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I cannot state too emphatically, for both you and your mother, please be sure to get a formal cognitive assessment BEFORE you address the other legal aspects concerning her care.
I think the concept of “legal” competence may vary from state to state, but I also think that if you initiate a change in her will without some proof that she is mentally competent to carry out the change, the legal POA could challenge it.
If there is evidence of altered thinking, you will have to have some determination based on objective criteria.
Hoping everything works out to your mom’s advantage.
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NeedHelpWithMom Apr 2019
Thanks,

We don’t have a POA. I only have medical power of attorney. My mom’s doctor told me that I should get POA too. I guess I should. Trying to tie up loose ends so mom can relax.

I am planning to look into getting assessment for her.
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Contact the lawyer and set up an appointment for mom. Make sure all POAs are in order, end of life DNR paperwork, go to the bank, close out savings account, open new account with her. You do not need brother's permission to close account, just a little fyi, if she passes and he is on the account, that account becomes his alone and is not part of her estate he is in no way obligated to pay for her funeral from those funds or to turn it over to the estate. As far as telling siblings about the will changes, do it after the fact so mom is not given a hard time before the appointment. This is her choice. Have lawyer send notice of changes or you can qualify it for her. I thank god that we had MIL do poas and will years ago. When she had heart attack last year I took medical poa from safe, made 3 copies and took to hospital with me (her daughter took her there), when I arrived 2 daughters were arguing about testing, surgery, etc., husband came from work to be there. I gave nurse a copy of poa, she stated "thank God ", also gave both SIL copies, they were pissed. Husband asked his mom what SHE wanted, no surgery.(not a candidate, wouldn't survive anesthesia) sometimes you need to do what needs to be done FOR her.
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NeedHelpWithMom Apr 2019
Takincare,

You answered my questions perfectly. Thanks so much for taking the time to reply and share your experiences. I appreciate it.
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One suggestion is to tell your brothers that she is going to update her will because it currently includes your deceased brother. If they want to come with you, you should let them - on the same basis as yourself, that you get to put issues to your mother's lawyer and then leave her alone with the lawyer to ensure that she is able to discuss her own issues without pressure. If they can't be bothered coming, even easier. The lawyer may have other suggestions about how to ensure the funds are there for the funeral etc.

My husband's mother had comparable issues, wanting to leave the bulk of her funds to the three sons and not to a very difficult daughter. Her lawyer suggested that she disbursed the money as gifts to the sons, and then left the remainder in equal shares, which she did with no issues. DH and I were quite clear that if she had ran out of funds for care, we would be returning money to her. My first MIL also had comparable issues regarding a second wife and her sons, and she saw her lawyer separately.

I think it would be a good idea to make a list for the lawyer of the issues you have talked through with mother, and also ask him or her for a confirmatory letter about the process - in particular that your mother was legally competent, that she was interviewed alone and was clear about her wishes, and that the lawyer saw no signs of undue pressure on her. Don't do it by email - they get deleted. Take a photo copy of everything. You don't want to lose the records in case of future issues. This really is something to do with a lawyer, because of the possible problems down the track. The living will may be something you can do on a local form, but not the estate will. I'm a lawyer, but not in your jurisdiction, and this is the advice I would give (and also the advice we followed ourselves with DH's mother and my own MIL).
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NeedHelpWithMom Apr 2019
Wonderful answer! Thanks.

My mom won’t do anything alone anymore. She can’t hear well. Even with hearing aid. She does read my lips some. I hate having to shout all day! It wears me out. I try to write things down sometimes. I even thought of maybe making signs so I won’t have to keep writing the same thing. She gets upset sometimes if I write because she thinks it is more personal to speak and I agree but I get so very tired repeating and screaming.

At first when she asked me to go into doctor’s office I felt like I would be intruding on her privacy and said no, that I wasn’t comfortable with it. That’s when she said, “I need you to be my ears and there is nothing that you can’t hear.” So I joined her in office instead of staying in waiting room.

She has trouble if people speak fast fast or turn away. She tries to read lips.

Maybe I could request something to be typed up for her to read in large print.

She has her sound mind. So now is the time to do it.

I appreciate your advice. Very helpful.
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Sorry your mom is dealing with PD....it’s a miserable illness. It would be prudent for you to keep it in the back of your head that she may need Medicaid in the future to cover NH. This means no gifting starting now. Keep receipts and records of her money and spending. It doesn’t matter if she leaves money to her sons in her will.. Medicaid requires her assets be used for her care. Sadly many parents are unable to leave inheritances because the cost of care is so much. An elder care attorney is well worth the money.
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NeedHelpWithMom Apr 2019
Thanks Linda.

It is a difficult disease. Mom is already 93. Five years is what I have heard for the look back. Has me concerned.
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My aunt changed the executor of her will from her eldest son to the daughter who lived closest and who had acted as her POA for years, almost everyone saw this a logical step except for the one who was removed, he was terribly hurt and the family was torn apart over it. I'm not saying she shouldn't do it, but I think my aunt should have had the courage to explain her reasoning to her son and not leave it as a big surprise for after she was gone.
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NeedHelpWithMom Apr 2019
cwille,

That concerns me too. He is her son. She loves him dearly even though she gets hurt from him not visiting her. I have asked both brothers who live here to please visit and call more frequently. I agree, cwille. Even if she chooses not to tell him during the process, she can tell him shortly afterwards with the explanation that she feels I am better suited. Sadly, he isn’t involved in her life. I wish my brothers were closer. But I can’t force them. They never were. She has complained to me about that for years. Long before she lived with me.

