesn’t have expenses now. They will want an equal share even though they’re not helping care for her. Take your heart out of this part and think rationally. ❤️

If she has resources and needs the help have her resources cover caregiver expenses and personal supplies.

We allow a rent free situation so that resources can cover caregivers which gets expensive quickly. And will be necessary to keep in a private home.

Also I am no longer on speaking terms with one sibling who refuses to help with anything to do with our elderly parents because 1) she refuses to help with their needs which are basic and not specialty and 2) she suggested allowing the parents the opportunity to move in with her at market rent AND having them pay caregiver expenses. AND she still wasn’t going to help them.

Regardless of your outcome is sadly you may find permanently strained relationships with your siblings if their were never conversations previously to your mother’s downturn.

I have a mother at 88 and father at 92. Did well medically until Christmas 2020. Now both need basic help. And it’s just myself and boyfriend and paid caregivers involved. Have 2 siblings that could help but won’t. I caregive 3 overnights a week to reduce cost and it is costing me a lot as unpaid. However these are my parents and I find peace knowing I am doing what I can to allow them to stay out of facilities. And your mother likely didn’t charge you as a child. Your compensation can be knowing you did what was best her last years.

So thank you for housing your mother. If she is of sound mind it’s not unreasonable to have a conversation relating to finances but at that age your mom may become stressed and feel like a burden from the topic. It’s difficult. If you are not financially burdened another alternative, if she is of sound mind,is you could consider amending her estate planning. But the cost of attorney and further stress with siblings may not be worth it. I know now my last years with my parents will be at the cost of not having relationships with my siblings in the future. Unfortunate but reality. This is where you realize you may have grown apart from your siblings as adults. Good luck. Make sure you put your mother first. She has less time left and you will need and want peace. Not ugly burden memories.

If she has the resources, Is it time for Assisted Living (or an independent living situation where she may transition to AL without having to move)? My experience as the primary CG for 2 sets of parents is that it doesn’t get better. If Mom is that insensitive now, it will become more so as she ages. And it’s likely your resentment toward her and your clueless sisters will increase.

In AL there will be activities and social opportunities, too, that you are not able to provide. She can build community there. Whatever you do, keep receipts for EVERYTHING! Best wishes.

"It’s not about the money. It’s the idea that my time and space are worth nothing in their eyes. None have contributed with anything since day 1. One sister has been there emotionally but that’s the extent."

This issue is more about being validated than anything else. Personally I don't believe your mother owes you money because you shut down her home and invited her to live with you - that was your choice. And you admit you don't need the money - so why are you getting sick over this? If you really don't want her with you, then find a good assisted living place for her, where she can use her own funds and still live in a safe environment.
Your siblings will NEVER change their minds. You will read about hundreds of caretakers (including me) who has done everything for their parent(s) will little to no help or acknowledgement from their family. The more you take on, the more it becomes the norm. You can fight about it, change your circumstances, or accept or make peace with it. Please know that you will be blessed for all that you've done in taking care of your Mom, regardless of who acknowledges it.

A tough, unforgiving situation. Maybe your sisters are fighting this so hard, is because they may be scared she'll come dump on them. If she's "all there" as you state, do your research on places possible for her to go - apartment, assisted living, whatever, right down to the penny on what it will cost her to be put there. Cover every thing, right down to cost of toilet paper,! Then make a detailed list of what it's costing you - financial and emotional - for her to free load off you, cause that's what she's doing - where is her money going? Sit her down, be firm and show her the options she has. She either moves out, or she starts paying you a similar amount. Don't let her start boo-hooing, that will end your talk before it gets started. Know it's your Mama, loads of love there, but it's not totally up to one alone to support a parent. Does she help with household chores? I'm betting not. She's "got it made," at the sole expense of you. What does she do with her income every month? I think I'd be asking that question, but I don't think you're gonna be happy with her response. She's walking all over you, and will continue to do so, until YOU make a change. Now, before you drop dead from stress. Yes, I know how this sounds, but a deep dark grave is unthinkable silent. Stand your ground.

