My 89 year old mom lives alone and insists on sleeping upstairs. She can hardly make it up a curb with a cane but won’t move back downstairs.

Can you make the bedroom in a different room - reverse the bedroom and living room for example? Of course she is going to fuss and say it's unworkable but try to get her to see that it would be unfair for you to be the one who finds her dead or injured at the bottom of the stairs.
You might also have remove any bed that is upstairs so that sleeping up there isn't even an option.

If you can afford it, perhaps get a stair lift installed. I know they are expensive but it is something that you and your husband might appreciate in a few years for yourselves. In Australia where I live, in certain circumstances the government will make a substantial contribution to the cost ... it us cheaper to keep people in their own homes than nursing home or aged care facilities.

One day she really won’t be able to climb the stairs anymore. In others words, events will happen that will make the decisions for you, or her in this case. She clearly wants her independence and you say she has her mind, so I’d say let it be. Climbing may be much needed exercise. One day it’ll be different and yes, an accident may happen, but that’s true for all of us

Just leave her alone. she is getting up and down stairs today. Let tomorrow take care of itself. I think getting literature on stair lifts is a great idea. Then wait for her to not be able to navigate the stairs. If she falls, she falls. I recommend letting her do what she wants unless it impacts other people, like driving a car.

As an 85 year old, I do not want people telling me to stop something "for my own good". God, I hate those words. We are all going to die. Right now I have 2 friends and 1 relative on hospice. Most of us will end up in nursing homes. In the meantime, let us live our lives on our terms. She could sleep on the couch if she wants to.

I was at my husband's Cardiologist yesterday, he was telling us about a woman in her 80's that has Metastatic Breast Cancer all over her left side and neck. Her family wants to keep trying to save her, they want him to move her pacemaker from her left side to the right so they can radiate her entire left side. He said he hates to put her through it, but the family is insisting. Don't be one of those "loving" family members.

I think a security button (Help I've fallen down and can't get up) is great. Mention to her that she probably doesn't need it, but it will ease your mind. With my mother we set it up so they called me, then my daughter, then 911. My girlfriend who lived in Southern California and her mother in Montana (for those of you outside the U.S. about 2,000 miles away) had theirs set up so it would call 911 then her. That way she knew something was wrong.

I would remind her that you can't take her in to your home, and what does she want when she can't take care of herself? Then let her decide. Be grateful that she doesn't want to move in with you.

Would you want to sleep where your spouse died?!

Her behavior is normal. Stop trying to change her. Do you realize how many widows refuse to live in the house where a spouse passed away? My GF, an aunt and my own sister couldn't stay in the house. I lost my DH but this is MY house and I have no trouble staying here. My DH died in the livingroom, not in my bedroom. And I still had to replace the bed.

Until you walk in your Mother's shoes, please tread carefully.

If he was in the bed, maybe she needs an entirely new bed, even a new size. My mom went from 2 twins to a full to make it "her" room.

Why do they have to be so darn stubborn?? Doesn't she understand that she could all too easily fall down those darn stairs and hurt or kill herself? Not too much you can do besides try to reason with her - but you can't be fighting with her about this regularly or it will just further damage your relationship.

Frustrating....

Get her a stair lift if you can. They are very helpful.

Gather information on a stair lift & discuss with her.

You might try to remind her that a fall down the stairs would most likely send her to a nursing home or worse.

Think about having an occupational therapist come in to evaluate her safety in her home. There are more problems than just the stairs. Her doctor could order it.

Most people her age use more than a cane. If she's 89 and all she needs is a cane, she's in pretty good shape.

"We’ve offered to redecorate...." I've learned that offering to do anything for stubborn old people rarely ever elicits the desired "Yes please!" Rather than offer, be direct with your mother: "Mother, I'm concerned that you are going to fall down the stairs. What do you want to do with the downstairs bedroom where dad died?" Then be quiet and listen to her.

Depending on what she says, you may have several options for that room. Come back and let us know.