The brother in DC does call and visit some. He has money galore but does not offer financial help. So be it. His money. He’s an investment banker. I don’t ask personal questions about their money. A lot of his funds are invested in property.
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I recommend letting Mom work with the attorney and telling the brothers about the changes after all the documents have been signed, maybe letting the lawyer send copies of the documents. Make sure you have a medical appointment and competence evaluation immediately after the signing. A copy of a letter documenting competence might also be nice to include in the lawyer's document pack to your siblings.
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NeedHelpWithMom Apr 2019
Thanks. Did not think about a medical appointment shortly after that time. Why after, not before? Or what about a letter from her doctor stating her competence?
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Your Mom can withdraw all of the balance of the savings account and open a new account in her name only or with you as a co-signer. Brother wouldn't have a say in this.
I hate to be blunt, but will there be any real assts left when she passes? A small income and ongoing expenses along with funeral expenses and final medical bills will wipe it all out. Ditto for having her live in a nursing home of A.L.
If he wants to take care of you, have a formal arrangement for her to pay rent while she lives with you. The Attorney can draw this up.
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NeedHelpWithMom Apr 2019
geewiz,

Thanks for info. I am not expecting money left. My mom has a tender heart with her sons. She would like to leave them something.

That generation was a bit sexist and thought a man should be in charge! Plus she wants him to feel she recognizes him.

She did understand however, when the doctor said it was the primary caregiver that should be her medical power of attorney. Women do ‘service’ kind of thing. Very old fashioned. She’s 93!

He’s not involved in anything. Too busy living his life.

Mom doesn’t pay rent. She pays for her meds and personal items though.
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Unless Mom is a Vet don't depend on her being able to get Vet benefits. There is Aid & Attendance and takes a while. A lot of paperwork concerning Dads service is required. My Mom was turned down. Never questioned it because she ended up in a NH on Medicaid and they are not allowed to have both. Mom would not get more than 1200 a month. Maybe less.
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NeedHelpWithMom Apr 2019
Oh JoAnn,

So sorry your mom was turned down. All I can do is try.
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She can change the Executor. Him being on her savings acct is another thing. He may have to be there to say that its OK to take him off. But Mom should be able to touch her savings anytime she wants to. Him being Executor does not make him in control of her money. You need POA for her finances. It can be set up to be used immediately or when she can no longer an handle her affairs. POA stops at time of death then Executor takes over. Your Medical POA should be her Living will. My Mothers listed what she wanted and what she didn't want concerning her health.

When it comes to slitting moms assets, she doesn't need to leave you more to cover her funeral and bills. Its an Executors job to make sure that before inheritance are distributed that the funeral arrangements are paid and any outstanding bills. Then what is left is split between the beneficiaries. You need to see a lawyer to get this all set up legally.
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NeedHelpWithMom Apr 2019
JoAnn,

That’s all I want, burial cost. I hope my brothers don’t go wracking up bills for fancy toys thinking a few dollars will be thrown their way. Mom does want to leave them some. It’s her money. She can choose that. One brother already went bankrupt twice.

I personally think it should go towards her care. Brothers will feel like I am abandoning mom. I do need a break sometimes! Once, a few years back I wanted to see a particular plantation home, just a simple day trip and my brother texted the whole time as to when I was returning. When I returned his text to say when, he left before I even got home. Suppose my mother would have fallen. I was so upset with him.

Thanks JoAnn, your responses are always helpful.
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Siblings fighting over a parents inheritance can cause permanent damage. I would first find an attorney ASAP. Ask the attorney his or her advice on how to inform your siblings. The attorney might be able to send them a letter, but will probably advise that you do not need to tell them anything.

If you love and respect your family, I would tell them.
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NeedHelpWithMom Apr 2019
No fighting on my end. I only want my mom’s finances to go towards her care. Not even talking about a lot of money here. I want her last wishes granted, such as burial next to my dad.

Unfortunately. my brothers are not responsible individuals. Never have been. I’ve always been the kid closest to my parents. I wanted a close relationship with my brothers but it isn’t possible with selfish people. Sad.

Has nothing to do with love and respect. I want this to be as stress free as possible. I have been on overload for quite some time. Long before mom lived with me, I took care of mom and dad, while raising my own kids. Has been a long, exhausting, difficult road.

I certainly don’t want to add to my mom’s stress. She has enough on her plate as well. Parkinson’s is a tough disease. I have one brother, that happens to be the executor who lives minutes away and never, ever visits but let him spend too much money on music equipment and other unnecessary stuff and he eats at my house because he’s broke! My mom said she knew he wasn’t capable of doing things but wanted to make him feel important and not left out. Not smart but it is her way of feeling like she is showing love.

I know about love and respect but sadly my brothers don’t.

Unfortunately, I don’t see any close relationship with my brothers after my mother’s death. For years I hosted big holiday dinners for everyone but stopped and now only do my immediate family and mom. I have enough to do! They have always done their own thing unless it was a holiday meal or needed something.
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