My 94 year old mother pays the utilities and I get $50 a month for toiletries, etc. I then claim her as a dependent at tax time because I pay the mortgage and buy all groceries. She has a small pension and social security, so these expenses leave her with enough money left over to spend on her other children and grandchildren, as well as contributing to her savings. She "shares" rather than paying rent and it keeps us both feeling like everyone is contributing, so our respect for each other is well preserved.

I don't know that this is possible for you and your family, but it does work for our whole family, even my siblings who do not contribute.

It doesn’t hurt your mom to help buy groceries or pay electric bill.
Personally I’d be thinking your siblings are worried about you taking away from what they would get after she’s gone.
It also wouldn’t hurt your siblings to let her stay with them for a month at a time

I read some of these suggestions and I agree somewhat. I think you need to discuss this with your mother. If your stressed get a health care worker for her. You said she has the insurance for that. That may take away some of the stress. I understand about siblings as long as they don't have to deal with it their fine. I have a situation similar. My siblings live in other states and I was stressed about my father and asked for help. Nothing from them. Just my husband and I left to do everything for my father. Now, my brother moved in with my father because he fell on hard times. Now, that he's better financially I think he should contribute more financially for my father because he's living in his home rent free. When my father can't pay his bills I make up the difference. Which is hard on us trying to make sure we have enough to pay our bills. I thought we would have some help. But this doesn't help. I hope things work out for you. Maybe your mother will understand.

You are in a difficult situation, but you need to be paid by your Mom for the difference in the costs of your expenses. Write down what it costs for your mother to live with you and show that to her and your siblings. It doesn't matter if you have a generous income or not. Those are not your expenses and your Mom is financially able to support herself. If she lived in a long term care facility she would have to. Tell them either they or your Mom needs to pay for it. Mostly likely your siblings will say your Mom. Also show them the bills you paid to move her and clean out her house. Then show your siblings and her the amount you expect every month. Have you thought of having her move to an assisted living facility? This would let her have responsibility to pay for her own expenses. It would probably get you off the hook with your siblings who feel no responsibility to help. They are keeping their own money right now and not concerned with your expenses. You sound emotionally drained already. I hope this has given you some help. Sometimes when someone is presented with a more expensive bill (such as an assisted living which she has money for) they may pay the least expensive one more easily.

What's your husband's take on this setup? This affects him as well as yourself. Are you POA for your mother? If not, who is and why is she not staying with them? If she has plenty of money, as you say, you might consider assisted living. My mother who is in her late 90s has lived i assisted living for 8 years so far. She has enough to pay the monthly expenses with some left over. She stayed with us for a while but it was stressful for both her and us. She seems to be doing better at the assisted living facility but all facilities are different. Some are good and some bad. The one she is in has changed companies three times and though it is currently not bad it is not quite as good as when she first moved in.

If your sisters have a problem with you moving her to a facility I'd tell them it is either there or your place. It sounds like your sisters may not want you to use your mother's money to pay for expenses because that would be less for them whenever she passes on.

One way to look at it is that your mom. Cooked cleaned and made sure that all you children were taken care of in many ways. I am 77 and live with my Youngest daughter. I do help with some things. Your mom may feel that eventually you and others will be helped after. Not only that there may be a time she may have to go to covelescent. With Medicare she will get help. You need to find out what is available for her as she grows older. She just needs your love right now.

You are clearly being taken ADVANTAGE of! Do you want your mother to continue living with you? It doesn’t matter how much she would pay you, don’t t you want your freedom? If the answer is YES, then do something about it. Tell her she will need to move. You will help her find an apartment, independent living or she can move in with one of your sisters ( it’s their turn)! Yes it will be a difficult conversation but you have to do it. You will be relieved in the end.

I'm sorry for the stress & family drama that you are having. Getting your mom to pay should have started when she moved in, however it's not too late. Meet with your mom & share your thoughts & concerns. What she would do if her health declines? She should be providing for her own living arrangements especially since she can afford it. You have 3 choices. 1)No change. 2)Have her pay you compensation for room & board from now on. 3)Tell her that you'll help her find an apartment or independent senior living housing in a retirement community, whether it's a cottage or apartment. Hopefully when you sit down and speak with your mom a resolution will be made W/O drama. Your siblings don't need to be involved as they haven't help you out since mom moved in. You need to do what's best for you & your family.