Hi everyone, I haven't posted in a while and hope everyone is doing ok. My parents finally moved near us, in fact, in our condo complex and are renting. I packed and unpacked every single box for them and was away from my husband during his chemo and radiation treatments for 2 months so they could move from Florida to Virginia. My husband was with me during my breast cancer journey and I feel awful that I couldn't be there for him. We actually felt their needs were more important, but we have sacrificed our lives for my parents since we were married and before (that's another story in itself!)
Now here's the problem - she is getting upset when I tell her I need to go downstairs to care for my ailing husband and to straighten up my home. She has my Dad who can care for her. I'm starting to resent them being here. I told her I would like to use my own bathroom and I want to put some things away and stay home a little bit. She made a face and asked me why and I said I'll be back later and she said you don't have to - stay down there (angrily). I'm starting to get my nervous stomach back and to be honest I yelled at her the other day. As many posters know, my mom has always been "needy". I will fill you in with details later on, but for now I need help! I am neglecting my husband, my dog and my own needs! Thank you my wonderful friends!
Yet you CHOSE to have this living arrangement set up.
You will now have to CHOOSE whether it can work, or whether your mother may require placement to fulfill her needs.
The best way to handle this is to handle "yourself" first. You need to understand that your mom hasn't been really any different, that you are not responsible for her "happiness." all day every day. There will be many times she will be UNhappy. That's life, as they say.
The limits are yours to set. They are mom's to live with. And the choices are yours. Life has been long for your mother; there have been many times in her life she was unhappy; this is but one more. And for you, I am certain there have been other times in your life when you were simply not able to fulfill the expectations others had of you. This is but one more time.
I feel adults reach an age, become elders, cycle backwards & hit that stage again.
They want you. Only you. Their real needs, their perceived needs, their anxiety, their wishes will EAT UP YOUR life.
Until you make changes.
I think many many older people go through this with or without dementia.
Years ago I was raised that what that meant was that I had to prop them up . I was raised to be my parents caregiver .
Now I believe that the elderly person has to accept that whether they live at home or in a facility that their life is changing due to age .
Don’t be afraid to say “ No” . We aren’t required to keep up their lifestyle the way they want it . I was told by my mom that I had to keep her “ routine “ the same. My FIL told us that we had to keep up his “ independent lifestyle “. Nope , nope , nope , we refused to take him on cruises that he wanted . That would not have been a vacation for us . He also demanded we take him to a fancy restaurant every weekend and requested my adult children come as well .
If You help them , they accept the help you are willing or able to do . If they don’t like it , that’s too bad , they either hire someone or they go live in assisted living . The parent receiving help does not call the shots because they are not independent , they are dependent .
Romeo is up against a hard place knowing that her parents likely will pass within three years. They are 93 and 96 after all. Her rock is her husband, who could feasibly pass within three years. Same for her if her breast cancer has metasized to her lung.
When one is up against a rock and a hard place, one needs to choose between two non ideal options. Well, Romeo, given the nonzero odds of you or him needing another round of chemo that could trigger y’all into getting aides for yourself, you and he need to enjoy each passing day together as it is among your last as it very well be.
I am thinking that Romeo and her husband focus on being rescuers to avoid looking at the blunt bottom line of their own physical conditions. And maybe it’s a cope in that they’re not dwelling on themselves.
Maybe AL when the lease is up on the condo , hopefully it’s not longer than a year lease .
In the meantime Romeo , try to set some boundaries as far as time away from your parents , and remember you don’t have to give them everything they WANT, just what they NEED.
I LIVED in Italy for three years (it was wonderful), and over and over again the Italians that I befriended talked frankly about how difficult it was/is to break away from family and cultural expectations. Children are EXPECTED to live in multigenerational homes with grandparents, parents, spouses, children, and often aunts/uncles and the younger family members are EXPECTED to care for the older ones in every way possible, until the elders die. And this expectation is not only for daughters, but for sons, too.
It's tougher on women who are typically paid less than their male peers. It's still a male dominated culture, for example, I was not allowed to sign the lease on our rental, only my husband was allowed to sign it. Women's efforts to rent places of their own are typically kissed off sweetly by real estate agents or landlords regardless of ability to pay the rent.. Inside the Italian home, Nonna is in charge and she rules the roost with a firm hand. Italy is all about the duty to maintain historic tradition regarding almost everything.
Ciao!
However this thread has notched up 132 actual answers in less than 2 weeks (and I don’t think that includes comments that don’t rate as answers). Enough said! This is just fun for someone who thinks it’s fun and has nothing better to do.
Also, your going to therapy is NONE of your parents' business. You would be wise not to tell them that you are going.
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