He won’t bathe or put on clean clothes even when going out somewhere. Recently took his guns out of his house and dr says he should not be driving. He is angry at me. Understandably. Won't admit for anything that he needs help at all. Can’t cook a meal, extremely messy but says a little dirt won’t hurt anybody.
Teepa Snow has some very good videos on dementia on YouTube. I really recommend watching a few so that you don't burn energy unnecessarily struggling with your father and his dementia. There are enough challenges already. May you gain wisdom and peace in your heart.
My mother, even in the early stages, was adamant that she was "fine, independent and could cook." Answer was none of the above, but it was pointless trying to convince her otherwise. Her response to being forgetful? I'm old, I'm entitled to forget sometimes. Problem is it wasn't sometimes!
Driving is a HUGE issue. Others will argue with us and say it's their car and their decision. Yes, it is their care, but it should NOT be their decision. My response to others who chastise those of us who take the car away is that I would rather deal with any legal issues about taking and selling the car (all money received went into her account for her care/use) than all the repercussions of dealing with an accident where she or others could get injured or killed.
While some (few) might accept a doctor telling them not to drive or letters from the DMV, most either don't believe it or forget it and will attempt to drive anyway. YB did all the talking (I was there) and took her key. She looked like a 5yo who had been caught in the cookie jar. On the way out, I told him I think she has another key, and suggested he disable the car. He pulled the battery cable. That might work for many, but too often men are car-monkeys and can figure that out. The very next day, who gets the nasty call demanding the key back? Me. I told her I never touched it and she asked who did then. I replied you're so smart, you figure it out and hung up. Rude, but she was SO nasty about it I couldn't help it! Day 2, another nasty call, demanding I get down there right away and fix whatever I did to her car. So, despite dementia, she managed to locate that other key and attempted to go drive! While there are so many skills lacking, it can be perplexing how they manage what they often do!
The best thing you can do about driving is move the car to a place he can't find it (selling it is even better, if you have POA.) If not, then you need to disable it somehow, either use The Club or have a kill switch installed. Hiding his keys might work for a while, but never underestimate what someone with dementia is capable of! You may have to disable your own car(s) if you live with him. If he snags your keys, he will be off like a rocket!
Others have made suggestions about bathing, here and in other threads. I didn't have to deal with that myself, but it was clear my mother was wearing the same clothes multiple times (we had cameras at the door and I would see her in the same ones, once 6 days in a row! Given that she had enough clothes to open a store, this was definitely out of character.) Once when OB was visiting, he pointed out food stains on her clothes. She looked at them and laughed!
Assumption is you are living with him. Does he change into night wear? If so, after he's asleep, take the clothes away and leave clean ones out for him. No discussion, just put them out.
If all else fails, perhaps trying some medication can help. Some anti-anxiety meds can make a person a little more compliant. But again, approach it as a choice he makes, not a demand. Although they are not children, sometimes we have to use similar tactics to get them to make the decisions.
Hard as it is, try not to let his anger get under your skin. Unless this is how he was before, it is just how the dementia is affecting him. Avoid confrontations. Provide him with choices rather than presenting a wall that he will try to knock down! He is right - a little dirt won't hurt anyone, but messes will need to be cleaned up. I wouldn't count on him doing it, so just take a deep breath and clean up.
It sounds like there are at least 2 of you living with him. Even with 2, this will become more and more difficult to manage and you will need help. Now is the time to do some research, to find out what is available.
He just won't know.
His ability to reason he needs any help or needs to wash will probably fluctuate. Flicker off & on like a faulty lightglobe.
Arguing, trying to reason with him will probably just infuriate you both.
Is he living alone? Supervision will become necessary sooner, later or maybe now?
Lack of proper food & fluid intake causes problems: dehydration, dizziness, & falls. Diminishing kitchen skills can cause accidents: leaving the stove on, misuse of microwave oven, burns. Leaving taps running, heater on high, doors unlocked, it goes on.
Sorry if this sounds scary. Despite their anger, sometimes you have to make unpopular choices.
You’ve taken his guns, and if the doctor says that he’s not capable of driving safely, and you have responsibility for him (POA?), you need to remove his car.
If he won’t bathe or change his clothes, you will have to inform him that he’s smells (if he does), and people who like/love him can’t tolerate his odor, so he won’t be included as part of family activities or other social events. His choice- .
He is, and will continue to be angry with you, but if your most important responsibility is caring for him, you have to take the anger (and the outbursts) in stride.
No matter what else he is still able to do, vascular dementia is impacting on EVERY ACTIVITY he undertakes. Your supervision won’t be pleasant or comfortable for either of you, but you’ll have to do what your conscience dictates.
Most of us encounter this kind of situation somewhere in caring for someone with dementia. Be sure to establish a sense of healthy balance between caring for him and caring for yourself and other family members who love you and depend upon you.
https://manchestermanorch.com/protect-unsafe-elderly-driver-close/
You have to tell him he stinks like a skunk and needs to bathe. Do it at a scheduled basis. You have to set limits.
Your doctor can prescribe psychotropic medications, but the flipside are side effects including worsening balance and higher risk for falls.
My husband also neglects hygiene and we have arguments about showering. And he wears diapers 24/7 for urine incontinence. What you describe is all part and package of dementia. Try and locate a support group in your area.
As far as his clothes, any time he took them off, I gathered them up and put them in the car for laundry day - oops sorry Papa!
He’s 89!
He is going to be grizzly and stubborn.
One day you might be too.
How many elderly humans”, go out,” smiling with joy and gratitude?
Play nostalgic music, and try a sponge bath in between actual showers.
My step father (decades ago) punched me, as I tried to help with a shower, so I get it.
They can’t help these awful symptoms, so try to remember that.
Its not personal it’s a disease.
Get someone in between to help you out, because not doing that, will suck the life out of you-
“Remember, we’re all just walking each other home.” 💜😇☮️
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