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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
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V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
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Is he on any medication? If he is, they clearly aren’t working. Maybe different dosage or different meds would help.
If that doesn’t work I would suggest separating them. Dad could be placed in a facility so mom would no longer be bothered by him. Mom should be able to feel safe in her own home.
I am wondering if your father is much changed of late? Suffering from dementia or UTI or other illness? Or has he pretty much always been the guy he is right now?
I am glad that you have Hospice. I think that, since you describe your dad as being verbally abusive all the way round, you should discuss this with Hospice Social Worker, Clergy and nursing staff. They may decide with you that it were best Mom receive her Hospice in facility in order to keep her comfortable and feeling safe.
I hope you will update us on this, and I am so sorry you are going through it. Has to be so heartbreaking.
We had this problem with my FIL. The drug Risperdal helped calm down a lot of his behavior.
When they moved into a nursing home together, all of their siblings on both sides wanted them separated. We did separate them, but not for very long, MIL kept sneaking into his room.
FIL lost his "sit up" suspended triangle after hitting an aide with it. We began to understand why the previous nursing home used to wind FIL up in a sheet cocoon with only his face showing. They called it "massage therapy".
The new doctor stopped a lot of his old meds and added the Risperdal - the new doctor said so many of the meds just weren't necessary or were written at too high a dosage for a senior without legs.
OMGOODNESS, they need to be separated. Its not easy but it is the safest. Mom and Dad will not know if the other is not there both are too sick to know. Do what is best for them and you. This way you do not need to have arguments. Blessings sent your way!
Your poor mother deserves to be able to die in peace, so if they're still living together, one of them needs to go elsewhere. Preferably your father, as his dementia will only continue to get worse. Start looking today for a memory care facility that will take him, and let your mother have some peace before she leaves this world for the next.
My stepfather was very verbally abusive and demanding to his wife. They were together in AL, she had dementia and his health was deteriorating at lightning speed.
We were in the process of separating them, she in MC and he in AL, same facility.
He died before we got the move done. She is now in MC.
Daughter1930 is right. If his verbal abuse is upsetting to your mother who is under hospice care then they should be separated. I don't know what kind of dementia your father has or how advanced it is. I do know that I was a caregiver for 25 years to more verbally abusive and aggressive seniors with dementia than I can count. The caregivers and you yourself need to put him in his place. No one has to tolerate abuse whether it comes from a demented person or not. This is what I always did and it worked for me. Especially in situations where there are spouses or adult kids living together in one home. Tell his doctor that he needs to be prescribed sedation medications that can be put into his food and drink. Don't even tell him he's being medicated. Sleeping medication too. Then at night when it's bedtime, lock him in his bedroom. Your poor mother in hopsice should not have to deal with his abusive, dementia nonsense. If he becomes too much to handle and medicating isn't enough, call an ambulance and do an 'ER' Dump. Ask one of the hospice social workers on your mother's case to further explain this to you. They will and they will help you. Good luck.
I support you in everything u say but legally you can not lock someone in their room, Its a form of abuse. If there is a fire, they can't get out. Are not aides mandated reporters? APS could be called in.
Your profile says that dad has a form of dementia. This makes him unable to listen to reason and be responsible for his behaviors. Speak with his doctor about what’s happening and ask for a medication to calm his agitation. Do not discuss this with dad at all. If this fails, you need to protect mom from harm and consider separating them
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
If that doesn’t work I would suggest separating them. Dad could be placed in a facility so mom would no longer be bothered by him. Mom should be able to feel safe in her own home.
Best wishes to you and your family.
I am wondering if your father is much changed of late?
Suffering from dementia or UTI or other illness?
Or has he pretty much always been the guy he is right now?
I am glad that you have Hospice.
I think that, since you describe your dad as being verbally abusive all the way round, you should discuss this with Hospice Social Worker, Clergy and nursing staff. They may decide with you that it were best Mom receive her Hospice in facility in order to keep her comfortable and feeling safe.
I hope you will update us on this, and I am so sorry you are going through it. Has to be so heartbreaking.
When they moved into a nursing home together, all of their siblings on both sides wanted them separated. We did separate them, but not for very long, MIL kept sneaking into his room.
FIL lost his "sit up" suspended triangle after hitting an aide with it. We began to understand why the previous nursing home used to wind FIL up in a sheet cocoon with only his face showing. They called it "massage therapy".
The new doctor stopped a lot of his old meds and added the Risperdal - the new doctor said so many of the meds just weren't necessary or were written at too high a dosage for a senior without legs.
Start looking today for a memory care facility that will take him, and let your mother have some peace before she leaves this world for the next.
We were in the process of separating them, she in MC and he in AL, same facility.
He died before we got the move done. She is now in MC.
I would separate them.
Sending support your way.
I don't know what kind of dementia your father has or how advanced it is.
I do know that I was a caregiver for 25 years to more verbally abusive and aggressive seniors with dementia than I can count. The caregivers and you yourself need to put him in his place. No one has to tolerate abuse whether it comes from a demented person or not. This is what I always did and it worked for me. Especially in situations where there are spouses or adult kids living together in one home.
Tell his doctor that he needs to be prescribed sedation medications that can be put into his food and drink. Don't even tell him he's being medicated. Sleeping medication too. Then at night when it's bedtime, lock him in his bedroom. Your poor mother in hopsice should not have to deal with his abusive, dementia nonsense.
If he becomes too much to handle and medicating isn't enough, call an ambulance and do an 'ER' Dump. Ask one of the hospice social workers on your mother's case to further explain this to you. They will and they will help you. Good luck.