My 86-year-old boyfriend of 40 years with dementia is in a nursing home. His kids want me to take him home to my house. What do I do?

”I hate to see them put him in a terrible place.” But would they? He’s their father and they presumably want the best for him. Or - now think about this - do you believe that any care facility is a terrible place? Because that isn’t true. There are many facilities where patients are well cared for. Tell his children that you can’t provide the care he needs. Then present them with information that will help them find the place best suited for your boyfriend. Don’t guilt yourself into a job you don’t want by presuming something that isn’t true in the first place! Good luck to you.

It sounds to me you have graciously done all you can do. You alone can’t possibly give him the care he needs. Say no and don’t feel guilty hun. You have definitely done your part. God bless you.

Saying no is the obvious answer.

If you want to try to help, set specific boundaries, like “I can plan to visit from 1:00 to 4:00 on Fridays for the first two months. I’ll try to give you 24 hours notice if I need to cancel. I can’t be there on the Friday after Thanksgiving.”

If he lived with you or had stuff at your old place, you should probably be cooperative in returning his stuff or you can offer to safeguard a couple of boxes of papers, photos, and momentous for a limited time if that feels right.

Even if you are his POA, you do not have any obligation to provide hands on care or a place to live in your home. You’d need to manage his funds for his benefit (likely including LTC admission paperwork SIGNED as POA), or resign and notify those effected (hopefully including a successor).

Be clear with the discharge planner that you cannot do hands on care or provide a place to live.

The social worker at his current rehab can find him a placement that will accept Medicaid if he needs that for funding.

Facility to facility transfers are easiest because his need for NH-level care is already established.

Onice he gets discharged to a private home, you are back to square one and need to deal with waiting lists that can be YEARS long.

Say no. You cannot possibly provide 24/7 care.

" His kids want him to stay with me until they find another place."

Once he's back with you they will stop looking for another place.

You politely tell them you are sorry but you are unable to adequately take care of him anymore. His needs are too much for you to handle and it wouldn’t be a safe environment for either of you. Why can’t he stay at the facility he is at?

When they tell you that just laugh, I was surprised when I discovered most states don't recognize common law marriages so you have no reason to feel obligated. Don't let them bully you, if they feel he shouldn't be in a nursing home then let them know you aren't up to the task and it's up to them to provide the care he needs in THEIR homes.... if they get belligerent then stop accepting their calls.

You say “No.”

If they want him at home, then he can live in theirs.

They’ll say they will help if you take him home; I’m sure you know that is an empty promise.