Hi everyone, I haven't posted in a while and hope everyone is doing ok. My parents finally moved near us, in fact, in our condo complex and are renting. I packed and unpacked every single box for them and was away from my husband during his chemo and radiation treatments for 2 months so they could move from Florida to Virginia. My husband was with me during my breast cancer journey and I feel awful that I couldn't be there for him. We actually felt their needs were more important, but we have sacrificed our lives for my parents since we were married and before (that's another story in itself!)
Now here's the problem - she is getting upset when I tell her I need to go downstairs to care for my ailing husband and to straighten up my home. She has my Dad who can care for her. I'm starting to resent them being here. I told her I would like to use my own bathroom and I want to put some things away and stay home a little bit. She made a face and asked me why and I said I'll be back later and she said you don't have to - stay down there (angrily). I'm starting to get my nervous stomach back and to be honest I yelled at her the other day. As many posters know, my mom has always been "needy". I will fill you in with details later on, but for now I need help! I am neglecting my husband, my dog and my own needs! Thank you my wonderful friends!
Your husband probably wants to take care of you , by getting the key made, that's my husband too, and it's sweet.
Sometimes you have to encourage and encourage, but in the end they have to make there own decision. And we have to let the cookies crumble,where that may
Something to think about romeo.
Look, it's out of my hands and I'm sure he'll manage, but what will happen when he gets home - he collapses from the whole ordeal?
I also don't think his boss realizes the extent of his medical problems. If he did, shame on him for insisting he should be going. What kind of person does that? It sounds like a high pressure situation and he certainly will not be on his game.
Ask him what he plans to do if he keels over away from home and ends up in the hospital. What are his expectations as to what should happen if he can't get back home? Does he have a plan? What are his expectations as to what you should do given your situation with your family? There is a high likelihood that it could play out this way and he should really think about this.
His chances of getting sicker by traveling may put him in the hospital due to his weakened immune system and constant pain.
What's the worst they do fire him? He would have a great lawsuit if they did that.
Now's the time for him to take some sick leave or disability leave. I am sure his oncologist/doctor could write a scrip telling his work he is not able to fly or travel due to the feeding tube, constant pain and weakened immunity.
And how mobile is Mom? Get in & out of the car OK with just your Dad. Is she trustworthy as a passenger? Wears her seatbelt? Any yelling "Slow down!" in panic?
Any concerns that would decrease their safety?
I remember driving like a snail with my 80-something Grandma while she clutched on for dear life. She was a good passenger until her eyesight worsened.
Do you think it a wise decision he buy a car & drive?
(pf course)
You can mail it to
Number 2 Yellow Brick Road
Somewhere Special
No zip.
Use a Forever stamp. I have stuff going out from my will with them!
My love to all for this entertaining post. May it go on forever!
And may the USPS forever honor "forever" stamps.
I read your response to LostinPlace’s time living in Italy that you “have to go to Ireland….” I just wanted to let you know that Ireland is quite beautiful as well! One of our favorite countries to visit. Get your Green on!!
PS: I had a double mastectomy with NO reconstruction - totally flat - I had Stage II aggressive ER PR positive breast cancer with Lymphovascular Invasion - 5 years out. Had the horrible "Red Devil" chemo, no radiation - chose to remove breasts. Now on an aromatase inhibitor and suffering horrible joint pains and hot flashes, brain fog, nervousness, insomnia, gained 20 pounds, lost 20 pounds - just a basket case. Going for my next scan to see if lung nodules are metastatic. More worried about my husband. Hopefully, you are doing ok.
We lived in Santa Margherita Ligure on the water closer to Paraggi. In an UNESCO area. So beautiful.
We moved there after I got a false positive diagnosis for breast cancer - it took a full year afterwards to verify that the diagnosis was false. Luckily, I didn't have chemo or surgery before it was clear that I was negative for breast cancer. My husband and I were so giddy with relief that we sold our home and took the proceeds to live in Europe for 5 years; 4 years in Italy and 1 year in France. These were the best years of my life. And we were young and healthy enough to enjoy the experiences fully.
I'd give almost anything to move back to Italy, but now we are too old to deal with Italy's lovely chaos, the day to day magical carnival of living in Italy...the feast for all the senses.
All the trompe le oeil--MAGNIFICENT.
Color me PEA GREEN WITH ENVY.
Also, my Dad wants to buy a used car to go the supermarket, instead of using our car. Good, because I told him, to be honest if you kill or injure someone using my car - they will sue us and wipe our retirement out. I told you what he did in Florida crossing 3 lanes with oncoming traffic and stopping in the middle. I have no control right now to stop him from driving and I'm not getting involved. I'm finished - even if he kills himself - they know everything! Hate to sound mean - but, I'm done!
Just don't take him to buy his own car. If he wants a car he will have to go on his own to make it happen.
Are you the one that will be paying for the insurance and car since you are supporting them financially? Please don't pay for this insanity.
If dad wants to go somewhere he can take an Uber or a taxi.
And why are you letting dad use your car anyway when you know what a poor driver he is?
Yes if he does kill or injure someone you can be sued for letting him use your car. My husbands brother died because someone let the POS borrow their car and the family sued their insurance, if the owner of the car had assets they would have sued them personally too for the death and debilitating injuries to BIL's wife who will be in a wheel chair for the rest of her life.
I wear a tee shirt that has some of my favorite sayings on it , that makes me feel like the one in charge, gives me strength, and makes it feel more like the employer and not the employee.
Find something that gives you strength and reminds you who you are , your the employer in this.
Try the super man pose before you walk in moms apartment, stand straight, put you hand son your waist and take a few deep breaths, then walk in.
Your not the first your not the last, and your not alone
Longer threads are often moved there to save room here for other peoples questions
Grey Rock method .
And
detachment from toxic people
Romeo , you can always reread the answers on this thread for reference and reinforcement .
PS: We had a flat tire before we went upstate one time and my mom said - Oh, you're not coming up this weekend? What the heck is wrong with this women?
Not driving in Snow Storms, accused of faking covid. Not being able to get a covid vaccine because of the guilt I would get if I was not feeling good enough after to do what ever silly stupid thing, she thought she needed me to do.
Being sick after pretty much saving her grandsons life , and the trauma I went through to do it. Then being annoyed with me for the stress of that situation because I wanted a break for a few days.
My list is endless, just like yours.
After you finally get it and all we are saying, you will go through an angry stage. Just plan P/$$ off at life, and angry at yourself for putting up with it.
Your story is not all that unusual
Once they figure out that one tactic is not working they change there behavior to another tactic.
You have to be smarter than the controller and watch out for the changes.
And most importantly, if mom gets all distant to you, remember, this is another tactic. Don't let her know in anyway that it saddened you that she is being rude to you. Don't let it sadden you, but if it does on the inside keep it on the inside.
Technical you are now your parents , parent.
So you need to start accepting it and more importantly act the part.
Mom is not at all going to like it, and she is going to give you a hard time.
Accept it, and eventually she will have to accept it
By the way, my family is from Calabria, Italy.
Anyway, a few years ago, someone started "what are you having for dinner every night?" - does anyone remember that? We should do that again, except I'm not cooking - we're having PF Changs Chinese Frozen food every night. This is a mortal sin in an Italian family, but no one is up to cooking right now. Are you guys still doing that?
Your not talking about your mom, your talking about you!
Welcome to my world, of a narcissist difficult family, and many many of us here in your shoes, or have been
As one person told me in Italy, "the reason why we lost the second world war is that nobody in Italy could understand what the other Italian person was saying."